While I was a child, I was constantly searching for answers. I went to church, I believed, sort of. But I was lost. I heard John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but shall live eternally.) and I heard Psalm 3:5 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.) but didn't understand them. I got lost in the constant struggle of, "How can I trust in God, when the more I ask this, the more I'm not trusting in Him, and the vicious cycle keeps going." I didn't truly understand faith. I always felt that God was real, but I wasn't certain. I spoke like a good Christian girl should, but I didn't listen to the discernment of the Spirit, and if I'm honest I still have difficulty. I justified my faith instead of being convicted and standing for it. My favorite bible verse has always been 1 Peter 3:15. It perfectly explains the answers I was searching for, and I feel as though it is one of the most disregarded verses of the bible. Christians are constantly telling non-believers, and even fellow Christians that they are condemned for not having enough faith. But 1 Peter 3:15 tells us "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."
No one ever has an answer for the people who come to question God. People give judgment instead of answers for their hope, because it isn't based upon faith, it is based upon the word of man instead of the Word of God. Love is without reason, but you can not have love without reason.
I had no hope. I would quote 1 Peter 3:15 to people constantly, begging them give me a reason to hope. The way I saw the world was bleak. I was alone. I had no one. I was barely scraping by. I ate perhaps once a day at most, because I couldn't afford to eat more. I had no one to help me financially or otherwise, and often I would give my last dollar to feed my Big Brothers/ Big Sisters Little Sister who came from a family of 7 children, so they had even less than I did. I was losing my faith a little more each day, though I felt there was a higher power, I had stopped listening for God, and stopped hoping that He would forgive me.
Then I met Joshua.
The first conversation we had on the phone, when we first met, Joshua had called me. I answered the phone and he had asked me whether or not he should call me Anna or Bella (because I went by Bella at the karaoke bar where we met. For more details please read here.) I had told him to call me Anna. I asked him if he preferred Josh or Joshua. He said to me that usually it doesn't matter, but from the woman he loves, from the woman he is going to marry and spend the rest of his life with, the woman he wants to make love with and have a family with, he wants her to call him Joshua. I have called him Joshua every day since. My heart swelled, and I teared up a little for the first time I could remember, from joy. I said, Then I guess I'll call you Joshua.
I was living with two roommates who were dealing drugs out of the home I was living in, but to me it was preferable to the verbal and physical abuse of moving back with my family that I had been raised in. I was drowning. I was spending more money than I was making, on my bills, on my Little Sister, on my friends. I was always the one that people turned to for everything and would give up my last dollar, and even took out loans at times to help out someone else. But I was so empty inside that I felt if I did enough good, perhaps that would fill the hole that was in my soul. Any money I would spend on food, my room mates or their druggie friends would eat.
From the moment we met Joshua took care of me, all my needs; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. He provided me with food. He made sure I drank water and stayed hydrated. He taught me how to take care of myself. I had worn myself thin, and he showed me that I could do more if I took the time to take care of me also. I was living off of Red Bull and coffee, up to 30 pots a day, yes pots not cups. I would have up to 8 cups of coffee in my office at a time and I would empty them about twice an hour. Occasionally I would eat at work if there was a nice cook that night, and we'd write it off as food cost, but mostly I ate nothing. Joshua brought groceries to my house, but of course they would be gone by the time we went to eat them. So he took me out to restaurants. He brought me meals to my work. Joshua made sure that I had food and ate it too. He put clothes on my back. I had two outfits and a weeks worth of underclothes before I met him and that was about it. The rest were a mismatch of things that I had inherited from family as far back as the age of 10. He taught me that things like food, drink, clothes are a need. I had spent my life thinking that if I was still physically alive, then I didn't need it, but I was dying inside the whole time, spiritually, and physically my health was nothing before I met Joshua. He helped provide for me so that I could take care of the people that were important to me. I would spend so much of my money on other people, that my bills would falter. Joshua would give me money to pay my bills, even paying my rent for me, and he would help me buy food and clothes for my Little Sister because it was important to me, so it was important to him. He helped me take care of my friends. I took pride in being the person that everyone came to fix their problems, and I took pride in the fact that Joshua and I had that in common. He didn't want me to bear that financial and emotional burden alone any more. But he knew how much I valued that, and helped me because of his love for me.
