From The GSET Team: We have had to repost this story, due to computer problems that occurred when Anna Bella had sent us this letter, via email, we only received bits and pieces of the story. We have edited it to it's original form, and reposted it so that it is complete. We apologize for any confusion.
To all of our friends and family,
I wanted to write and show everyone my point of view of the horrors that my husband has lived through. His humility doesn't always allow him to see just how amazing and miraculous his survival is each and everyday, however, I see that no man, woman or child could go through what he suffers, just on a day to day basis, and not only live; but survive with their sanity, their fight for life, and their fight for others in love.
Joshua and I met during the short period of time when he was in remission. We met a a local bar, though neither of us drink; we were there for the karaoke. I was 20 years old and Joshua was 34. I was just a baby then, but he had always captured my attention, I was just too unsure of myself and insecure to go and say something. One karaoke night, however, I looked at him. Really looked at him. His tall posture. Shoulders back. Holding himself at attention like a soldier, but somehow managing to look completely relaxed at the same time. Drinking an Orange Fanta out of a can. But what really made me look twice were his eyes. The most piercing blue eyes I have ever seen. And not just because they are beautiful, but because I saw a deep sadness and heaviness inside of them. This beautiful quiet man, who would always sit in the corner, was never sitting or talking with someone except the man who ran Karaoke , had a depth to his soul, a pain that I knew no one else could see, and my heart ached. I wanted to immediately go up to him and hold him until all of that pain disappeared.
I had walked up to him and said, "Joshua, why aren't you smiling? You should be smiling! Smile Josh!" And he looked up at me and it was over. I was a late bloomer of sorts. I had never had a real boyfriend before, but I wanted to reach out to this man and hold him, comfort him; and then, he smiled. The most dazzling smile that hit me like a ray of pure delight. I became giddy in the region of over the top giggling and fantasy world.
The first time we had spoken, I was there that night with a few of my friends, a blonde, another Korean. The next time he went up to sing, he said over the microphone, "Hey Bella," (I went by Bella at Karaoke) "Is that your sister?" I said, "No, It's just another Asian!" He thought he had offended me. So he stuttered over the microphone and said, "um, did you know that Bella means beautiful in Spanish?" We started talking, and were having a great time. So we decided to meet there the next night for karaoke too.
When I got there the next night Joshua hadn't arrived yet, however, I had come with a large group of people, about twenty total. I had dressed up to look hot. My outfit was a cross between a dirty librarian and a cowgirl. When he got there, I ran up to him and jumped into his arms! I was so excited that he was finally there. He was gorgeous wearing a white dago tee, with a white, blue plaid shirt unbuttoned halfway down, jeans, work boots, and a few rings and a cross necklace. He gave me a big hug back and picked me up off the ground. It was as though we had known each other forever. We signed up for our songs and started talking about everything possible. When he had asked me for my number, I quickly went over the table where my friends were and said, "quick someone give me a friggin napkin and pen" and then rushed back over to him where he was holding his cell phone. What is wrong with me? I thought. It's not as if I didn't grow up in the era where cell phones were common. Just type it into the contacts list. I was so embarrassed, but he was gracious and just gave me one of those billion dollar smiles again that made me feel warm inside, not like the warm butterflies of a crush, but a feeling I had never experienced before. .It was as though if he smiled, no matter what happened and what may be, everything would always be alright.
We both went up on stage and sang our songs. I had heard him before, I remembered that I had noticed him before, but this was different. It was as though my eyes and ears had been shut off, and I was truly seeing this man for the first time. He went from singing Steam Roller Blues, Just A Gigolo, Just the Way You Are, No Sugar Tonight by the Guess Who, to Centerfield by John Fogerty, then a complete 180 and sang Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright with such power that the patrons of the bar were in tears, and then spun right back around singing Mack the Knife with a rasp that Bobby Darin would have killed to have. I was enraptured by his voice, his passion, his power, putting so much of his soul, heart, and body into the song that he would twitch as though having a seizure. I had never seen anything like it before. So many artists move on stage, and now these so called musicians all dance, but this was different. It was as though when he opened his mouth to let his voice ring, you were seeing a piece of his very spirit.
In between songs we would go outside onto the bar's patio. You could see in and out of the bar through huge windows looking out to the deck. We stood for a while talking, laughing, joking and laughing when my friend K came outside to join us; all 4'11" of her. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and she, was, wasted. She came up to me, gave me a huge hug, looked up at me and said, "Aren't you people supposed to be short?" I laughed so hard. Joshua laughed too, and it made him realize that he hadn't offended me at all the night before and he told me about what he had thought, we laughed so hard about it. We started really talking. Or rather, I did. I started rambling, on and on and on. I was never a big talker, and it was like 20 years of talking decided to pour out of me all at once. He was so gracious, smiling and nodding and encouraging me to talk. When I finally stopped to breathe he said, "It's like you are picturing the stories you are telling me in your head, but you are leaving out important details and I have no idea what you're talking about," he said laughing. Joshua said, "You know, I'd really like to kiss you right now, but I think your friends are watching us." We both looked towards the window, and all 20 of my friends were there, with their faces literally pressed up against the glass watching us. I told Joshua, "They've never seen me with a guy before, or even heard me talk about one." We stared back for a moment, but they had no humility at all and just stayed there, so we went back inside.
