#Purpose How do we know?

Purpose! How do we know? Some people are born knowing their purpose, some people find their way into it. Many people believe they know their purpose, however, they find out later what they believed was was not really it at all. Some people succeed early on. Others become an overnight success after 20 years. Some people are known for their purpose and others make it known. Some are recognized world wide. But many never receive any recognition. So many people are lost trying to find their way into a purpose. The purpose is never lost within them. Unless discernment is withheld within themselves. Many times life itself redirects your purpose when you feel that you should be where anyone else is as opposed to that your purpose was interfered with by another.
Creation. A perfect design. We see others who live what seems to be a flawless life and hold no grace. We judge others who seem to be living an imperfect reckless life. But all the time intertwining a purpose-filled life. It is desirable to be recognized and validated. As fame is not evil; nor is money. But the love of this. As the Lord said to Abraham that ' you will be famous amongst all the nations.' As the Lord also said to David ' you will have vast blessings of worldly riches.' And of course as Jesus spoke the words, ' it is the love of money that is the root of all evil.' There are many things that alter our life's path that seem to postpone our purpose, but simply delay the succeeding and recognition of it. So many issues in life that redirect and branch off our purpose to succeed alongside someone, before someone and most importantly after someone who has a related quite similar purpose. The latter of these three is when we must find joy for those who have a successful revealed purpose before yours comes to fruition. Yet you are always serving it. It is very difficult on this day and age to know you have been gifted and blessed in a specific field, craft, career and through suffering and struggles have seen others who are not truly serving the Lord's purpose, but their own becomes successful, creating doubt and confusion of why give the gift and blessings that can not be fulfilled for certain individuals. Never the less the one strength of belief that you are still fulfilling God's purpose for yourself and for others must not be forgotten. But we do need others to motivate and validate, not success, but hope with an individual to encourage through love. And though the grandioso outcome of a worldwide successful career can be a wonderful feeling, simply asking how someone is doing, giving a nod, a smile, can do more for another's life than we ever could possibly know or imagine. In today's world, daily, we advertise ourselves. In the 80's I remember that a band that became commercially successful was considered a sell out. However now, if you are commercially successful, you are followed, liked  and revered amongst all others. And it is commonly stated that you did it all on your own. People name dropping, wanting shout outs , begging a follow back from a now famous person is the new absolute. But this purpose does not reach absolution. It's often stated in social media a person can be whomever they want to. Of course this is true; but sometimes, just sometimes, a person is being who they believe they should be. When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you truly believe you are living God's purpose for yourself? There are so many gifted individuals. Some exploit and take advantage of their gifts, a slap in the face to those who are gifted and blessed who have been wrongly imprisoned, been on the receiving end of horrible brutality, who have lived a lifetime of horrible illness, yet they never complain or feel pity. They never differ blame, they still believe, some have even lost their gifts for a short period of time or truly were never able to fulfill their purpose because they lost their lives, but the question remains of the fact did they serve their purpose? You can have 70 million people follow you on instagram and not change one person's life for the better. A purpose is not a reflection of oneself, how you use it is a respectful reflection of God. I am now 41 years old. Many know my sufferings, but I speak not in detail about them. Most of the time it is too painful. But it is not another's burden to behold. We expect and we demand with ill temperament using anger to reprimand. So again I ask what is purpose? Blessed are those who have the discernment to know what their purpose is. But we must think and feel and seek this out. We must help others to seek this out. It is not our purpose to understand another person's way. It is our purpose to respect. But we must not stand by and allow others to be wicked. We must not be right fighters, but righteous fighters. In reference to our presidential race, a God given purpose can not be held in contempt. We can not disrespect and degrade and/or demonize another to succeed and then speak as if this is God's purpose for oneself. I have often stated our words and our actions are only as good as the heart behind them. We are all sinners. As the Lord sayeth your sins will find you out. A true purpose allows you to recognize this. To carry love in our heart. As all of us are given a purpose, we should be living with one love. One heart. And one purpose. To serve the Lord's collective purpose for all. Without doubt there is no reason for faith. Without question you can not find the answer. And without the Lord, you can serve no purpose but that what you believe is for yourself. A purpose driven life is a fulfilled life. Those who have a greater voice than others. To set an example by serving their purpose righteously. Who must not take for granted as I've always said many are suffering, but very few empathize. Meaning to suffer along with. Your purpose is for you and you alone to know. But it is got you to share to value the life that was given to each and everyone of us and the life that was sacrificed to give us this opportunity. You can not fulfill your purpose alone. As alone, we did nothing to receive the gifts and blessings to fulfill a purpose. But it is our job and duty and of course responsibility to fulfill our purpose by coming together with in our struggles as without these we could not understand as the Lord sayeth I will suffer you as you will learn more through your sufferings . When we understand that we will never reach perfection, that is when we will finally be perfect.  In simple talk; purpose is no joke. It is not a game. It is a living, breathing life. The more we know about each other, the easier it is to fulfill our purpose. We complicate human beings. As human beings complicated themselves. We understand the purpose of a tree, of water, of air. This was not always the case. Within ourselves and reach other to understand what I call a purpose driven heart. So there question is. What is purpose? I reiterate what is  your purpose. Just as a tree, water and air, a true purpose does not take life, but gives it. Do not hold yourself or others in bondage as nothing happens out of God's will. Realizing that purpose is not a chance realization, but a chosen revelation. And as my health, as my suffering is quite prevalent, specifically right now this is my purpose that I was led to fulfill as of this moment. Use the tools that have been given to you. To be righteous and absolute in your purpose. Take care my friends
~ Joshua Jet Vaughan ~

Documentary Talk

While I have been fighting for my life and waiting for life-saving emergency surgeries, which is something I've mentioned from time to time; I wanted to talk about, to those who have just joined this page and to those who have been a part of it all along, a reminder of why I started it. Though there are several reasons, the main reason was to create a documentary.

While a lot of people don't know who I am as of yet, throughout the world, at least through mainstream media; for years I have lived in the world that we call celebrity. I am known throughout the music world and movie industries.  Many of my friends have made a successful living in the entrepreneurial world, but more so in the field of the arts.

I bring up my heath because the way I have suffered is inhumane. It has given me an understanding of how we view all aspects of this world. When doing a poll or a study, it is critical that there are a thousand people that are interviewed.  When we do this, we then use mathematics to create statistics based upon the results from a thousand people encompassing the total of the people of the United States.

When doing tests for medicine we do what is called a double blind placebo test.  These are guidelines that are followed, and sometimes laws, so that the question/answer process, or testing procedure can be valued as truth and speak for a nation. It gives it relevance.  Through time, we have found, that by doing things this way, that through these thousand people, we can nail down an outcome, again, for an entire nation.

It seems quite silly, but is usually quite accurate.

In my vision of this documentary, I decided to follow the same guidelines.  Since I have been ill, the process has been more difficult as I have not had a direct hands on approach the way I desire, but will not allow anyone else to do this for me.   As I am the only one that can understand my own vision, as it can not be explained because no one has gone through what I am going through.  I will not speak on how many people have been interviewed. I believe the process would be done by now, if I were healthy; but as soon as we get to that one thousand number, then the real work begins.