The situation at the house I lived at was getting worse. 24/7 there were parties going on. There was a house right next door, and we jokingly called the two houses "the quad" because it was like a college campus where drinking and partying was the only choice. But you couldn't sleep from the noise. I had always blared my television, just to drown out the noise from the people screaming and laughing from downstairs. Joshua would come to my home and stay the night with me, getting no sleep himself, but whenever he was there I could sleep peacefully because he made me feel so safe. Joshua wanted to get me out of that house. But he knew and was wise enough to wait until I was ready. I wanted out. I didn't like the party life. I had lived there and partied with them because I thought that that was what was missing in my life. I felt as though the part of me that is abnormal and disconnected from this life was because I wasn't genuinely interested in the things that someone my age is. So I drank. I tried drugs. I was promiscuous. But every day the gap in my soul grew larger and larger. My every day was filled with lies; and the darkness grew around me and I welcomed it. I welcomed the coldness in my heart and soul. Joshua kept me from drowning. Each time I would see him, see his smile or hear his voice, it was as though the darkness was kept at bay.
The first time Joshua told me he loved me, we were lying in my bed facing each other. He held me close and said to me, "I know you will never love me as much as I love you, but I will love you enough for the both of us. And maybe one day, if you can chisel some of the ice off of your heart, you will learn to love me." I cried. I cried from joy and from sorrow that I couldn't reach in, like my novels, and have him feel what I was feeling. That I was already in love with him, but too scared to tell him, because I was afraid that one day he wouldn't be there.
I asked him once, why are you doing this? Why are you taking care of me? He told me because I love you, and I want you to be healthy and happy and joyful. This is for our life, the life I want us to build together. I need a partner by my side, you can't be my partner if you are hungry, if you are thirsty, if your heart or soul hurts. Then he told me that two weeks before we met he had prayed. Joshua had been abandoned by everyone in his life for three and a half years. At the time of his prayer for a wife, he had only been out and amongst people, rehabilitating his body for a couple months. Most people get cabin fever if they have a cold for a few days, but he spent three and a half years, completely alone, with no one and nothing but sickness and God. He prayed to God and said he was ready. He was ready to be with the woman he would marry, he was ready for the love of his life. The woman that he would have children with and build a life with. He asked that she be a musician, so that he could play music with her. It had been revealed to him years before that he would marry an Asian woman. He asked God, please Lord, if it be your will. Let her approach me. I've been alone so long, I don't know if I can approach her. And two weeks after he said this prayer he met me. At the same time Joshua prayed for me, I had prayed as well. I had hidden so far behind the facade I had built around me of who I was that I felt trapped and hopeless. I prayed, as I never did at the time, just two words. Save me. The night I met Joshua, I had planned on killing myself. After going through my routine of going out with the people I had surrounded myself with, I had planned to go home, take a bottle of aspirin and cut my wrists. But that night I met Joshua. And for the first time, I saw a life for myself. One outside of the evil ways that I had lived. One outside of the wickedness I have spent my life in trying anything just to find what Joshua has always given me. Love.
When he was led to offer to me to live with him, I jumped at it. I wanted out of the life I was living. I wanted him and the fairy tale life he was offering me (family, love, comfort, safety, peace, joy.) And though I was afraid to take the gift he was giving me, I leaped. My roommates were not going to let me come back to get my possessions. So Joshua came with me. They had even called the police. Joshua actually made friends with two of them because they saw what was going on in the house, and he helped me to pack up my things and move them, the police even helped us. My roommates were quickly trying to move the drugs out of the house and hide them, but we all saw. As there are a multitude of different pictures of Joshua throughout his time going up and down in size, building his bod from nothing, showing me that everything was possible. My Joshua, at 6'3.5", 270+lbs, with not an ounce of fat on him. While being threatened by these few so called men, who could have easily used violence to settle this situation, used his words. Teaching me right then and there, no matter what, to not have fear, for it is not an option for him and to live my life in conviction and righteousness. Understanding what it meant to be a real man, as I thought I had known that from the people I had been around. And as my Joshua would always tell me, as I looked at myself the same way they did, wanting to put on the illusion that I was a woman, not a girl. That I was tough, and got in fights and that that was cool. My Joshua would always tell me that it's the conviction through the Spirit, and as I would degrade myself, Joshua would always call me a lady, and when I said, I'm not a lady, he said, oh you are definitely a lady. He said that's what I prayed for and that's what I received. And no matter how I tried to sabotage myself and our relationship, Joshua wouldn't let me. Enduring the threats during the time of moving, from multiple people, we just went about our business and packed up my belongings. And as we left, I was elated, full of joy, and finally at peace. I was finally safe. I felt as though I were a thousand pounds lighter and that anything was possible. He was relieved to have me out of that lifestyle, and I was relieved to have that safe haven, where I could wake up to him every morning.