When karaoke finally had to close down, as all of the karaoke regulars would stay past last call singing, Joshua gave me a huge hug. The peace I felt. I had been scared all of my life, and I wouldn't have admitted it before, but I finally felt safe. I also could feel all of his rock hard muscle layered underneath his shirt. I couldn't even reach my arms around him, his chest and back were so big with a little itty bitty waist. I'd never seen a man before, I'd spent my life surrounded by boys. Suddenly, the words of a variety of girls and women in my past went through my head and I finally understood. How my girlfriends could talk about a guy's abs or butt for hours, or a camp counselor who had once said that running her hands down a man's back muscles was her favorite. It never truly clicked with me. But suddenly it was clear. I went outside and later Joshua would tell me that I had some very curious friends. One girlfriend in particular had been hitting on him all night and as soon as I was away from him, had come up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. He immediately turned around and extended his hand for a handshake, they shook hands and Joshua said, "It was nice to meet you," and turned around to come after me, but there were so many people it was like a conga line to get out the door. As Joshua caught up with me outside the bar, hoping that I hadn't left yet he saw me and told me later it was a sigh of relief as I was talking with some friends and we immediately walked up to each other. (He later told me about this incident, not because he wanted to make me jealous, or for any reason other than he wanted me to know I was his and he was mine; forever.)
At karaoke I would go by just Bella. The night before I had told him that my first name was Anna. He texted me the next morning saying, "I couldn't wait the recommended 3 days to talk to you again. By the way do I call you Anna or Bella?" Even now my face burns from the sheer joy of his text. No games. Just Joshua. And he was choosing me? Why? I know I was an insecure child, but I looked at this beautiful man and at myself, and I was overweight, didn't take care of myself. And he chose me? It didn't make any sense to me and scared me, because I had never wanted or needed anything like I need him. He said that the first thing he saw was the beauty in my heart and that I was a natural beauty. That he could wake up next to me in the morning and I'd be just as beautiful as when I layed down to go to sleep, even more beautiful.
We talked every night for a week. I had always had trouble sleeping, my entire life it had been a few hours a night at most, but after talking to Joshua for 5 hours, I could fall asleep peacefully and for hours. He would talk to me until I fell asleep, his voice so beautiful, peaceful, deep and soothing. He would often talk to me long after I fell asleep, telling me he was already in love with me, but I was too far asleep to hear.
Shortly before we met, Joshua had been in a minor car accident. He had gone to the hospital and was given a prescription of pain medication. It had had a strange effect on him and he was hallucinating from it one night. I was on the phone with him, laying in my bed, and he told me that he saw Papa Smurf. A BIG Papa Smurf. Like 6'8" Papa Smurf. He told me that Papa Smurf kept teasing him about me. Every twenty minutes or so, Joshua would say, "Shut up Papa Smurf!" I was laughing so hard I was crying.
The second phone call he asked me to dinner the next week on my night off from work. At the time I was managing the guest services department at a major chain hotel and going to college full time. My nights off were Tuesday and Wednesday, the days I had my classes, and of course karaoke nights. It was one of the longest weeks of my young life. The nervous excitement, and during the time he kept recording short songs that he had written me on his phone and would send them to me at work. My nickname was Panda based on a long running joke from grade school based on an old Snickers commercial. One night he sent me a song he wrote called the Sleepy Panda Blues, because I had told him I was tired. It brightened up a long day at work. It also brightened up my day when he sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off, not out of arrogance, well, we'll call it confidence. Though the picture was meant just for me, I couldn't control myself and had to share it and show it off to every female that I worked with, it sure brightened their day as well. I kept asking advice from the girls I worked with about what to wear, what should I do? I had never been on a real date before. Not where the man comes to your door and picks you up, takes you out, drives you home, kisses you goodnight. I was nervous and so excited.
So Tuesday came. Date night. I skipped all of my classes that day and spent four hours getting ready. Showered twice. I had never spent more than fifteen minutes getting ready for anything, even prom. About an hour before he was supposed to pick me up he called. His father had run his truck off the road and Joshua had to go tow him out. Sure, I understand, is what I told him. And then collapsed sobbing. Of course, now I feel ridiculous because that's life, and Joshua doesn't have a lying bone in his body, but at the time I thought for sure he was standing me up. I ruined my meticulously applied makeup. I called my best friend at the time sobbing about it. She told me to get ahold of myself, take a shower, get a drink, and calm down. The voice of reason for the evening she said, if he was standing you up, he wouldn't have called. So buck up!