I imagine if I had gotten healthier, and my movie, which is coordinated with the documentary, and my album had been released, as the clout that comes from fame, would have inevitably been taken over: people would have jumped at the chance to tell their story.  So here are some interesting points.  Most of the people that are interviewed are everyday, what we call, civilians.  This is a term that is used consistently in Hollywood.  

Hollywood is not a city.  It is an institution that controls the world.  I don't believe there is a person on this planet that would disagree with me on this point.  However, dozens of the people interviewed live in the world of celebrity.  These are people that I have known for many years, and a couple dozen of them are what I would call friends.  On a sidenote: when I became ill, let me rephrase, seriously ill, for the second time in my life  my very famous friends had turned their back on me.  As I had given my word that this documentary would be done: to better the lives of the people involved and of this world. Remarkably, though not surprisingly, I had found with calling in favors for my friends, that the moment I mentioned a camera crew, they were up for the task.

Many musicians, what we call movie stars, as of now very popular A list actors, and even people who actually have their own shows, hence reality shows, have gotten involved.  Though in most interviews I have not been able to be there personally, I would take part via webcam.  I found that it had given people comfort to see my face and hear my voice as the conviction of what I am doing is lost  when I am not involved and also for the fact that throughout my years on this earth, I am deemed as a very trustworthy, honest person which allows for many of these people to feel safe when I give my word.  What is phenomenal is to see the difference in people.

Most people who are going through something unimaginable to the rest of the world, that is unimaginable to themselves, especially dealing with health issues, do not want to speak and have not wanted to take part.  It is the people who have gotten better, went through tragedy into triumph who now want to tell their story.  I suppose people have a difficult time talking about their problems while undergoing them as their problems are a daily reminder; and as they try to cope it is a hardship within itself to simply speak of it.  It is a constant reminder of something that you are always reminded of.  I understand this.

I am confused by the fact that when pain becomes so great that people want someone to whisk in and save them, but won't do so when help is offered. But I also understand that the lack of trust and hopelessness from what man has done to them, creates a jaded strength.  And I am amazed that when people state they are in pain, they are held in contempt as this is somehow a fault which allows man to pass judgment. When talking to the medical community;  the sick who have had to build the strength to survive; the medical community look at these people as weak.  As they try to deal and cope with incredible strength and grace, and in this generation of modern medicine, the medical community does not believe that someone could come in with these virtues and be that sick, even when the test results show to the contrary.

I have been deemed myself, by the medical community, as combative.  I speak my mind.  We all know ourselves better than anyone else could.  And somehow people become offended by this fact. And let me remind you that I was once a doctor.  When this documentary comes out, you will be horrified of what is going on inside hospitals and doctor's offices.   Along with religion.  The churches that have been interviewed.  The judgment placed. I will give you a fact: churches are tax exempt.  The government does this for them for the reason, as in good faith, they believe in the institution of religion, to use this money that is not paid into taxes, to help those who are in need.  And they must do so accordingly to federal guidelines.   The dishonesty of doctors, of the church, the corruption and abuse, you will see is unprecedented. We have interviewed law officials, federal and state employees including soldiers and even many homeless individuals and so many other people who we classify, and you will see the heresy, the chaos that is being created by the people that we pay to ensure fairness and humanity.

It is also very interesting how we view each other, and our own struggles.  I wanted to bring in people that have had great success in this world, and show the difference on how they look at themselves and others.  It is amazing to find that one person's struggle, which is just simply a part of life and working hard would be another person's joy; the going through the bureaucracy and the politics that lie in the music and movie world are somehow more difficult than that of the person who is fighting cancer without treatment or proper treatment.

And how the celebrity can never be happy content or full of joy until they succeed in a way that allows them to feel important and as we say "made it," which usually comes through winning an award or worldly recognition in abundance and continuous.  The other person, who is truly fighting for their life does not get to pursue their dreams and goals  because they are fighting for their life and they are suffering horribly.  And one thing that I have learned about life is that the pursuit of happiness, by pursuing your dreams and goals, simply moving forward, and no matter how slow, continually making progress is what people thrive on so that they can have a worthwhile life.  Without this it is like the Dead Sea. You are stagnant. There is no new water coming in and no old water going out, not allowing for life, but sometimes comes down to simply welcoming death.  Now that, my friends, is struggle. We must have a healthy outlet. Even in life, when we take steps backwards, it allows us to run and leap forward.

In this world the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing when they should be washing each other.  I am saying about coming together.  The more we know each other, the more we can empathize: meaning to suffer along with.  The more we empathize, the more we understand.  The more we understand, the more we support.  This allows for a better chance of living in a world of love and peace, not just survival or existence.  I have found myself that I can not empathize with a person who has taken on the task of being successful in their chosen field because there is no way to suffer along with non-suffering.  And when they succeed in this field, their life actually goes backwards.

Yet, these are the people who get the help they need.  They take for granted that they walk by a person who can not even get an aspirin from a doctor for a horrible disease, but if they injure themselves, because there is an investment into their life, from another person, they receive help, thoughts, prayers until they are completely recovered.  Yet, many of the people being passed over, not only are suffering horribly, these people could be the greatest example for others the next Einstein, the next Martin Luther King Jr., the next president of the United States, the greatest actor ever, an incredible musician, an inventor that benefits the lives of billions, but until they get their health and recognition, they are just simply expendable.

I have been most sickened, through this interview process  by the medical community, law officials, our government representatives, and by what I will call the church.  They live in a small minded world, picking and choosing who is the most valuable to them, and they determine this, most often, in this study, by what the person in the most need can give back to them.

You will find that media has destroyed this world.  My documentary is supposed to give those people who do not have a voice the largest voice of all, but not through the volume  of the pitch of their voice, but by volume of the people they reach.  I have found that most people think only of themselves.  We see everyday on reality shows and on multimedia that a person's choice of gender or whether or not they are pregnant is what we in society grab onto as being relevant and important.  When a person wants to tell the world that they are truly pregnant, and that somehow that is important to the world, not understanding that this is all about vanity and that this point has no relevance to anyone but themselves yet somehow this is not embarrassing and is deemed worthy as news or entertainment news when nobody gives a shit, that there is a person a mile down the street who can not get insurance to take care of themselves or their unborn child; and the furthest thing from their mind is caring about what people have to say.

You will see in this documentary very famous celebrities at award shows.  When edited you will see people suffering watching the award shows.  You will be able to see the difference and how we view ourselves and we view others.

So many people are longing to be recognized, to be remembered.  But have you asked yourself... for what?  What would you like to be recognized for? Remembered for? Your lip implants? Your hair? Your horrible traumatic event of having to choose to play a character and remembering it as the hardest choice you had to make in your life.  You'll be amazed by how we look at each other.

What's also amazing is that some people forget the camera is even there, but many are very aware and put on a show.  This documentary will strip down all the lies and all the makeup that is hiding the truth in this world.  You will be able to form a proper, realistic, rational, logical conclusion.

Even in my sickness, when my body and mind is corrupted, I have a gift.  My gift is that I can sift through  bullshit so fast that people can not hide behind it.  I always have known what questions to ask to get the truth.  I am one of those people that you either love or hate, or sometimes both.  In my  lack of health I have found it hard to slow myself down many a times.  Many times, however, this is beneficial for my purpose, but not beneficial to my health.