Often he would wake me up at 5:30am, say that he was going to the gym and he would like me to come. I'd groan and say no, and he'd say, okay, well I'm going to jump in the shower and get ready, I think that you should join me. By the time he was halfway through his shower I would be in there with him, and he would spit water in my face to wake me up and make me laugh. He fights so hard for his life, but he fights so hard for me. Everything I never let myself dream about, because I never thought it would be possible for me, he made come true. When he told me everything would be alright, he didn't just say it, he would make sure it was. When I fought with my family, he would hold me and comfort me and then talk to them and tell them that the way they were treating me wasn't right. When I would hurt myself, he would ask me why? Why would you want to do yourself harm? He would tell me I'm beautiful. He would tell me that no matter what you do, I know what you are doing. And in typical Joshua fashion, what some people may call arrogance, it is not it is conviction. He would say playfully, you can't outsmart me, you will never be wiser than me, you can't play your games with me or manipulate me because I will not fall for them, and then he would follow that with because I see your heart. But what you can do is just love me. And the point being, and it took me years to understand and appreciate, is that he wanted me to believe in myself. To accept who I was and who I am. He wasn't trying to degrade me. He wanted me to fight for myself. Also, it took me a little while to understand, but he said, "You don't need to impress me." As he would always say I'm not going to fall for these tricks because I already fell for you. Telling me everyday that no one is infallible. And that your flaws are just as important as your perfections.That I fell for them all. I love all of them or you wouldn't be you. He would tell me that he knows me better than I know myself, and back it up.
There was one time when we were just talking and joking around. We had seen a commercial on tv that involved mind reading, and I joked to him I'm thinking of a 6 digit number, can you read my mind? He had said write it down. I couldn't find a piece of paper quick enough, so I grabbed a pen and wrote it on my hand. And he said back 624,398. I just gaped at him, because it was. He looked at me and said, What? I said how did you do that? He said Seriously? I said yes!! and showed him my hand. At first he played it off and said of course I knew, because we're connected. But a few seconds later he was in shock because we truly were feeling the same thing, thinking the same thing, and truly connected. Then we both started cracking up in joy.
He taught me how to work out, to lift weights. I was afraid of the myth that I would bulk up and end up looking like some kind of man/girl. Joshua taught me how to lift correctly so that I would just lean down and build muscle, become stronger and healthier. We would go buy groceries together, and make dinner together. I would eat 6-7 times a day, more than I had in my life, and he would eat 10 times a day. But I lost weight! I lost fat! I lost about 50lbs of fat and put on 25 lbs of muscle. My body was tight. I felt good. My clothes fit, he had to go buy me new clothes, again, and he taught me to take care of myself, bathing several times a day (when I had become too depressed to care before) and eating right. He cut my hair for me. And while I had been mostly a tomboy, my hair was the one thing I was always finicky about. I had had two people ever cut my hair before, and hadn't trusted anyone else to, but I knew he would cut it exactly how I wanted it. At that point he had been cutting hair for 20 years. Guys, girls, from his sports teams. But also, we were so connected, I didn't even have to tell him how I wanted it, I knew he already knew. While I knew the basics of cooking, I didn't excel in much. But he loved my spaghetti. I would make a vat of it, and when I say vat, I mean a vat. He could eat 5lbs of spaghetti and 5lbs of meatballs in one sitting and still be hungry. Watching him eat was like watching a tv show, because I had no idea where he put it all. I used to tug on his leg and make an old joke I had heard my grandparents say while I was growing up. I'd say to him, where's your hollow leg? I know it's here somewhere. And he would say I have three of them. There's enough room for all this food plus some. He would never make sexual innuendos before he met me, because our love made him feel free to be himself too. But it was always meant to be with that one person, and it was me. It is us.