I did what she said, and Joshua continued to call me every half hour to let me know when he would be able to make it to me. It was getting late around 11pm, when he finally had managed to help his father out of the jam and quickly went home to shower and change. I had showered again and reapplied makeup and previously picked out outfit, something else I had never done before. We decided since it was getting late that I would meet him out at the bar where we met. I was so nervous driving out there. It was about a 30 minute drive for the both of us. The whole way wondering if I would be more nervous if I got there first or if he did. When I walked into the bar; he was there. Looking gorgeous like he had spent hours getting ready, instead of having spent just a few minutes after his good deed. My whole being sighed in relief. There was music playing and he was facing away from the door watching the television. I came up behind him and gave him a hug from behind, setting my head on his shoulder.
As we are sitting there, enjoying each other's company, obviously both overwhelmed because of the sparks that were flying, Joshua received a text message. Though he wanted to ignore it, he was afraid it might have had something to do with his family, as his mother was very ill. The text message said simply I love you. I asked who it was from. He said it was from M, his cat. I said to him, your cat sent you a text message? He said, no sadly M had had to be put down. I said So your dead cat sent you a text message? And he said, no it's from my nephew, pretending to be M to make me feel better. And I said, Okay so your nephew pretending to be your dead cat texted you. Got it.
Joshua did not speak a word for about five minutes, as I saw the sadness in his eyes. I took his head into my hands and layed it on my shoulder. Later he had told me that it made him feel completely at peace and that he had never felt that kind of love before. He then asked if we could go outside. So we went outside and though he himmed and hawed for a couple minutes he finally explained and apologized for having lied about the text message. He then went on to tell me who it was. It was a woman that he had met in a chatroom for a VH1 television show. Eventually they had exchanged numbers, in Joshua's mind it was just for friendship. Later on, he found out that that wasn't her intention and that she was married and told her that they can not speak any longer. He felt so horrible about having lied, and even though I had known it, he kept apologizing over and over. I told him it was okay. That was the only lie he's ever told me.
We went back inside the bar and sat down for a few minutes. He ordered us each a soda, me a Fanta, and him a Slice. It was the first time a man had ever bought me anything. As we were getting ready to leave Joshua said to me, I'd really like to kiss you now. I said, but there's people watching us. He said I don't care and kissed me. Our very first kiss was awkward (And neither of us count it). I had gotten into my head that everything had to be movie perfect, because Joshua's the perfect man. He had a full beard and mustache at the time. I had obviously kissed before, but never a man and never with facial hair. We pulled back and he immediately ran the his left hand up my neck under my hair to cusp my head and his right hand he placed gently on my check and pulled me forward, tilted my head and said, "That won't do. I can do better." The next kiss took my breath away and literally made me weak at the knees. We laughed about the first kiss, and agreed we wouldn't count that, and he had asked me what happened during it for me. I had mentioned to him about his mustache being a first for me.
We kissed goodnight after sharing orange Fantas and talking until the bar closed. We agreed to meet halfway again the next night at the casino. The next night when I got to the casino, he was already there minus the mustache. I didn't say anything to him about it, but to tell him he looked nice. He didn't say anything about it, but told me that I was beautiful. We played some of the video poker games and went to the restaurant. There were three girls and one guy with. I had to run to the gas station across the street. Joshua followed. He was leaning against his truck, he had taken off his shirt and was wearing just a dago tee (tank top/wife beater). He said I'm sorry I took my shirt off, it's getting a bit warm. I said, that's okay you can wear just that. Then we all went out to the bar where we had met, for karaoke night.
After karaoke we stepped outside to leave. I asked him if he wanted to come back to my apartment to hang out. He said, I get up early to work out, and then I help my dad out with work, and then I spend most of the evening working on my music and album. He kissed me and gave me a hug and was walking away to leave, but immediately turned back around and said, you know what? I'm coming over. So we headed back to my house talking the whole way there on our cell phones. We had heard Rockstar by Nickelback on the way to my place, listening to the same radio station while we were talking on the phone.(And for safety reasons on speaker phone, of course.) He had never heard it before and we had laughed at the lyrics together (I'll have the quesadilla, haha) I am a classically trained pianist, but fancied myself a guitar player with all of the skill and finese of the 3 chords that I knew at the time. My television was in my bedroom, and we headed up there where we were greeted by my very carefully and obviously placed acoustic guitar, tuned and out so that it was the first thing that you saw when you walked into the room. He had told me he was a guitarist, but being a musician, I was skeptical. Again, not knowing his talent at the time and that he never lies or exaggerates, I thought of how many of the boys I had grown up with thought they were guitarists. He asked me politely if he could play my guitar, picked it up, checked if it was in tune, and sat legs crossed on the floor of my room.