The friends that I have acquired throughout this life, love the fact that I speak my mind.  My life is so extraordinary,  but let me separate these two words.  Down to extra-ordinary. Negative and positive. Through this I have learned how to manipulate without manipulating.  Manipulation can be a horrible thing.  If you do so because it is the only way you can find the truth, know where you stand, better lives and the world, it is just like any emotion, it becomes righteous.  Having anger without holding it in your heart. Having sadness without letting it consume you.  Learning that in order to be strong we must be weak and that through weakness comes strength.

Everything on this planet has a literal polar opposite.  Up, down. Left, right. Back, front. Good, bad. Right, wrong.  And on and on it goes.  And this has never been more relevant than with people themselves.  This documentary, I hope, brings to fruition, the fact that being opposites is what brings us together.  If we only accept and empathize and of course, appreciate our differences.

I will give you an example of this.  If you take two magnets of the same polarity, they will constantly keep pushing away from each other.  Yet, if you take two magnets of opposite polarity, they will latch together with incredible speed and voracity.  We will also see how some people love to articulate through bullshit.  Some people have no vocabulary at all.  That they live in the world of fear, and the only way they can get out of it is through validation of a person that they view as being greater than themselves.  You will see arrogance that is stemmed from unbelievable insecurity.

You are watching it and hearing it every day of your life.  Big stories such as Caitlyn Jenner.  A 65 year lie.  According to her somehow through  this lie the world will be changed for the better.  But again, she is the only person that has a voice.

Are we even aware of the impact we have on others? The childishness that is multimedia? And again, I ask you, we so desperately want to be heard, but we choose to speak nonsense, hiding behind a computer screen.  We deem ourselves so worthy that we can rattle off a tweet, but not respond to the people we are talking to the ones who support us the most and that is an example of a me, me, I, I selfish asshole.  And pardon my language, as I try not to speak like this, but those people can go fuck themselves, as obviously they have not realized that what they are missing in their life is the fact that they need someone to pull that giant stick out of their ass. But then there would be no strings to pull, as there would be no puppeteer and no marionette.  Hey kids! It's Howdy Doody time. If you don't get that reference you're not old enough to be reading this.

My documentary will change the world.  Corruption will be brought forth.  Many of these institutions will be brought down.  On a personal note: though my movie and album are going through a studio and I own the rights for every aspect of these, my documentary would not be allowed to be done the same way.  So I picked up the tab.

When it comes out, I will have funded it myself.  I am willing to spend tens of millions of dollars.  Hell, I will spend a hundred million to bring righteousness to this corrupt world.  I was going to leave my story out of it, because of my movie, and then I deemed myself a hypocrite.  I justified the fact that if I brought myself into it, then it would be about me.  Well, it is.  In order to understand what is happening with other people and their struggles, I realize that you have to understand why the man who is doing this would do it.

I am just like everyone else and I am nothing like everyone else.  I have preached love, but I, like many others at times have lived my life in hatred. My hypocrisy knows no bounds, but in the statement, I am acknowledging my hypocrisy, which allows me to change it, because there is nothing worse than a hypocrite, except for maybe a politician (same difference.)  But this comes down to a polar opposite. You can not love without understanding the negativity of having hatred in your heart. We need to accept these things about ourselves so that we can better ourselves.

I am tired of sugar coating.  I have tried to walk softly on people's hearts and listen to the filth that comes out of their mouths.  But the fact is that I would be a horrible example if I lit into everyone as they go through their learning process just as I have had to go through mine. From 30 through 33 and a half I suffered torture.  Until recently, I thought that was the worst it could get.  Through those 3 and a half years I hated everyone and everything, except for God.  While suffering immensely, I took on the task of changing myself.  When I went in remission, all I felt was love.  When I became ill again, as I believed at 34, after meeting my wife, this was my time, our time, to finally shine, to serve a purpose greater than ourselves.  I started to decline very quickly.  I held onto my faith. And then something changed.  I still have love in my heart, but I hate God. I had, what I believed to be, an incredible relationship with the Lord, and in all my life's struggles, I believed they were for a greater purpose.  But through what I have experienced, as well as my wife, I simply can not find the purpose in this. I have battled with my faith and THAT is what I hate. It is all consuming. Though I have searched for answers somehow I am not allowed to understand, but that is the only way to find the truth, and this is, what I have found, many people go through.  Yet, these people, in their lack of faith, still have more faith than any other human being.  They are treated by people and especially by Christians as faithless corrupted losers.  I had my own family and have heard and seen other people literally be rebuked, no not their disease, but them, by the representatives of God.  But I would be remiss if I did not state that the bible says nothing happens out of God's will.  But I can not agree with this. I am not God, but I did not know I was supposed to be. And that is where people need to step up, because maybe, that is the purpose of it all.   It has also made me appreciate the people who truly hold love in their heart for others.  And it's very simple, yes, we must give love, but we have to receive it as well. Oh, the hypocrisy that lies within us.

Christians who look to psychics.  Who need proof when the bible is derived up of one major thing.  Faith.  Faith is believing in something without proof through seeing, hearing or touching.  In the bible it is quoted by God and Jesus many times that your word is good enough.  Yet, within the church, this is never the case, and with Christians they spend more time trying to explain themselves than just doing.  Most men have not experienced enough hardship in their life to know the difference between East and West, North and South.  We hide behind the excuse of ignorance.

Oh, how a man says "My thoughts are with you." Yes, a figure of speech, but how arrogant are you to say that your thoughts are important.  People who say, we're praying for you, but don't understand the concept that God has to choose to answer the prayer. Without words and actions, your thoughts are meaningless, they are self serving.  And maybe God doesn't answer a prayer because He understands what we don't, or choose not to: knowing that the person who is simply praying has it within their power to save another life by one simple act.  And yes, what I am saying is people suffer, not only because of others and what they do, but because of what they don't do.. And biblically this is a constant that God allows to happen, or causes.  Doctors who tell you you have a life threatening brain tumor, but your insurance may not cover this, so hit the road.  People who have paid taxes for 70 years and the government says screw your pension, it's either food or medicine.  The celebrity says that I busted my ass to get in shape for this role and it's the hardest thing I've ever done and then I made 75 million dollars this year from it.

Musicians that are filled in this world, that are of this world who are literally children who have no idea what they are talking about.  A 22 year old has no understanding of real love.  Who has been singing for three years and then get their break; they have no understanding of struggle. That's why they all end up in rehab and jail.  When Ed Sheeran makes a documentary  and a person goes crazy over the fact that he acknowledged their existence.

I have put several songs out on Youtube and they're all shit.  They were all while I was sick.  There is a certain sound that I prefer;this would be the sound that I have worked for for years, the sound of my cousin SRV, but very few people have heard. This is very frustrating.  And I'm amazed how people consider what I consider the worst of my sounds as being the best.  How in life we have to do our best to finish something. The last time I tried to finish up my album I collapsed and went into a coma. So for the vocal parts, as I can not sing as of right now, and I will tell you again that I have the most powerful voice of any person that has ever existed.  My wife, who has an angelic voice, I  have decided she would do the vocals that I could not do.  It's called adaptation.