We would sit and watch Gilmore Girls. It was my favorite show at the time. Though it was already off the air, I had four of the seasons on DVD. At first he didn't want to watch it because he thought it was a girly show, and I didn't want him to watch it because I had stolen so many lines from it and claimed them as my own wit, but I got him hooked on it. The first time one of my stolen lines came up, I was so embarrassed, but he told me, "That's okay. Everybody has done it." Then he went out and bought me the three seasons that I didn't have. We would watch the show over and over. I had almost all of the lines memorized by then, but watching it with him was like watching it fresh. For anyone not familiar with the show, they make pop culture references every other line, some of them very obscure, but Joshua knew them all. He would teach me what each of them meant, what it was referring to, and why. He introduced me to music that I hadn't heard before, even from the greats that I had heard of like Elton John, Michael Jackson, John Lee Hooker, Aerosmith, Tom Jones and John Cafferty. He would play me rap from when he was in high school like O.P.P. by Naughty by Nature and Tricky by Run DMC. Some songs that I had heard before, but many I hadn't. He would joke that my parents should be ashamed of themselves for not culturing me properly, and that was what we would refer to it as. His culturing me.
We would spend hours talking about God, and about faith. He would interrupt our conversations often because he heard God speaking. I envied him. I envied Him. Joshua would say often that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit will always be first in his life, but I am first after them. Childishly and foolishly I not only envied him of this relationship with God, but resented him for not wanting me to be first. I told him so, I would throw in his face that I wanted to be first in his life. And he would patiently say to me You are not arrogant Anna. Think about what you are saying. Do you believe you are greater than God? It is my love of God, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit that allows me to love you unconditionally the way I do. I said that I understood, but I didn't. I have hurt him because of my lack of understanding in his closeness with God, and the longer he is sick and the worse he gets, the more ashamed I am for having ever had these wicked thoughts and feelings. Joshua's relationship with God is more beautiful than the most beautiful poem, the most touching song, and the most inspirational painting. It was a true relationship and I am blessed to have been a witness to it. Joshua would always tell me, don't listen to a man because he stands behind a pulpit. Listen to the Spirit, because no man is greater than another. Though being a Christian, Joshua would always state about the judgment that Christians would place on others. And he summed it up very simply. God created us all. He knew us before we were born, down to every hair on our head. So who you are is who you were meant to be. There's no judgment to be placed. People choose to listen to the Spirit or not to. But none the less, we are all children of God, and all brothers and sisters. And still to this day I have never seen him place judgment on another person. He surely speaks his mind, but more importantly he speaks his heart. While in remission, being so articulate, and I would compliment him on this, he would say it's not me. The Spirit is speaking through me. I'm serving a purpose greater than I. Though through the years of illness, I have seen changes in the way he speaks and thinks, of course with his physical being, but no matter how bad it gets, his love always shines brighter.
