Greatest Stories Ever Told

When you sleep, as long as I'm doing something I'm okay. But once night falls, and there are no more calls I can make, no doing laundry or dishes, because I have to save hot water, or it's way to hot and humid already, and I'm stuck with just my thoughts, I go to a bad place without you.

I'm so worried, especially when it gets to be so long that you've slept and I know it's not peaceful. I start thinking about all the awful things that I've said and done to you. I think about how much I love you and how it would destroy me if you were gone. I think about how much I depend on you for everything. I don't even feel like a whole person when you are not by my side, even when you are sleeping.

I don't know what to do without you. I love you so much. I think of all the wasted time I've spent fucking around and fucking up our life and I'm devastated. I feel so weak and pathetic. I cry all the time, and think back to when you first told me about your health problems and how confident I was I could fix it all. I knew. But now I realize I didn't know and don't know shit.

I know I have to get you better and I'm doing everything I can, and hate myself for all the wasted time that I've spent not doing everything. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my shit, I'm sick of seeing you hurting in everyway possible.

I just want our life together that we were supposed to have. I threw us off course. Even if you still had gotten sick, you never had to be sick this long. We could be living our life right now and I try not to think about it, but I do. If I'm honest sometimes I want to just forget everything I've done and everything you've been through and we've been through because I want I want to just think about how to get us to where we should of been all along, but it's selfish and cruel because your pain doesn't just go away and I know that I do.

I think about all the times I told you I cheated on you when I didn't and I can't even put into words how I feel for it. I'm completely undone by the fact that all of the distrust, all of the pain, all of the disappointment and disbelief, I see in your eyes is because of my own actions. I want you to think good of me. I want you so badly, and you can't because of what I've done. I couldn't. I know I couldn't. But you would never put me through what I've done to you. I could never cheat on you. Never. Not just because what it would do to you, but what it would do to me.

I was a foolish child. I never should have fucked up with Joe. But it was once, and that was it. I was stupid and justified it that we weren't "together" but we were. I knew the moment I met you that we're special and I felt a pull to you that I never felt before.

I never loved before. I care about my parents, I care about my nephews. I care about some of my family, but I never loved them. If you hadn't been so loving, merciful and forgiving, If I hadn't done the things, and said the things that I did, you wouldn't be hurting and our marriage wouldn't be suffering no matter what we went through. I hate that I put this wall between us. I hate it. I want it gone. I want you to know everything about me. I can't breathe. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I used to sleep to try to rid myself of the pain in my heart that is because I hurt you so badly.

I wanted to feel bad about myself for so long because I felt like it gave my life meaning. Like the nothingness I felt inside would go away if I had some tragic backstory or history, but it was all fake. Everything about me is fake. Hell, even my name was fake. When we met it made me feel special and important to pretend like I needed a code name when I was out and about, but really I wanted to feel special. I liked hiding behind a cloak that meant I could feel sorry for my life, my soul, without letting anyone in.

But then I met you and it was like my whole life had been so empty because it was you. You became my god and my life and my existence, but it scared me. What if you were taken away? What if you didn't feel how I felt, so I ran. I never had a connection to another soul before I met you. Never felt love, never felt loved. I wanted you so badly, in everyway, especially physically. It was like everything people wrote about, or spoke about suddenly was understood for me. If I hadn't acted so foolishly, it would have been the ultimate of love stories. The books and the movies that I depend on so desperately to give me the words and actions to express myself instead of finding my own.

I loved my dog once. As much as you can love an animal, but it's not the same. I know you understand that. Sadie, but even buster didn't. Sadie helped me through hard times and a lonely childhood, and when she had to be put down I thought that that was it, there goes my only real friend. But she couldn't talk back. I love all our cats, but nothing like her, and that's just a dog. If If I lost you, I'd bee completely destroyed.

I used to dream of meaning so much to someone that they would do anything for me. And honestly there have been times when I would get angry at you, why can you do this for me but you can't for yourself? And now I look at how childish and mean I was being. Clinging to depression that was the only think that gave my life meaning before and how I kept to it, thinking it meant anything, not seeing how worthless it is. But I still get so overwhelmed at times. I love you so much and can't even fathom life without you. I can't even make it through this time when you are sleeping, and I can't talk to you or at least know that you're okay, ask what you're thinking if I don't know, or can't figure it out. I want to know everything about you, and are generous with telling me.

I never thought I'd meet anyone, much less you. You're truly perfect in everyway, perfect for me. And I know I lashed out at you thousands of times for being just that, and you were always there. Always there for me. I want that, I want us. I want us. I love you so much, and can't deal with this anymore. You can't be sick anymore. I can't let you. I have to get you better. We can't keep living like this and dealing with this stress, not just with your health, but with each other. I can't, we're tearing apart and I don't know how to put the pieces back together, especially the ones I broke.

I think about when we first met, and how it was like you were reading my mind, and I felt so much peace from that. Like the time you guessed the six digit number I was thinking. And how we would laugh and joke, and smile, even though you were feeling like shit. And how we would sit on the couch with our feet toward each other and watch stupid movies like paranormal activity, and you would grab my leg and I would jump and we'd both laugh. How we would spend and hour in the store with our version of no you hang up first, saying no you pick the movie, no you pick the movie. My movies were always crap by the way, you always had the instinct for what would be good.

I started resenting your perfection because I felt I could never live up to it and all the while you would do nothing but tell me I could. Not in that way. I don't know how to express this right, and I'm sorry because that made me sound like I was saying you were an asshole or something and it's completely the opposite. The point I'm trying to make, I'm not going back and deleting anything I type, unless it's a spelling error, because I want to get out what is in my heart even it sounds completely stupid and unrefined. This I mean. I am mostly stupid and unrefined. I'm not ladylike, and every time you tell me that when you're better and we're off living our life together, that of coarse, you will define what it is to be a man, but you say, I'll redefine what it is to be a lady. It makes me laugh always, because I can't imagine that. I can't imagine thinking of myself as a lady.

I am so arrogant and look back and realize that every bit of arrogance that I outgrew I just replaced with another form. I think how I used to think I'd be the perfect girlfriend if I ever found someone, and how I used to get frustrated, not understanding it was more so for you, when I would suck your cock while you were playing Tetris, and how I kept saying it over and over throwing it in your face like a total bitch because I wanted you to agree with me. But also part of me was glad you didn't because I didn't want someone I could manipulate. I love that I can't manipulate you. Although at times I don't even realize that's what I'm doing, which drives me crazy because I want to know exactly what I'm doing and saying at all times, and how to say things right and live righteously, because I want to be like you.

I don't want to be a bad person. I want to be someone that you are proud to be married to, proud to be with, and love being with. I love you so much, and the only thing I'm proud of is being married to you, being your wife, your Anna, but I want to be more, your Andy. I want to be the woman that you fell in love with, all that potential to be talented and smart, and wise, and kind and caring. I want all those things for myself, and for you, and for us.

I'm so all over the place anymore, and I'm sick of my mood swings. I don't want to be like this. I want to be cool and collected and talk with you like a person, an adult, and my thoughts get all jumbled up, and all I do is feel I can't.
You asked me to stop typing, so I'll continue later.
Your wife, Andy.