Getting back to the documentary.  I have found that the people who question God's existence and their own faith have the right to do so, because without doubt there is no reason for faith.  I have seen that the people who are the most blessed, but consider themselves lucky, as if there were such a thing as luck (just in horseshoes and hand grenades my friend) choose not to believe because of what is happening to other people.  Meaning how ugly the world is.  But sit on their lazy ass.  Will spend one million dollars on a car, but won't spend $10 to give someone a meal or make a call to their surgeon to give someone else medical care.

Doctors are not all created the same.  One doctor can do in 5 minutes what another doctor can not do at all.   Sure, we could all take on the case, the life of another person to simply open up our hearts and minds to learn, but that would be too difficult.  It comes down to power, title, clout, fame, money, and most importantly voice.  If you are mute and are hurt, you can not scream for help.    That is what it is like for those who are not valued as having a life worth living.

I have seen through this documentary that people will get themselves involved in your business for no other reason than they are so lonely and lost that they only can survive through drama.  I have several celebrities try to get out of the documentary as I had shown then, or rather my staff had, the results of the Q & A.  Fortunately, I have great lawyers and they signed contracts.  I am also doing something different in my documentary to show that there is no out of context.  I am putting in the corner of the film timestamps when I deem them relevant so that people know that what they are hearing or seeing is not being altered or edited.   I believe that our government will have to do something after this documentary.  And what will be amazing to see, if people spend more time defending their actions and comments for their lack of caring and remorse than simply get on up and start taking care of business.  When the everyday man has to explain themselves to everyone in order to get help, releasing personal information.  And the celebrity does so on purpose, then complains as if it wasn't a publicity stunt and finds that they must comment on every aspect of their life and what every person says about them.  Why take the time to defend yourself when you did nothing wrong and there is no guilt to be had? And it always comes down to deflection of blame.  But living in this world, this is the truth. They do so when they feel that they are becoming irrelevant to society.  So the publicist maneuvers to create controversy for the specific  motive of bringing attention and relevance back to a celebrity.This will be shown in my documentary many times over.  You will truly see the difference on how people look at each other and this world.

I also will show you something very interesting.  It is called experimental studies.  How this has become a foundation in the medical community of the hoops that people must be dragged through before they can even get an MRI.  In small communities people must go through a myriad of tests, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars before they can get the best test such as an MRI which would be cheaper and more efficient and they would find out all the information they needed with that one test. We brought in hidden cameras and audio recorders into hospitals for emergency room visits.  As a person has a right to document this in these ways.  Doctors would refuse treatment if they did so.

Many people have experienced this.  We know it's happening, but we've turned a blind eye.  I had come up with this idea long before I became seriously ill, it's just the fact that because of my illness it has become more relevant and prevalent to bring this to people's attention. I thought there could be quite a bit of controversy when this comes out; then I realize there won't be, because it would be detouring from this horror that people are going through.

In ending we have lost the ability to talk plainly.  We have forgotten our elders' quips, cliches, advice.  The fact is is that everybody wants to be a martyr, but nobody wants to create martyrdom for others. Hence, no controversy.  Leaving you with this: With great power comes great responsibility.  Yet, somehow, with great power,  the world does not hold us responsible as we do not hold ourselves so.   Because we only consider people irresponsible when they live in the fantasy world of others; of some how the fact they do not contribute to society when the truth is is that society has not contributed to them.

Until next time. Take Care.

Post Script: I will be sharing more anecdotes and I will continue on about experimental studies.  I have been used as a guinea pig. You will find the advances we have made in technology but will not use.  You will find on what many diseases are caused by, but are not known throughout the medical community.  I always made a joke that it is said that we use only 10% of our brain, which means there is a 90% chance that we are wrong.  It has been found within myself that I use around 27% of my brain and how this affects my physical health and that using more than this is impossible because you can not sustain life.  But I will let the story through the documentary do the telling.  And on one last personal note: I had video taped and audio taped, but I suppose using the word taped is an old reference, my family.  And I did so to show that our own families can be the worst thing that have ever happened to us.  You will be mortified.  This is my reality and this is something you could not make up which is why all of these things had to be documented.    Thank you again for your time.

"This documentary is not to discourage.  Through realization comes revelation. Without understanding tragedy we can not have hope and achieve triumph.  A purpose that is served through recognition of horror is the only true way for a purpose to be great, because the outcome is that miracles do happen. But we must understand that a miracle can come from one man to another.  For one man it may be something small, but for another it is not only large, but greatness comes from resolution that turns into revolution. So simply speaking in plain talk: please do not sell yourself short or others.  We determine our own level of involvement in the helping of others.  It is not a burden, it is our duty and responsibility.  As no one achieves anything great alone, and never will, that is reserved only for bad."

~Joshua Jet Vaughan~

Real Life Angel 0.5- Joshua's Insight

In my youth, there were many signs that I would have health issues to the degree that I have now, but were overlooked.  As far as parents/family are concerned, some of the problems that I had endured throughout my young years should have been noticed and acknowledged as they were quite abnormal.  But in these years, you assume these are natural occurring events.  We all have aches and pains and many of us deal with some type of health issue throughout our life.

Being an All American athlete in four sports, though basketball was my passion in my youth, when I went to college, ultimately football was the sport I chose to play. When deciding a major, while attending the University of Michigan, I decided on Medicine.  My minor was in theology.  By the time I was attending college, the emphasis of God and Christianity was sorely lacking in this field.  As I accepted Christ at the age of eight, I had had an understanding through the years of having a wonderful doctor, until he died when I was at the age of twenty two, of how faith and medicine go together.

I graduated very early from medical school.  Did my residency, and practiced medicine for two years. During this time I had received a calling.  That calling was and is music.  I also had seen the corruption in medicine and knowing that I would make a career out of music that financially would be quite beneficial, not only to myself but to others as well; I had realized that my degree, my understanding of medicine and through the financial means that I had attained through music, I would be able to help those in need moreso than I could ever do as a personal doctor.

As I have gotten quite ill and have been mistreated throughout the years medically, it has taken away many of my gifts and normal every day activity.  I have had several opportunities to sue for malpractice.  My heart has always detoured me from this course of action. I have always had so much faith, I have believed that God would take care of this. As I can not understand His way of doing things, for I am not God, I left this in His hands.  Throughout the years I have realized that the simple kinetic energy that builds from good words and actions snowball effects a hundred times more severely with bad words and actions.

When dealing with someone's health there comes a time where you reflect through the years and as  you look back you realize that there are many occasions where you needed to stand up.  And that yours and anyone else that is part of your life, is now dramatically affected by what I call passive behavior; which has taught me how to be convicted and assertive.  With my life being on the line and with having a wonderful wife, who as far as the world is concerned, is very young at the age of 26, I can not let what is happening to me stand any further.

As this is now not just about me, but about my family.  When people use their title to coerce, intimidate, or jeopardize a person's life, how long do we stand by and let this happen?  I have seen and been through horrible circumstances that no man should ever endure, but I believe could not endure.  As I try not to question, as most of my days are filled with horrible suffering, I become confused.  But yet, I fight with as much patience and grace as possible.

