My Perfect Husband

From the moment I met Joshua, I knew he was the one. I felt it. The last man I would ever be with, and the only man I would ever love.  I had always had a hard time feeling my emotions the way they were supposed to be.  I felt abnormal my whole life, always thinking that one drug, one drink, one cut, one day would trigger in me something normal.  But Joshua. That's who triggered it.  Suddenly I was feeling completely; both good and bad. The overwhelming joy of this incredible man, a beautiful heart, a beautiful spirit, which alone I hadn't dared dream for, but then being completely gorgeous, ripped muscles and the most enchanting blues eyes that have ever existed, just made the whole package of Joshua almost too perfect.

I've seen my husband reach out to people, even while laying dying without proper medical treatment, and spend hours talking to someone; even a perfect stranger, and lift them up.  No matter what the circumstances, he always puts others before himself; which at times, when it puts his life at risk, even when he does so for me, frustrates me, but to ask him to be more selfish, to put his life before others, to see how important he is to the world and especially to me, to ask him to value him life above another person's life would be asking hi to betray himself and to not be the man I'm in love with.

Everyday I watch him fight.  Some days I get so lost in self pity of worry and terror of losing him I shutdown completely.  Slip back into not feeling because the thought of losing him hurts so badly that I can't handle it.  Without him I have nothing and am nothing.  And it's not meant to be self deprecating, but please understand: any warrior going to battle must have the proper gear, or as the bible says, fight the good fight with all the right weapons.  My armour is Joshua.  My strength is Joshua.  My fight, my horse, my shield, my sword, all him.  Life is a war.  It's a war of our own making between love and hate, and even though I know in my heart that love will triumph, I can not bear even the thought of facing the world without him.

Every beautiful thing I've seen in this world has only been so because of seeing it through him.  At 16 I went to Europe with my high school choir.  Our first stop was Venice, Italy.  And at the time I took things into my mind in an almost clinical, scientific manner.  Eat real Italian pizza. Check. Feed the birds at St. Mark's Basilica. Check.  But now when I think of Venice, I dream of going with Joshua.  Dream of seeing it through his eyes, with his arms holding me while we take a gondola ride, or sharing a tiramisu, watching the sunset over the Mediterranean or cursing and laughing at the map for showing us a bridge that wasn't there leaving us stuck w/ 20 feet of water separating us from our destination (as Venice is completely on water connected with a series of bridges.)

I used to use pictures to try to hang on to any positive memory I could, trying to squeeze any bit of hope out of a good thoughts, but Joshua in my life, in my heart makes me dream of the memories I want to make with him.

I have watched the strongest, biggest, most muscular and purest hearted man, the man I love disappear slowly.  He used to be able to eat almost 10lbs of spaghetti and meatballs in one sitting and still be hungry enough to eat all of the icing off my birthday cake (another story for another day.) to not being able to eat a couple saltines without collapsing.  And everyday he gets up to fight more.  And I don't understand how I've given up my entire life, how he finds the strength within himself.  I can't comprehend, but hope to some day.

I have so anger and despair in my heart and though I know its not righteous to let those things affect your love for others it does.  Joshua chose the purity he has in his heart.  We're all born with it.  As he often says, we're born to love, we learn to hate.  I can feel the sorrow for his suffering and an overwhelming remorse for every moment that I have caused his suffering to be worry because even if I had never betray him in thought word and deed, but every moment that I denied how serious his sickness has gotten because I couldn't face the possibility of losing him.  Joshua is my Superman.  My real life hero.  Nothing can bring him down.  There is no Kryptonite for my man.  My amazing husband who has given his life for others.  Who saved a pregnant woman and her friend from being raped and murdered by an intruder and went to jail for it.  Who has been turned away and left to die by every doctor out there, and has sacrificed his precious time and life to always give me what I need.

I see my husband in everything and everyone.  When I talk to people, I always imagine myself thinking about how Joshua would say it better.  I take the things that are normal in an everyday life and realize how much I take them for granted.  I've always had a love/hate relationship with washing dishes, but I don't believe anyone truly enjoys washing dishes; that that is their true passion and calling, but I think most people would never even give though to what would happen if you couldn't.  Physically could not do them, then how would you feel about them? Would you miss it?


To be continued...