He convinced me to go to the chiropractor. I had had back and shoulder pain since I was a young child, and it helped take it away. One day we were at the chiropractor's office, talking to the receptionist about a movie we had just seen, but neither of us could remember the actor's name. Joshua was irritated, but in a light funny way, that he couldn't remember, especially since he remembers everything. He said it'll come to me. We went home, got some food, and layed down as neither of us wanted to get thrown back out of alignment. We fell asleep holding each other. 18 hours after we had left the chiropractor we were sleeping peacefully when I woke up to Joshua sitting straight up in bed and saying triumphantly, "Jason Sudeikis" and laying back down to go back to sleep. I laughed so hard I cried. That's all he said, and I knew exactly what he was talking about. It made me laugh, because he remembered, it made me laugh because it was out of nowhere and a dead sleep that he remembered, but mostly I laughed from pure joy that we were so connected that that was all that needed to be said, and we understood each other. He's my best friend and the only true friend that I've ever had. Others have come and gone, but looking back it was just a mutual using of each other for whatever reason. I had never had a true friend in my life until him, and not only was he my best friend, but he is the best of friends. When we officially got engaged, as he had asked me quite early on. He had said to me I need to ask you something. We shall be married. And gave me the ring off of his pinky finger and it was too big for my ring finger, so I wore it on my middle finger. Stretching his hands from thumb to pinky his hands are 11" wide and he wears a size 13 ring. Later, we chose the rings that are now our wedding rings. He had walked up to their elegant garden in the middle of the store and picked one of the flowers, I had said, What are you doing, and he said, That's what they're there for. He got down on one knee, gave me the flower and asked me to marry him. Then he placed the ring we had just picked out on my finger. We would talk about how we wanted our wedding to be. We would talk about how we didn't want a cheesy slow song for our first dance, we wanted something fun, it's a wedding not a funeral. One night we went to a casino. We were playing video poker when You're my Best Friend by Queen came on the speakers and the music video was playing on all of the tvs in the place. We knew that that was our song.He's stayed by my side patiently, though I've lied repeatedly about my past because I'm ashamed. I wore my shame and still do, wrap it around myself. To be honest, I hope that writing this and putting it out for the world to see will force me to take off my shawl of self misery and finally grow strong from it. But I constantly try to make myself look better than I am, instead of just being myself, which Joshua has not only encouraged me to be, but at times begged me to be, not just for him but for myself and for God. He's always said, as long as your honest, I can accept anything, and proven it. I've spent years blaming him for the horrific deeds I have done against him, I have bared false witness against him to his face, I have cheated, lied, stolen. I've left him alone to die and justified it all with my damaged heart and spirit. Unable to admit that I've made the mistakes that landed us here. That made it so he's now so sick, that he may not live. My fear of losing him in life created my own hell where now, I could lose him to death.
I've seen people turn their backs on my husband every day. Making horrible comments, calling him every horrible name that exists, abandoning him in his times of need. Telling him he'd be better off dead. And that's just his family. Worst of all me. I've told him that I didn't love him. I've told him that I wanted to be with other people. I've told him every horrible thing a woman can say to a man because I didn't want to look at myself and see the disgusting things that I've done. I lived a bad life before Joshua came into it. I constantly felt abandoned, and was left to my own devices most of life. I had to work from the age of 12 to financially support myself, and was babysitting before that. If I wanted clothes I bought them, summer camps? I worked hard and applied for scholarships. Money for a movie? I saved and saved and worked as many odd jobs as I could until I could pay to see it. I had grown cold and bitter at a young age, conning and lying my way into making people believe I was something I wasn't. It became second nature to me to lie, and just avoid feeling or thinking anything. I learned to hurt first to avoid being hurt And when I met Joshua, he showed me that the righteous way to live was to love. And I realized that it was the same result. You can't get hurt if you love first. But instead of subscribing to that right away, I began to resent him for having lived so righteously not wanting to admit that I could have chosen that path but didn't; and I wanted someone to blame for the guilt of the horrible things that I had done in my life, and I knew Joshua would never stop loving me no matter how awful I treated him, and took out my anger and hatred of myself on him. And every lie I told him, he said, I know your lying, just tell me the truth and it's okay. We all have flaws, and we all have a past. When we realize that we will never reach perfection, then we can finally realize that we're perfect. I'm disgusted with the things I've said and done to him because he's never been anything but loving and kind towards me, and it angers and hurts me the way I've treated and hurt him; betrayed him and me, and the purity of our love with my lies and deceit in a desperate and foolish attempt to hide from myself.
As much as I've searched for hope my entire life, when I met Joshua, I saw a glimpse of it, in him. But I blinded myself to what he was offering me for a long time. I was scared to accept it because I was afraid of knowing hope, and having it taken away. So I pushed. I've done every horrible, evil, and wicked act that you can commit against a person, I have said every disgusting word I have acted like a child throwing tantrums, and I have left him alone to die. And all to the man that I love more dearly with all of my heart.