I have always lived my life honest.  Righteously.  I find it interesting that in many professions and specifically the medical profession, that malpractice to the degree of the possibility of someone losing their life is less important to the law than me leaving a message stating that you are all fucking sick, damn you, and I'm going to fucking sue.  Somehow, that has become more important as this doctor and their office have milked, playing the victim, more than I have ever experienced in my life.

I have seen throughout the years how title, money, clout, power, has allowed people to have a better quality of life.  But this is something I have not seen my entire life. As everyone's life is worth the same.  We are all human beings.  We are all valuable, not only to ourselves, but each other.  And our lives all contain the same value.  We all need the same things as everyone else does.  And health is the first.  I have learned so much in my life.  I have been given so much, as far as gifts, talents and opportunities.  I have never been able to apply this or use these opportunities to better myself or the world the way I could if I was healthy.

I have an incredible understanding of human nature.  We have all been given opportunities to better our lives and others, but do we do just that? As these opportunities are passed down from God to human hands, as people we give ourself the credit and acknowledge ourselves as the beneficiary of our own hard work.  But whether we look at it as a God given gift or done simply by ourselves there is always someone that had a part to play in our life's success.  But have we given the same in return? As time goes on I see less and less of this.  Every man deserves health.  Every man deserves help.  There is room for all of us to succeed. As we should take pride, not in ourselves for how we have helped another man, but in the opportunity we have given them to succeed themselves; hence Pay It Forward.

The contradiction that comes with me is that I have seen that money, clout, etc. may have no affect on how you are treated, yes even medically, in this world.  Though I am not shocked by what happens.  Everytime something like this does, I can not find the ability to understand it.  Ignorance is not a lack of understanding.  Ignorance is a lack of responsibility to do just this: to simply understand.

To elaborate, on the story that had been told on what happened recently with the doctor and the law, the officer who had called my home  based upon the message that I had left, and my wife's, that the doctor and his employees, had stated to the officer, were in fear for their lives.  But who should be in fear for their life?  Though my message was not threatening, other than the fact that I was going to sue, even if it were I give you this analogy: If a man is standing 100 feet from me holding a baseball bat and I threaten to harm him if he attacks me; is that a threat?  As opposed to the man who is swinging the bat and hitting me, is that a threat?  Or is that a specific action, as they are currently doing bodily harm to jeopardize my life?  So as this doctor's actions, as with all doctors, they will put a narrative (which by the way is illegal) in my medical records, not only hurting me directly from his lack of treatment, but furthering the harm by influencing the future actions of others as colleagues always stick together.  The way that people manipulate, con, and straight out lie is horrific.  Taking more time on a lie to cover their butts, than even giving the thought or having the heart to care about another human being's life.

Daily we walk by as we see this happening in our world.  And we stand by idly.  Many times the word evil is used.  Evil is often associated with television and movies. An example created in horror, derived from this media, as we all have the same conception of what evil entails. But when wrong behavior can cost another person their life, do you determine if this is ignorance derived from any basic human emotion, or do you determine that this is pure evil?

With that being said, I would like to state this.  For the last ten years the number one percentage of murderers and serial killers come from one profession: The medical profession, specifically doctors.  No I am not talking about medical malpractice.  There are two categories I am talking about.  Doctors who are so sick that they kill people while in their office or hospital overdosing them and using other means for their own pleasure to murder.  Also, in the category of murdering people outside of the office or hospital.

When talking with the officer who is a foolish man at best, and obviously had no idea who he was talking to, as his words were child-like, as even though I am very ill I still have never allowed myself to be bullied or intimidated.  This has never come through my sheer size and strength, especially when I was healthy, but through the gift of articulation throughout my words; which sometimes are followed by action.  In this situation I have found that people use bullying to validate their importance.  As something is missing in their life.  So they try to intimidate to make up for their unhappiness.  Their loneliness.  And the empty feeling that comes from having no morality or faith in anyone or anything, especially themselves.  I had told this so called officer of the law that the doctor and his employees had left several derogatory messages to me via phone/letters (which by the way makes their actions a federal offense), and as I had offered him proof, wanted nothing to do with it, as this was outside of his jurisdiction.  Yes, a contradiction within itself, asked me why would a doctor's office would do something like this or leave something like this.  My reply was as opposed to what or whom?  As I continued to state, just because they work in the medical field does not mean they are infallible and do not live in the same moral ambiguity as the rest of the world.  And because they take an oath, as the first statement in the Hippocratic oath is thou shalt not harm, when they do this, it is far more serious because of the oath than someone who is outside of the medical profession.

As far as this lowly would be officer, who is living his life passive aggressively, which does not go over on someone like me, he also had to take an oath.  And the first statement in his oath is to serve and protect.  Yet, I ask you whom is he serving and protecting?

We in life, do not get to choose who is more important, rather whose life is more important than anothers'. Most of us go through life judging.  And many years ago I learned something.  An epiphany or revelation I suppose.  We may have our opinion, but we must not place judgment.  Our opinion must be formed by gathering enough information, which usually comes through time and education, along with instinct and discernment, before we should come to a conclusion.

There's an old statement that is never used anymore.  People used to say simply before making a decision, so that it was not rash, to sleep on it.  No matter how much we know somebody, we will never be able to completely understand them, as the way they understand themselves.  Though we sure like to think otherwise and believe we know what is best for others. You may be fifty years old, and even your parents do this very thing.  But by doing so, people spend more time focusing on others and less on themselves.  They are contradicting themselves within their own words and actions. But life is about responsibility. We must hold ourselves in contempt, and take responsibility for our own actions.  Actions have always spoken louder than words.

 Somehow we have gotten to the point in life that if we wrong someone so badly and back them in a corner, that when they defend themselves, we consider them to be wrong.  We all live with instincts.  It is called discernment.  We all know the difference between right and wrong.  What I have seen in my life is that people have chosen to decide what is right and wrong based upon what is right and wrong for them and them alone.

We have the right to live our life accordingly.  But if our life choices negatively effect the lives of others, personally or from afar, to where their life could be altered so dramatically where they can lose their life, when will people find the humility to know that what they are doing is wrong? To change their ways and make it right?

Frankly, I have put how I feel about these types of incidences in a kind manner. I have learned that ranting, while having anger within your heart, not only accomplishes nothing, but turns people against you.

Though we all do it.  We must all walk softly on each other's hearts. If we don't do so, people like this doctor, this office, hence employees, and this officer, cause human beings to approach life with this attitude.  But we must not be easily offended, as each person's definition of offensiveness is left up to their own mind.  So we must learn enough about another person, as I just stated, to walk softly on their heart, but never walk around it.  The attitude of hatred and contempt, having no love, no responsibility for what they are doing.  Having none of this for any man.  Though we are not a result of our circumstance, we make this choice on our own, of our own accord.