He immediately started playing the song Rockstar. His ear and mind are so quick and so in tune (his perfect pitch that I am jealous of) that as we had listened to it, not only had he figured out exactly how it went, but remembered all of the lyrics too, and played it for me! Everything was perfect. From the phrasing, to the rhythm and lead which he played at the same time, and he matched the singers voices spot on, including Billy Gibbons from ZZtop saying the fondly remembered Quesadilla, haha. I was in so much awe I had nothing to say. My friend, at the time, was looking through my closet for clothes that she could borrow. Though Joshua and I were so completely locked into each other, we forgot she was even there. She then said, I think I'll leave you two to have some alone time now. Joshua said to her, it was nice meeting you. My friend said that she was going to go hang out downstairs with my roommates. She then sent me a text that said He's a keeper don't let this one go saying other wonderful things that I read to him.
He immediately went into two songs by Stevie Ray Vaughan: Pride & Joy, and Texas Flood. I hadn't heard them before, but I have since, but never on an acoustic and never with the level of skill that he played while sitting Indian style on the floor.
He paused and said "Am I boring you?"
I said to him, "No, it's just so amazing"
Joshua said, "Well I told you I was a musician."
And I had replied, "Yeah, but everybody says that." having no idea what a real musician sounded like til that moment. It was flawless.
He asked me if I would play him a song, as obviously he knew I could, having owned the guitar. I picked it up, and sat on the edge of my bed, while he lay on the floor with one arm propping him up, and I played and sang for him Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick. Later he would tell me that it was at that moment he knew that I was the one he was going to spend the rest of his life with and that he had fallen completely head over heels in love with me right there at that moment. His angel that he had been searching for his entire life.
He played me several songs that night, including a few of the very famous ones that he had written for friends. He ended with Oh, Darlin by the Beatles and I quietly started crying. I didn't let him see it, but I knew he knew. It had been the first time I cried, in I couldn't remember how long except (for our first date of course. He made me into a lady, in a good way.) Afterwards, we lay on my floor holding each other and talking about everything and anything. Confiding our secrets, and laughing about our pasts.
Our second date was just as crazy as the first, but this time it was my fault, but not all the blame fell on me. I was at work, and was going to meet Joshua after work for a movie and dinner. I had been feeling a little crummy, but I wasn't going to let anything stop me from seeing him. A couple hours before I would normally leave my oldest girl friend, J, came into my work. She asked if she could talk to me in private. I asked my girls at the front desk to take over for a few and went down to the restaurant we had in the hotel. We sat down and I got her some water. She said that she was really down and depressed. Her boyfriend had broken up with her recently, and she said that she was suicidal. I told her that I had a date with Joshua. She told me that she had heard that and asked to come along, she said that she didn't trust herself to be alone. I left to call Joshua, but my cell connection wasn't working, I thought okay well he won't mind. And honestly it would be a safety blanket so that I wouldn't do anything too stupid or embarrassing.
Joshua was so gracious, even with no warning, when I showed up with J, he didn't say a word. He had been waiting lying on the bench right inside the movie theatre, with his knees up and one arm under his neck, and one arm over his eyes. I told him what had happened with her and he was completely understanding about it. He was a little hurt, he had wanted to spend time with me, not with my friend, but he bought us both a ticket and food from the concession stand and the three of us went into see the movie 9. I had been looking forward to the movie coming out, I was intrigued by the story, and I was looking forward to the unique style of animation, little did I know that Joshua despises animated films. But he was a such good sport about it. He sat there and we held hands throughout the entire movie despite him being so uncomfortable because the seats were way too small. Being so muscular and tall at 6'3.5", 265lbs of rippling muscle, he had to slouch, and his legs were way out into the aisle, and the seats were hard and had no give. My poor Joshua.
After the movie, Joshua, J and I were standing outside in the parking light. It was way past dark. Right before I had left work, I had to call in our standby night worker at the last minute. We only had one person working at night, and she had had an emergency. However, our on call night auditor had only done the work a couple times. After the movie was over, I got a panicked call from work, and had to walk her through several tasks. While I was on the phone, J was over by Joshua. Leaning on my car, stretching up, lifting her shirt up and nearly flashing him. Later Joshua told me about it. I was pissed. I was pissed at her, and at myself. I had let myself be made a fool of by J, who had never been suicidal in the first place, but had come along for the sole purpose of trying to steal Joshua away from me. And I fell for it, because I was too busy running from my own heart. But Joshua was too smart. He knew the whole time what J was doing, and for that matter what I was doing, but he was patient and kind. He comforted me over my distress from the betrayal of the person who was supposed to be one of my best friends.
Neither of us were virgins when we met, but Joshua had taken a vow of celibacy for five years. He said that he wasn't going to have sex until he was married. But he told me that after meeting me, he changed it to not until he knew it was the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with and marry and he knew it was me. He's always believed there's a fine line between chivalry and chauvinism. The first night we were intimate, we didn't have sex. We were in my room at my apartment, and he said to me, "Take off your clothes." I said, "I don't think we should have sex, we barely know each other." and he said, "Take off your clothes now." I said, "Okay." He took of his shirt, but he turned his back. He said to me, "Don't look at my gut." And then he turned around. And I said, "Seriously?!?!? What gut? You don't have a gut you have an 8 pack, it's not even a 6 pack. I have a gut. You look like you're carved out of stone like a statue of a Greek God." And he said to me, "You don't have a gut, you're body is beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful." He came over to the bed, where I was laying naked, and he layed down with me and started rubbing his hands over my body. He complimented me on how beautiful and soft my skin was, and said that it was like moonlight. He ran his fingers gently over my face and said that he loved my little nose. And my beautiful eyes, and he said that we have the same size mouth and lips, and that we both have full cheeks. And he would kiss me and bite my tongue and nibble on my bottom lip and, well, we'll leave it at that (otherwise we'll have to change the age limit on this site.)