When we first met, we would have long talks about our life. The abuse, the neglect, by our families and our friends. And he always had such peace about it. Never complaining, just telling me because since we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, he needed me to know and I needed to know as well. The times he had been abandoned at the hospital. How he was left to walk home from the hospital on several occasions. How after his 40 day coma, his family said told him get over it, it's not a big deal. How they've laughed at his pain. I've see the people in his life, especially his family, laugh at people's sufferings. It gives me a chill up my neck of disgust, fear, and anger; and gratitude that a man this pure hearted, this good, this beautiful could come from a family and from friends who are this sick and twisted. A man who has never lived his life in greed, but comes from a family to whom that is all that matters, money, title and power. He chose to be who he is, who God created him to be. I regret having not made that same choice early in my life. I've seen first hand the sick things that the previous women in his life were capable of. Women he's never had sex with claiming to be pregnant with his child. A woman who tried to have him arrested for beating her; but the cops were smart enough while she stood there without a mark and Joshua was standing there bleeding after she had bit his thumb down to the bone, because he would rather be hurt himself than ever lay a hand on a woman. A woman who claimed to be pregnant with his child, while she was in actuality pregnant with her first cousin's child. This same woman sending me a letter, after having not seen or heard Joshua for over ten years, warning me to stay away from him. "He's mine and you don't know what you're messing with." written in crayon.
He never understood, because he lived his life in humility why. And I would tell him, it's because you're the one that got away.
When we met, I swore I would come in and be HIS knight in shining armour. I have shattered my own delusion of grandeur every day by hurting him more and more, and every day a piece of my soul has died. Every time I hurt this wonderful man, the guilt builds and builds. Knowing that not only have I cheated on him, but I have even told him that I never loved him, though no words ever spoken have ever been less true. I've condemned him for everything under the sun, just to avoid the truth that I have put him through unthinkable horrors, greater than anything anyone else has ever put him through, because I couldn't deal with what I've done, constantly adding more to it, building and building, topping on topping, never just admitting that I fucked up. I made so many mistakes that have devastated him, but still he stayed by my side. I love him with my whole heart and soul, but it's my mind that gets in the way. My mind that tells me that no matter how patient and loving, no matter how many times he has proven that he will love me no matter what, to run, fight, flee, and hurt him so I won't get hurt. But all that ever happens is I reach a new, how the fuck could I do that to my Joshua, moment. When I cheated on him I thought, he doesn't really love me. If I do this it will force him to face it and stop telling me all this bullshit because how could he love someone as fucked up as me. But he did. And he stayed. I'm still working through this myself, as I tell this story, some of these things are as recent as this morning. I fight his love in stead of accepting it, because that would mean that I was wrong. And I am. I'm wrong for the things that I've done to him, when he's been nothing but patient and loving towards me. I'm wrong for having cheated on him, to fill some need to be used and abused, two things he has never put me through. I said previously that I had never had a boyfriend before and that's true. No one had ever even asked. I thought that the only way someone would want me is for sex. I didn't want to be wrong, I didn't want to believe him because then I couldn't feel sorry for myself. I couldn't look at the disgusting way I had lived my life, lusting after people to fill some need to be needed no matter what it was for. I didn't look at the pure gift that Joshua was laying down at my feet. Forgiveness, not just from him for the things that I had done to him, but for myself. I wanted to be happy and joyful, but at the same time I've wanted to stay miserable in a life of drama and lies because it was familiar and I knew how to handle it. I don't know how to handle being a good person that someone, especially someone as pure hearted and loving as Joshua, could ever love. Being loved didn't fit the cloak of self hatred that I had worn my entire life. It doesn't allow me to feel sorry for myself and drown myself in the guilt of the things that I have done. And I get angry at that, because sometimes, sometimes I just want to go off, be alone and let my misery overtake me. But then, I think of Joshua. I think of the dreams that I have for us. For him to be healthy and for us to spend hours in the studio together without having to worry about his health. For us to eat whatever we want to, to see him win a Grammy in person (I've seen the ones in our house), to see his movie released.