So in ending, I put it simply: When we are in a profession to help others, the people in need, no matter what they do, no matter what you think of them, even if they have destroyed their own health, it is the helpers' responsibility to help fix and treat the problems with their health.  It is our responsibility as human beings to support those in need as I guarantee you this, there is not a person on this earth that lives their life in sickness unrighteously.  Sickness may change people in many ways.  In many negative ways.  Real sickness, untreated, suffering to the point of torture.  I have found, with myself, that hatred is one of these emotions that comes with being mistreated.  But hatred is a powerful emotion.  It drives a person to survive.  But hatred must not lie in our heart.  What must be in our heart and never contain for ourself is love.  But if we know that an action is in the category of evil, does it come down to hating the action? Yet still loving the person.  I do not believe that we can love evil.  Love is a gift to be given and accepted.  A person who lives their life doing evil should not be given this gift because it would never be accepted, and obviously would never be given back.  So as I am slightly remiss in stating this, and I know there are few who can understand it or relate; if I am to find purpose in how I've been wronged, I must do what every man does when they have an understanding about something that no one else could.  This is how we destroy hatred, anger, vindictiveness, and everything that is entailed in the destruction and unappreciation of human life.


So whether you live your life righteously or not, we must still strive for righteousness in our actions and words as we expect this from others.  We must appreciate the people who are there for us in our personal lives, but as multimedia has consumed this world, we must appreciate those in this aspect of our life, the friends that we acquire through sites like this one.  We must share the burden.

Words can change the world.  I have found that the negativity within words need no action to destroy the world.  But words with Positivity MUST need action to better the world. And in the case of what is happening to me and others, the one thing we must give is our time.  It is the most precious thing we have for we can never get it back. But when we give it, our moment of help can allow a person to live.

So I refer to a statement that I have spoken of repeatedly: Without selfishness, there is no need to be selfish, for we will always be getting what we need.  And I add this: Without humility, we will never serve the gift of responsibility.  And without responsibility, no man will attain the gift of humility.  For that's what it is.  But with all gifts, it is a choice to accept it.  As the gift of responsibility can only be handled with the humble hands of the responsible. Take Care and God Bless.

~Joshua Jet Vaughan~

Post Script: I am so fucking profound.  So I leave you with this, sensibility is derived from a sense of humor. Not a sense of doom-er.(I mean doom)  For those who do not know me, I threw out the Fbomb for a purpose.  A word that can be used for destruction to cause pain.  A noun. A verb. An adjective. Or I can use it as I have now to emphasize a point. Of course, a humorous example of arrogance not humility.  Are you in fear of your life now?  Point made. I believe enough said. Buhbye.

The Story of Jennifer part 1.5

Just as she was about to lose hope, she saw a small help wanted sign in a paper covered window of a shop.  She walked in and looked about. The store was all wood. The floors, the walls, the shelves, the counter.  There was nothing stocked.  She thought it was peculiar.  How can a shop run, if it doesn't sell anything?  She called out and nobody answered.  Just as she was about to turn around and leave, an elderly gentleman came out from the back room.

"Hello," she said, "I am here about a job. I saw your ad in the window."

"Yes," he said, "As you can see we are still unpacking, but how much experience do you have with electronics."

Jennifer's heart sank, "None I'm afraid, but I am a very fast learner, I received top marks in school an will work very hard."

"Well, I was hoping to find someone who knew a little bit about the business,"

"Please, sir," Jennifer interrupted, "I beg your pardon for my rudeness, but I need this job.  I have no other choice, and I have no money left. I will do anything for you, cleaning, selling, stocking, anything. I need this work sir, and what I lack in experience, I will make up for in willingness and eagerness to learn, and hard work."

The man was silent for a while, as each moment that passed Jennifer's heart sank deeper and deeper, but finally he smiled and said, "Well, young lady. I guess you sold me, now let's see if you can sell a television set."

Jennifer looked up, "I have the job?"

He says, "You have the job." and sticking his hand out to shake hers he says, "My name is Mr. Thompson, and the pay is $1.00 per hour plus 25% of any sales that you make.  I will need you to help me unload merchandise, stock the shelves, and once we open, I will need you to help me lure all of the young men and women into the store to buy and convince their families to buy.  Do you think you can do that?"

Nodding quickly, "Yes sir, I mean, Mr. Thompson, absolutely!  When can I start?"

He replied. "How about right now? I'll pay you at the end of each day, and we'll start at 9 am and work until 7pm.  You'll have an hour off in the afternoon for lunch."  It was around 5 pm, and Jennifer stayed and helped him to take plastic off of televisions, and begin to roll them out front on a huge cart that was three times her size.  She unpacked transistor radios, and put them on the shelves.  They had unloaded several crates when Mr. Thompson exclaimed, "My! Look at the time! It is 8pm. That's enough for the day. He went to the til that they had unpacked first, and opened it and pulled out $3.00.

He handed it to her, and thanking him, Jennifer agreed to come back before 9am the next morning.  As she turned to go home, she stopped for a moment to admire the work that they had done.  The once empty shelves, mostly filled, and the barren shop now looked like a store.  While there was much work left to be done, she was filled with a feeling of accomplishment.  And turned to walk home to tell Grace what had become of her.

The Story of Jennifer part 1

*names have been changed for protection*


It was 1955 when she left home. Jennifer was only 12 years old.  It wasn't that her parents were abusive, they were just absent.  She stole $300 and hopped a bus from her home in Kentucky to Las Vegas. Sin City.  She had dreams to be a singer.  Times were different.  Her ticket across the country cost her $35.  With her suitcase in hand and her few prized possessions in her purse, she boarded the bus and left.

It took almost a week to get to Vegas.  They made several stops along the way, and for the first couple of days the person sitting next to her would change several times.  But once they got past any urban areas, it was a straight trip there.  She had managed to end with the seat next to her empty, and propped her bags up against the window to use as a pillow and stretched out over the empty space.  She had her journal, a book, Anne of Green Gables, and her bible.  She read and prayed that she was making the right choice.  Everything about it felt right, she felt free.  But she was worried about how she would make do if there were an emergency.  Even though her parents traveled almost constantly for work, there was always a neighbor or family member that could be called if anything went awry.  Halfway across the country, it finally began to sink in what she had done.

When Jennifer got to Vegas, she immediately went to the payphone in the bus station and dialed information.  She asked for the number to the nearest women's home.  With luck it was only a couple miles away.  She shared a ride with an older couple she had spoken with briefly on the bus and their adult children, who had come to pick them up.  When she got out, she tried to pay them for their courtesy, but the elderly woman looked at her and said, "My dear, you will need it more than we do. God speed child."

Jennifer quickly got settled into a single room.  It was $10 per week for a small 8'x10' room with a single bed that squeaked and sunk, a sink, a small set of dressers, and a space to hang clothes.  Jennifer's $10 covered her room, meals, and laundry.  There was a shared bathroom at the end of the hall that only had hot water from 5 am until noon, and three meals a day were served in the kitchen.  The woman,Grace, who ran the house was kind, and accepted Jennifer's story about being 16 years old.  Grace took a special liking to Jennifer, and while she was strict with the other girls under the care of her home, gave Jennifer special privileges, such as an extra serving at dinner, or a sweet that Grace would leave tucked into her laundry.