But he didn't take advantage of me. He was respectful and we held each other, but we didn't make love. As we were about to fall asleep he held me close and said, "I'm in love with you. I know you'll never love me as much as I love you, but maybe one day, if you can chisel some of the ice off of your heart, you'll learn to love me" I started crying. He then went on to tell me about the verse in the bible that stated that if your love is true, one person is enough. Enough for forever together, and enough for salvation.
The next day I prayed. I really prayed. I was so scared of what I was feeling. I had lived my life drowning in my own self-misery. I was afraid to feel safe, I was afraid to accept Joshua's love. I prayed to God, please give me an answer. Tell me it's okay to care, tell me it's okay to love him, that it is forever, that I don't have to be afraid that if I give him my heart that he'll disappear. All of a sudden a song came on the radio. It was Falling for you by Colbie Caillat. I started crying, I prayed, please God, I think this is the answer I was asking for, but please I need to know for certain. When the song was over Smile by Uncle Kracker came on. I knew this was the answer I was seeking. When I saw Joshua that night I told him "I love you" for the first time, it felt so natural, so normal, so right. I said it a dozen more times, just to try it out, to feel.
Things progressed really quickly for our relationship. After the first week, we spent every night together. The nights he couldn't come to me, I would drive the hour to him, and he would stay up all night waiting for me as I usually didn't get off work and out to him until 2am or much later. He was so patient and gracious, even after a full day of hard labor and working out to rehabilitate his body and then he would take care of me, making sure I eat, making sure that I slept, exercised, he brought me back to health and beyond any level of health and happiness that I had ever had before.
One night, while we were sleeping in bed together, I woke up out of a dead sleep and sat straight up. I had never felt the way I felt at that moment before. A peace in my heart. Joy. I got out of bed, leaving Joshua sleeping, and got out my computer and I wrote. I wrote of my love for Joshua, I wrote of the love that he showed me, I wrote of my renewed and now confirmed faith, and I wrote of the gift that God had given me in Joshua. Joshua woke and came out to find me and we talked. I read him what I had written and he told me, "That's love. That's faith. That's God." And he held me. He told me to never forget what that felt like, because though it may, and will probably fade, that it is never truly gone.
Joshua loves with a purity that just doesn't exist. Anybody can die for someone they love. But how many people exist that make the choice to live in torture for the one they love? Joshua is my angel, literally and in every sense and meaning of the word. He has saved my life a thousand times in a thousand ways, including when I went into a coma. Nobody loves as purely as he. No one gives as generously as he. And no one else would be willing to sacrifice their health to try to reach someone's heart, not to save their life, but to save their soul.
.......To Be Continued......
~Anna Bella Vaughan
At karaoke I would go by just Bella. The night before I had told him that my first name was Anna. He texted me the next morning saying, "I couldn't wait the recommended 3 days to talk to you again. By the way do I call you Anna or Bella?" Even now my face burns from the sheer joy of his text. No games. Just Joshua. And he was choosing me? Why? I know I was an insecure child, but I looked at this beautiful man and at myself, and I was overweight, didn't take care of myself. And he chose me? It didn't make any sense to me and scared me, because I had never wanted or needed anything like I need him. He said that the first thing he saw was the beauty in my heart and that I was a natural beauty. That he could wake up next to me in the morning and I'd be just as beautiful as when I layed down to go to sleep, even more beautiful.
We talked every night for a week. I had always had trouble sleeping, my entire life it had been a few hours a night at most, but after talking to Joshua for 5 hours, I could fall asleep peacefully and for hours. He would talk to me until I fell asleep, his voice so beautiful, peaceful, deep and soothing. He would often talk to me long after I fell asleep, telling me he was already in love with me, but I was too far asleep to hear.
Shortly before we met, Joshua had been in a minor car accident. He had gone to the hospital and was given a prescription of pain medication. It had had a strange effect on him and he was hallucinating from it one night. I was on the phone with him, laying in my bed, and he told me that he saw Papa Smurf. A BIG Papa Smurf. Like 6'8" Papa Smurf. He told me that Papa Smurf kept teasing him about me. Every twenty minutes or so, Joshua would say, "Shut up Papa Smurf!" I was laughing so hard I was crying.