I love him for loving me. I love him for an infinite number of small things he does and says throughout every day. As he grew sicker, I grew more and more selfish, angry and bitter at him for not being able to take care of everything little thing for me; all the ways I had chosen to be dependent on him instead of his partner, depended on him to think, feel and speak for me, because I felt I couldn't have voice, not that could live up to the love he has for me. I didn't take his health seriously, and I didn't take our relationship seriously. I flirted with other men. I convinced him he was crazy, and though his instincts have never been wrong, he never confronted me about it, he waited patiently, soothing me, and though he knew what I had done, because he knows human nature and me better than I know myself, he was always and constantly supportive and encouraging. He would tell me that I could do anything. My Joshua has never felt sorry for himself. He has never felt pity. He has went through a multitude of ups and downs, through illness, losing his hair multiple times, building his body back up. Always becoming weaker and sicker than the time before, yet he never fails. The truth of the matter is is that Joshua would occasionally mention in a very loving way that he had known the things that I had done. He said, I don't care. I just need the truth from you. And as I had given him a half truth several years ago, which I'm sure had devastated him, I had convinced myself and even spoken that you don't want to be with me anymore do you. Joshua said, no I just need a few minutes. Twenty minutes later he asked me to come into the bedroom where he was lying and thinking. He lifted me up and laid me on the bed, told me he loved me and that it doesn't matter, you're with me now. As I cried, he held me while stroking my hair, lying face to face and still knowing that there was more to the story, we had fallen asleep together, showing me that I was always accepted by him. My husband is most known as a very beautiful man. Even in his sickness, very well built. Very convicted. Very secure and confident, but no arrogance lies in his heart, it never has. Though I truly don't understand, still, the confusion that lies in his heart about many things, as he will spend hours talking with me, and all he ever wants is for me to talk to him. We have had wonderful moments, but as his health declined I didn't know what to do. No one would help. And he is still baring with this. To let you understand the strength in my husband, through many reasons one day I had left. At one of his sickest times. It had started to rain and sleet. As I had convinced myself that Joshua would be healed if I took my life, that God would heal him, forgetting that God brought us together. I had found out later, though Joshua could barely walk, that he had forced himself up to go look for me, spending several hours. As he could barely walk and could not find me, he had come back home and gotten on my mountain bike and then continued to look for me. Spending seven to eight hours. As he was riding back home, he was hit by a truck, breaking several of his ribs. It was a hit and run. This was never told to me by Joshua. A lady who had always been a friend who has always been very kind to us had seen this from a far and had told me a couple days later. Finding strength where there was none to be found as he picked up the bike, dragging his body, walking another mile home. I had came home about 15 hours later. And Joshua was laying in the bed shaking. The first thing I hear is Anna? Is that you? No anger. Just joy. I had been taking medication for seizures. As I had been diagnosed as an epileptic at 3. Part of my reaction in leaving was that I was having an allergic reaction to the medication. I had tried to convince myself that if I just took this medication it would make everything better. But as Joshua always says, medication is not meant to fix the problem, it is meant to assist you and help with the process. I had woken up on a hill after taking several pills. Screaming out what did I do? Honestly, part of it is my confusion as well. God had given us to each other. I was only 20, he was 34. He would always say how wonderful I am for staying by his side, as he grew sicker and sicker. I was so afraid he was going to die, I didn't understand why God would do that. I didn't understand that many times in life, as Joshua always says, what we need is patience and grace, what we need and want is not meant to come to us immediately. As he was longing for my touch and my love, I was longing for any touch. Not being able to differentiate. I sit here and I think about what my Joshua has been through. What I and others have put him through. Spending years doing hurtful things, not understanding to fight for what you want and what you need. As I walked into the house I was freezing. Joshua told me to come lay down and he could barely move, shaking profusely. He had told me that he had looked for me. But not the pain that he had endured. I laid behind him and held on. As I noticed he cringed as I laid my hand on his ribs. He said nothing. All that followed was him telling me every beautiful thing, everything he felt about me. He turned over to face me. He brushed the hair out my face. He had kissed me and made love to me. He looked into my eyes as I was crying. He said nothing and he never looked away. As I think of this and through my experiences, not only is there no better man than my husband, but there's no truer love.
I see my husband now. As he gets up every day and fights with everything that he has, truly everything. Each day, I've woken up thinking that I'm fighting hard, pushing through, making it through the day. But then I think about the pain, the hurt in his heart, the sickness, the suffering and the loneliness that only comes when there is not a single person who can relate to you. I suppose one of the few people that could relate to my courageous husband is Jesus. Even Jesus said that we would do greater things than he. I see the awful things that others have done to him. I see the patience he has had with me. I see the love and caring he has given me, saving my life; first offering me a haven away from the terrible people I had surrounded myself with that were putting my life and well being in danger. Then repeatedly as I tried to hurt myself and him.