Jennifer was introduced to worldly ways very quickly.  Several of the girls that lived in the women's hotel were prostitutes.  Constantly trying to convince Jennifer to join them.  She knew of prostitutes, but being so young, had no idea exactly what sex was.  She turned them down and away for months, and Grace would come at them like a rabid mother bear when she caught them trying to corrupt her surrogate daughter, but Jennifer's money was running out quickly.  She knew she had to find some work to provide for herself.

Jennifer walked the streets of Vegas, going into restaurant after shop, where ever there was a help wanted sign in the window, but so many of them wanted a girl with experience, and one with a few more years.  One clothing shop owner was so crass as to state that he wouldn't trust someone her age behind the cash register, she would probably steal from him. As her 13th birthday passed, and Grace had baked her a cake that had 17 candles on it, Jennifer prayed asking God what she was going to do. She did not want to become a lady of the night, she hadn't even had her first kiss yet, but with each passing day it seemed as though her options were quickly fading away.  Grace had reduced her rent to $5 per week in exchange for helping her with the girl's laundry, but it wasn't even to sustain her forever.  With each passing day, the prostitutes fell upon Jennifer's need like vultures on a carcass, mocking her insolvency and baiting her each day to join them in the night.

Jennifer was down to her last $5.  After that week, she would be out of money, and either be out on the streets, or be reduced to begging Grace, who had already been so kind, to be beyond generous and allow her to stay at the women's hotel gratis, however, Jennifer knew that not only would her pride not allow this, but however big Grace's heart, she could not afford to allow Jennifer to stay for free.


to be continued...

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If you have any ideas, if you would like to share, please feel free. If you would like to see posts of different nature on our page, please let us know as we embrace all aspects of life. From your hardships and tragedies, to your loves and joys. humor. Music. Movies. Plain and simple talk. We would love to hear what you have to say. Remember, everyone who sees this page is a part of it and will continue to be.  As our mission is to connect everyone. Everyone is special and important and of value. We can only do this together. So we will.

~GSET Team~

The Story of Phanice ~A Cry For Help

Names have been changed to protect the family.


Phanice came from a family of five.  Her parents are peasant farmers from Western Kenya and One of her brothers is the sole financial support of her whole family; her parents, her siblings, his own family as he is married.  Her husband, J, is the first born son in a family of seven, and he is also the only working man in his family as well.  He supports his parents, and siblings.

Phanice and J have three beautiful children together.  Two daughters, R and E, and a 10 month old son.  J is a primary school teacher.  The income for teachers in Kenya even is more meager than here in the United States.  It is not enough to support their family, especially having to support J's parents and siblings as well.  They own a small piece of land that they garden for their own use, and Phanice sells any extra to supplement their income.  Their eldest daughter R is in form 3 which is the equivalency of the 11th grade in the United States.  She is only 15 years old, advanced and very intelligent, kind and sweet. She is eager to learn and excells at it.  Their second daughter, E, is 12 years old and passed her primary exams with flying colors, but has not been able to join high school because their familie's small income is not enough to pay they school fees.  Something that we take for granted here in the United States, is a free education.  To even provide enough for food, clothes and medication for their middle child who has chronic illness has been a struggle and it has forced them to take out loans just to get by.  And now they can not afford to send their two intelligent and kind hearted daughters to school. It is about $984 USD per year for high school, and $884 USD for their daughter in primary school and this is for a public eduation.  Nothing compared to the average $10,000 per year for a private school tuition in the United States.  They are already in the middle of the term for school, and have missed so much of their lessons, that they would have to catch up very rapidly just to stay with their class.


Most people in Kenya do not finish a formal education.  The low salaries paid to workers and high school tuition fees makes it difficult to impossible to go to school.   Most of the people in Phanice's community live in poverty, fighting just to find access to clean water.  A lack of education, poor farming methods and poor roads causes an economic downfall, making it impossible for the people to ever get up, much less get ahead.  Local farmers are forced to sell their products at or below cost because of poor roads making it impossible to transport to a higher paying market.  Due to HIV/AIDS, poor health facilities and a high unemployment rate, there are many orphans left to survive on their own.  The weather in Kenya affects food production.  Their dry weather drives high fuel and power costs affecting all aspects of commerce, from manufacturing, raising prices in the market, corruption, tribalism and insecurity.  Land Title Deeds are hard to get and affects the borrowing capacity of families and businesses who can use the titles as collateral.
Kenyan laws make it difficult to find funding from other countries.  They have a bill waiting to be passed that limits foreign funding to 15% of their total annual budget.  They have local and national taxes that all residents have to pay.  Education is supposed to be paid by the government in Kenya, but broken promises and teacher strikes lead to the financial burden of tuition for many Kenyan students.  Teachers will often go on strike, they will reach a negotiation with the government, but the new agreement will not be honored past the first payment.  Their annual stipends in their schools are as low as $12 USD per student, not even enough to cover the cost of supplies for only the classroom, much less that of the students.  During long teacher's strikes often times the elder students will strive to teach the younger.  Teachers salaries are as low as $190 USD per month and does not include any medical coverage or any of the benefits that teachers are accustomed to here in the United States.

Phanice and her family have dreams.  She dreams of a better education for her children.  For them to have a college education, a brighter future and easier life.  She dreams of acquiring land to start a large scale commerical farm that will enable her to export her produce and employ her fellow Kenyans providing much needed economic growth to her area, to help her fellow Kenyans to prosper.  She dreams of having a successful business in cell phones and accessories, or possibly cosmetics.  Her husband is a teacher with a dream of starting his own school.  With a passion for the orphans who are left all alone, with no one to pay their school fees or to even provide a meal.  As the government pays teachers very little, he dreams of having his own school where he can help even the helpless to get in education and change the lives of the people in their community for a better future.


If you or anyone you know can assist Phanice's family, please share and contact Phanice via Twitter @phanice07

From the GSET Team~Joshua's Diagnoses

As of now we have been notified of Joshua's current diagnoses.  He has a cancerous brain tumor, Cushing's Disease, Addison's Disease, with two tumors on his adrenal glands, several tumors within his internal organs, one being cancerous on his hip that has metastasized.  All three layers of his stomach muscles are herniated/torn. Several torn muscles, ligaments and tendons, a multitude of bone spurs and calcium deposits. Several fractures in his hand, including a broken thumb.  Both carotid arteries are clogged. Sciatica. Embolisms throughout his entire body. Lyme's disease.  Compression in his spine that has fused several vertebrae together that has grown into a sharp peak in between his shoulder blades. Ulcerative colitis. Several discs and joints that are slipped and out of place.  Cerebral edema. An imbalance in the occipital fluid. Severe swelling and inflammation. A slightly torn urethra tube. Swollen glands. A slight tear in the lining of his heart. A hole in his esophagus. Electrolyte imbalance. Intractable Pain. Some of his blood work showing that his white blood cell count is over 120,000.  And his red cell is lower double digits. And several other minor problems, considering these other diagnoses. He has lived his life in health. Not drinking, never doing drugs. Occasionally enjoying a cigar, maybe even a cigarette. The doctors are astounded, not only that he is alive, but that he is functioning in any way at all. There's no explanation of why he has been stricken with these illnesses let alone alive; most men could not survive one. And he has been without treatment for over 99% of these for many years. And of course he is seriously malnourished and dehydrated.  Some of the damage in his body is so bad that it has twisted his muscles, ligaments, tendons and even his skin.  This man deserves healing and never to be sick again a day in his life.  We are all in shock that he has been doing his best to live his life when he should have been dead years ago.