The second phone call he asked me to dinner the next week on my night off from work. At the time I was managing the guest services department at a major chain hotel and going to college full time. My nights off were Tuesday and Wednesday, the days I had my classes, and of course karaoke nights. It was one of the longest weeks of my young life. The nervous excitement, and during the time he kept recording short songs that he had written me on his phone and would send them to me at work. My nickname was Panda based on a long running joke from grade school based on an old Snickers commercial. One night he sent me a song he wrote called the Sleepy Panda Blues, because I had told him I was tired. It brightened up a long day at work. It also brightened up my day when he sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off, not out of arrogance, well, we'll call it confidence. Though the picture was meant just for me, I couldn't control myself and had to share it and show it off to every female that I worked with, it sure brightened their day as well. I kept asking advice from the girls I worked with about what to wear, what should I do? I had never been on a real date before. Not where the man comes to your door and picks you up, takes you out, drives you home, kisses you goodnight. I was nervous and so excited.
So Tuesday came. Date night. I skipped all of my classes that day and spent four hours getting ready. Showered twice. I had never spent more than fifteen minutes getting ready for anything, even prom. About an hour before he was supposed to pick me up he called. His father had run his truck off the road and Joshua had to go tow him out. Sure, I understand, is what I told him. And then collapsed sobbing. Of course, now I feel ridiculous because that's life, and Joshua doesn't have a lying bone in his body, but at the time I thought for sure he was standing me up. I ruined my meticulously applied makeup. I called my best friend at the time sobbing about it. She told me to get ahold of myself, take a shower, get a drink, and calm down. The voice of reason for the evening she said, if he was standing you up, he wouldn't have called. So buck up!
I did what she said, and Joshua continued to call me every half hour to let me know when he would be able to make it to me. It was getting late around 11pm, when he finally had managed to help his father out of the jam and quickly went home to shower and change. I had showered again and reapplied makeup and previously picked out outfit, something else I had never done before. We decided since it was getting late that I would meet him out at the bar where we met. I was so nervous driving out there. It was about a 30 minute drive for the both of us. The whole way wondering if I would be more nervous if I got there first or if he did. When I walked into the bar; he was there. Looking gorgeous like he had spent hours getting ready, instead of having spent just a few minutes after his good deed. My whole being sighed in relief. There was music playing and he was facing away from the door watching the television. I came up behind him and gave him a hug from behind, setting my head on his shoulder.
As we are sitting there, enjoying each other's company, obviously both overwhelmed because of the sparks that were flying, Joshua received a text message. Though he wanted to ignore it, he was afraid it might have had something to do with his family, as his mother was very ill. The text message said simply I love you. I asked who it was from. He said it was from M, his cat. I said to him, your cat sent you a text message? He said, no sadly M had had to be put down. I said So your dead cat sent you a text message? And he said, no it's from my nephew, pretending to be M to make me feel better. And I said, Okay so your nephew pretending to be your dead cat texted you. Got it.
Joshua did not speak a word for about five minutes, as I saw the sadness in his eyes. I took his head into my hands and layed it on my shoulder. Later he had told me that it made him feel completely at peace and that he had never felt that kind of love before. He then asked if we could go outside. So we went outside and though he himmed and hawed for a couple minutes he finally explained and apologized for having lied about the text message. He then went on to tell me who it was. It was a woman that he had met in a chatroom for a VH1 television show. Eventually they had exchanged numbers, in Joshua's mind it was just for friendship. Later on, he found out that that wasn't her intention and that she was married and told her that they can not speak any longer. He felt so horrible about having lied, and even though I had known it, he kept apologizing over and over. I told him it was okay. That was the only lie he's ever told me.
We went back inside the bar and sat down for a few minutes. He ordered us each a soda, me a Fanta, and him a Slice. It was the first time a man had ever bought me anything. As we were getting ready to leave Joshua said to me, I'd really like to kiss you now. I said, but there's people watching us. He said I don't care and kissed me. Our very first kiss was awkward (And neither of us count it). I had gotten into my head that everything had to be movie perfect, because Joshua's the perfect man. He had a full beard and mustache at the time. I had obviously kissed before, but never a man and never with facial hair. We pulled back and he immediately ran the his left hand up my neck under my hair to cusp my head and his right hand he placed gently on my check and pulled me forward, tilted my head and said, "That won't do. I can do better." The next kiss took my breath away and literally made me weak at the knees. We laughed about the first kiss, and agreed we wouldn't count that, and he had asked me what happened during it for me. I had mentioned to him about his mustache being a first for me.
We kissed goodnight after sharing orange Fantas and talking until the bar closed. We agreed to meet halfway again the next night at the casino. The next night when I got to the casino, he was already there minus the mustache. I didn't say anything to him about it, but to tell him he looked nice. He didn't say anything about it, but told me that I was beautiful. We played some of the video poker games and went to the restaurant. There were three girls and one guy with. I had to run to the gas station across the street. Joshua followed. He was leaning against his truck, he had taken off his shirt and was wearing just a dago tee (tank top/wife beater). He said I'm sorry I took my shirt off, it's getting a bit warm. I said, that's okay you can wear just that. Then we all went out to the bar where we had met, for karaoke night.