From the age of 5, I was a cutter. I would cut, burn, maim my body to try to feel something. I knew I wasn't feeling emotions properly, but I didn't know how to cope, and honestly didn't want to cope. I would hide it under clothes, constantly wearing long sleeves, even in the summer, claiming cold, until I finally became cold constantly. When I finally admitted to what I was doing, Joshua was heartbroken, but compassionate. He held me and told me everything was going to be alright, and that he would always take care of me and love me. He told me that even if I was hurt or broken, that he would love me enough for the both of us. He would never leave me or turn me away. He didn't want me to hurt myself, it's wrong. He spoke to me of God. We talked about how we are created for each other, because we have true love. The love that we feel for each other in our heart means that if one of us hurts, so does the other. I didn't want to hurt Joshua. Of course, I knew it was wrong, but I hadn't wanted to stop. I didn't want to stop until him. No man has ever loved a woman more than Joshua has loved me. And no woman in the world has ever loved as I love him. He has saved me. Though I've fought him. Though I've fought to destroy him because of my self loathing, he has done nothing but love me and save me over and over and over again. No man deserves what he has been through. Joshua does nothing but love, and I have spent my life a creature of deception, anger, hatred and destruction. Joshua shows me each and every day that that isn't the way life has to be. It is a choice. I choose good. I choose hope. I choose Joshua.
I see people on television; especially this award show season, and though we've taken part in these events, that someone would describe picking out a dress as the most difficult decision one can ever have to make, while there are children dying of starvation. While entire families are being slaughtered for no reason. While people in the United States, the land of the free, in the year 2015 could be dying with no medical care because of ignorance of doctors. While my husband was having trouble even walking, he had given his word to some of his old friends that he would go to the SAG awards. And though in pure agony, he had reminisced and as I saw, giving joy to so many people who had turned their back on him, but sitll showed them nothing but love and friendship. Even finding a new friend on twitter, as we were trying to meet up with another Twitter friend who was at the show as well. As we arrived to the after party, looking for our friend, due to epilepsy I had become very sick and had a seizure. Though Joshua was in tremendous pain, he took care of me, took me to the hospital and showed me that no matter what we're going through we must find joy in everything. No matter what we do, it is a lesson. It is a gift. We were watching the Oscars the other night, as we were supposed to be there but Joshua was undergoing chemo again, and there was an actoress giving an interview who said, "this film was the hardest thing I've ever hard to do in my life. It required me to be vulnerable in order to do the film justice." Johnny Depp said it best about being an actor, "I lie for a living." And this is who we celebrate? I'm not saying that there should be no actors, I love movies. Letting your life revolve around acting and fashion, when there are people out there in such need, struggling just to get by, and not even doing that. That there is a widowed mother of three out there being judged because she is on public assistance, that there is a grown man dying of cancer who is unable to get life saving surgeries because of the fear of doctors to take on a bleak case.
I am losing him, not because of the things I've done, but because of things I haven't done. He loves me unconditionally through the hell that I have put him through, constantly saving me from mistakes that I've made, constantly loving me through the sick and twisted horrors that I have put him through. Everyday I wake up and he is there, fighting for his life, and fighting for me, for us. And everyday I have turned down his gift, crushed his spirit with my words, my lies and my actions, and for what? So I can continue feeling like the piece of shit that I am? I'm losing him to death, and I haven't even cherished the life that we've had so far. I want more. I want a chance to do it right. To stop saying devastatingly hurtful lies so that I don't have to lay my soul down. To stop fighting him and fight with him. It was supposed to be me and him against the world, and I've always made it me against him, and he waited, beyond patiently, he still waits for me to just stop. Be myself. Be honest. Be loyal. Be true to my heart and be true to our love. I feel that it is right. The peace in my heart when I'm with him. The peace in my soul when I hold him. I don't know how to begin to apologize for the abomination that is the way I've treated him, while he does nothing but love me. He's been there for me in sorrow and joy. He's been there for me no matter what. He's cleaned up the messes that I've made, not just for myself, but also for him and us. He's been there for me when I tried to destroy us, talking me off the ledge and back into his arms.
~Anna Bella Vaughan~
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