After karaoke we stepped outside to leave. I asked him if he wanted to come back to my apartment to hang out. He said, I get up early to work out, and then I help my dad out with work, and then I spend most of the evening working on my music and album. He kissed me and gave me a hug and was walking away to leave, but immediately turned back around and said, you know what? I'm coming over. So we headed back to my house talking the whole way there on our cell phones. We had heard Rockstar by Nickelback on the way to my place, listening to the same radio station while we were talking on the phone.(And for safety reasons on speaker phone, of course.) He had never heard it before and we had laughed at the lyrics together (I'll have the quesadilla, haha) I am a classically trained pianist, but fancied myself a guitar player with all of the skill and finese of the 3 chords that I knew at the time. My television was in my bedroom, and we headed up there where we were greeted by my very carefully and obviously placed acoustic guitar, tuned and out so that it was the first thing that you saw when you walked into the room. He had told me he was a guitarist, but being a musician, I was skeptical. Again, not knowing his talent at the time and that he never lies or exaggerates, I thought of how many of the boys I had grown up with thought they were guitarists. He asked me politely if he could play my guitar, picked it up, checked if it was in tune, and sat legs crossed on the floor of my room.
He immediately started playing the song Rockstar. His ear and mind are so quick and so in tune (his perfect pitch that I am jealous of) that as we had listened to it, not only had he figured out exactly how it went, but remembered all of the lyrics too, and played it for me! Everything was perfect. From the phrasing, to the rhythm and lead which he played at the same time, and he matched the singers voices spot on, including Billy Gibbons from ZZtop saying the fondly remembered Quesadilla, haha. I was in so much awe I had nothing to say. My friend, at the time, was looking through my closet for clothes that she could borrow. Though Joshua and I were so completely locked into each other, we forgot she was even there. She then said, I think I'll leave you two to have some alone time now. Joshua said to her, it was nice meeting you. My friend said that she was going to go hang out downstairs with my roommates. She then sent me a text that said He's a keeper don't let this one go saying other wonderful things that I read to him.
He immediately went into two songs by Stevie Ray Vaughan: Pride & Joy, and Texas Flood. I hadn't heard them before, but I have since, but never on an acoustic and never with the level of skill that he played while sitting Indian style on the floor.
He paused and said "Am I boring you?"
I said to him, "No, it's just so amazing"
Joshua said, "Well I told you I was a musician."
And I had replied, "Yeah, but everybody says that." having no idea what a real musician sounded like til that moment. It was flawless.
He asked me if I would play him a song, as obviously he knew I could, having owned the guitar. I picked it up, and sat on the edge of my bed, while he lay on the floor with one arm propping him up, and I played and sang for him Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick. Later he would tell me that it was at that moment he knew that I was the one he was going to spend the rest of his life with and that he had fallen completely head over heels in love with me right there at that moment. His angel that he had been searching for his entire life.
He played me several songs that night, including a few of the very famous ones that he had written for friends. He ended with Oh, Darlin by the Beatles and I quietly started crying. I didn't let him see it, but I knew he knew. It had been the first time I cried, in I couldn't remember how long except (for our first date of course. He made me into a lady, in a good way.) Afterwards, we lay on my floor holding each other and talking about everything and anything. Confiding our secrets, and laughing about our pasts.
Our second date was just as crazy as the first, but this time it was my fault, but not all the blame fell on me. I was at work, and was going to meet Joshua after work for a movie and dinner. I had been feeling a little crummy, but I wasn't going to let anything stop me from seeing him. A couple hours before I would normally leave my oldest girl friend, J, came into my work. She asked if she could talk to me in private. I asked my girls at the front desk to take over for a few and went down to the restaurant we had in the hotel. We sat down and I got her some water. She said that she was really down and depressed. Her boyfriend had broken up with her recently, and she said that she was suicidal. I told her that I had a date with Joshua. She told me that she had heard that and asked to come along, she said that she didn't trust herself to be alone. I left to call Joshua, but my cell connection wasn't working, I thought okay well he won't mind. And honestly it would be a safety blanket so that I wouldn't do anything too stupid or embarrassing.
Joshua was so gracious, even with no warning, when I showed up with J, he didn't say a word. He had been waiting lying on the bench right inside the movie theatre, with his knees up and one arm under his neck, and one arm over his eyes. I told him what had happened with her and he was completely understanding about it. He was a little hurt, he had wanted to spend time with me, not with my friend, but he bought us both a ticket and food from the concession stand and the three of us went into see the movie 9. I had been looking forward to the movie coming out, I was intrigued by the story, and I was looking forward to the unique style of animation, little did I know that Joshua despises animated films. But he was a such good sport about it. He sat there and we held hands throughout the entire movie despite him being so uncomfortable because the seats were way too small. Being so muscular and tall at 6'3.5", 265lbs of rippling muscle, he had to slouch, and his legs were way out into the aisle, and the seats were hard and had no give. My poor Joshua.
After the movie, Joshua, J and I were standing outside in the parking light. It was way past dark. Right before I had left work, I had to call in our standby night worker at the last minute. We only had one person working at night, and she had had an emergency. However, our on call night auditor had only done the work a couple times. After the movie was over, I got a panicked call from work, and had to walk her through several tasks. While I was on the phone, J was over by Joshua. Leaning on my car, stretching up, lifting her shirt up and nearly flashing him. Later Joshua told me about it. I was pissed. I was pissed at her, and at myself. I had let myself be made a fool of by J, who had never been suicidal in the first place, but had come along for the sole purpose of trying to steal Joshua away from me. And I fell for it, because I was too busy running from my own heart. But Joshua was too smart. He knew the whole time what J was doing, and for that matter what I was doing, but he was patient and kind. He comforted me over my distress from the betrayal of the person who was supposed to be one of my best friends.
Neither of us were virgins when we met, but Joshua had taken a vow of celibacy for five years. He said that he wasn't going to have sex until he was married. But he told me that after meeting me, he changed it to not until he knew it was the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with and marry and he knew it was me. He's always believed there's a fine line between chivalry and chauvinism. The first night we were intimate, we didn't have sex. We were in my room at my apartment, and he said to me, "Take off your clothes." I said, "I don't think we should have sex, we barely know each other." and he said, "Take off your clothes now." I said, "Okay." He took of his shirt, but he turned his back. He said to me, "Don't look at my gut." And then he turned around. And I said, "Seriously?!?!? What gut? You don't have a gut you have an 8 pack, it's not even a 6 pack. I have a gut. You look like you're carved out of stone like a statue of a Greek God." And he said to me, "You don't have a gut, you're body is beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful." He came over to the bed, where I was laying naked, and he layed down with me and started rubbing his hands over my body. He complimented me on how beautiful and soft my skin was, and said that it was like moonlight. He ran his fingers gently over my face and said that he loved my little nose. And my beautiful eyes, and he said that we have the same size mouth and lips, and that we both have full cheeks. And he would kiss me and bite my tongue and nibble on my bottom lip and, well, we'll leave it at that (otherwise we'll have to change the age limit on this site.)
But he didn't take advantage of me. He was respectful and we held each other, but we didn't make love. As we were about to fall asleep he held me close and said, "I'm in love with you. I know you'll never love me as much as I love you, but maybe one day, if you can chisel some of the ice off of your heart, you'll learn to love me" I started crying. He then went on to tell me about the verse in the bible that stated that if your love is true, one person is enough. Enough for forever together, and enough for salvation.
The next day I prayed. I really prayed. I was so scared of what I was feeling. I had lived my life drowning in my own self-misery. I was afraid to feel safe, I was afraid to accept Joshua's love. I prayed to God, please give me an answer. Tell me it's okay to care, tell me it's okay to love him, that it is forever, that I don't have to be afraid that if I give him my heart that he'll disappear. All of a sudden a song came on the radio. It was Falling for you by Colbie Caillat. I started crying, I prayed, please God, I think this is the answer I was asking for, but please I need to know for certain. When the song was over Smile by Uncle Kracker came on. I knew this was the answer I was seeking. When I saw Joshua that night I told him "I love you" for the first time, it felt so natural, so normal, so right. I said it a dozen more times, just to try it out, to feel.
Things progressed really quickly for our relationship. After the first week, we spent every night together. The nights he couldn't come to me, I would drive the hour to him, and he would stay up all night waiting for me as I usually didn't get off work and out to him until 2am or much later. He was so patient and gracious, even after a full day of hard labor and working out to rehabilitate his body and then he would take care of me, making sure I eat, making sure that I slept, exercised, he brought me back to health and beyond any level of health and happiness that I had ever had before.
One night, while we were sleeping in bed together, I woke up out of a dead sleep and sat straight up. I had never felt the way I felt at that moment before. A peace in my heart. Joy. I got out of bed, leaving Joshua sleeping, and got out my computer and I wrote. I wrote of my love for Joshua, I wrote of the love that he showed me, I wrote of my renewed and now confirmed faith, and I wrote of the gift that God had given me in Joshua. Joshua woke and came out to find me and we talked. I read him what I had written and he told me, "That's love. That's faith. That's God." And he held me. He told me to never forget what that felt like, because though it may, and will probably fade, that it is never truly gone.
Joshua loves with a purity that just doesn't exist. Anybody can die for someone they love. But how many people exist that make the choice to live in torture for the one they love? Joshua is my angel, literally and in every sense and meaning of the word. He has saved my life a thousand times in a thousand ways, including when I went into a coma. Nobody loves as purely as he. No one gives as generously as he. And no one else would be willing to sacrifice their health to try to reach someone's heart, not to save their life, but to save their soul.
.......To Be Continued......
~Anna Bella Vaughan
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