We wanted to post this, not only for Joshua, but for the fact that people misunderstand that there are many who are living with struggles, hardships, disease, and they could be our neighbor. And people must be made aware of this.  In the year 2015, this should not be going on.  Many people get sick, but no one should have to suffer. No one should have to be as strong as Joshua is. To see these diagnoses on a piece of paper that was faxed over to our team from his wife, obviously was so much more detailed, None the less it is shocking. All anyone ever sees from Joshua is a smile or hears is encouragement, or feels love from him. We don't know what the meaning of this is.  But from our hearts, here at the GSET team, we must believe there is a purpose. We knew he was suffering, but had no idea, truly, how torturous this must be for him. And how he has any sanity left at all.  And, as told to us from his wife Anna Bella, they have no idea where to start, or what to do. Almost every surgery would have to be done at the same time.  They're all connected. It's just unbelievable and surreal.  We think it's time that people start reaching out to this man.  Though he may not speak of it, obviously he needs it, just as we all do.  Every person that is suffering, every person that feels alone, it is our responsibility to let them know that they are loved.  As Joshua always says, For we are our brother's keeper.  Let's start with Joshua and reach out to everyone and take care of each other in love.  We must help others so that this injustice does not happen. Because what this shows is that it doesn't matter how much money you have, your title, your race, that this can happen to anyone. How many people are suffering with just one of these things and are going untreated, for any reason.  Yet there is no reason, in the year 2015, for this to be happening. It's time that people start reaching out, for those who have taken an oath to help others, need to start doing their job. Every life is precious. Everyone deserves health.  But no matter if the disease is curable or not, everyone deserves proper treatment.  We all have the same needs. Whether you are starving physically, emotionally or spiritually, it's time to step up and do more.  for many, as it is for Joshua, this is life or death.  But there is no need for people to suffer and have no peace. As Joshua always says, The meaning of life is giving everyone's life meaning. A lot of people can look at this situation and other situations somewhat like this and it gives them a reason to not believe in God, but for the fact that Joshua is still alive and doing what he's doing, how can you not believe? And when you don't, you're depriving a person of their purpose. and that all things happen by chance in people's lives are meaningless, living and dying in vain.  We here at the GSET team don't understand any of this.  But we can not accept that this is all there is to be had.  We hope that God hears our prayers and heals this man.  If his dies, it would be of no consequence as it would turn more people away from the Lord, but being healed by the hand of God or him getting the surgeries and they are successful, , the story of this alone would change the world. Again, giving life meaning and purpose and most of all hope.

~GSET Team~

The Source of my Hope ~In the Words of Anna Bella Vaughan

While I was a child, I was constantly searching for answers. I went to church, I believed, sort of.  But I was lost.  I heard John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but shall live eternally.) and I heard Psalm 3:5 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.) but didn't understand them.  I got lost in the constant struggle of, "How can I trust in God, when the more I ask this, the more I'm not trusting in Him, and the vicious cycle keeps going."  I didn't truly understand faith.  I always felt that God was real, but I wasn't certain.  I spoke like a good Christian girl should, but I didn't listen to the discernment of the Spirit, and if I'm honest I still have difficulty.  I justified my faith instead of being convicted and standing for it.  

My favorite bible verse has always been 1 Peter 3:15.  It perfectly explains the answers I was searching for, and I feel as though it is one of the most disregarded verses of the bible.  Christians are constantly telling non-believers, and even fellow Christians that they are condemned for not having enough faith.  But 1 Peter 3:15 tells us "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect."

No one ever has an answer for the people who come to question God.  People give judgment instead of answers for their hope, because it isn't based upon faith, it is based upon the word of man instead of the Word of God.  Love is without reason, but you can not have love without reason.

I had no hope. I would quote 1 Peter 3:15 to people constantly, begging them give me a reason to hope.  The way I saw the world was bleak. I was alone. I had no one. I was barely scraping by.  I ate perhaps once a day at most, because I couldn't afford to eat more.  I had no one to help me financially or otherwise, and often I would give my last dollar to feed my Big Brothers/ Big Sisters Little Sister who came from a family of 7 children, so they had even less than I did. I was losing my faith a little more each day, though I felt there was a higher power, I had stopped listening for God, and stopped hoping that He would forgive me.

Then I met Joshua.





 The first conversation we had on the phone, when we first met, Joshua had called me.  I answered the phone and he had asked me whether or not he should call me Anna or Bella (because I went by Bella at the karaoke bar where we met. For more details please read here.)  I had told him to call me Anna.  I asked him if he preferred Josh or Joshua.  He said to me that usually it doesn't matter, but from the woman he loves, from the woman he is going to marry and spend the rest of his life with, the woman he wants to make love with and have a family with, he wants her to call him Joshua.  I have called him Joshua every day since.  My heart swelled, and I teared up a little for the first time I could remember, from joy. I said, Then I guess I'll call you Joshua.
   

       I was living with two roommates who were dealing drugs out of the home I was living in, but to me it was preferable to the verbal and physical abuse of moving back with my family that I had been raised in.  I was drowning.  I was spending more money than I was making, on my bills, on my Little Sister, on my friends.  I was always the one that people turned to for everything and would give up my last dollar, and even took out loans at times to help out someone else.  But I was so empty inside that I felt if I did enough good, perhaps that would fill the hole that was in my soul.  Any money I would spend on food, my room mates or their druggie friends would eat.

 From the moment we met Joshua took care of me, all my needs; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. He provided me with food.  He made sure I drank water and stayed hydrated.  He taught me how to take care of myself.  I had worn myself thin, and he showed me that I could do more if I took the time to take care of me also.  I was living off of Red Bull and coffee, up to 30 pots a day, yes pots not cups.  I would have up to 8 cups of coffee in my office at a time and I would empty them about twice an hour.  Occasionally I would eat at work if there was a nice cook that night, and we'd write it off as food cost, but mostly I ate nothing.  Joshua brought groceries to my house, but of course they would be gone by the time we went to eat them.  So he took me out to restaurants.  He brought me meals to my work.  Joshua made sure that I had food and ate it too.  He put clothes on my back.  I had two outfits and a weeks worth of underclothes before I met him and that was about it.  The rest were a mismatch of things that I had inherited from family as far back as the age of 10.  He taught me that things like food, drink, clothes are a need.  I had spent my life thinking that if I was still physically alive, then I didn't need it, but I was dying inside the whole time, spiritually, and physically my health was nothing before I met Joshua.  He helped provide for me so that I could take care of the people that were important to me.  I would spend so much of my money on other people, that my bills would falter.  Joshua would give me money to pay my bills, even paying my rent for me, and he would help me buy food and clothes for my Little Sister because it was important to me, so it was important to him.  He helped me take care of my friends.  I took pride in being the person that everyone came to fix their problems, and I took pride in the fact that Joshua and I had that in common.  He didn't want me to bear that financial and emotional burden alone any more.  But he knew how much I valued that, and helped me because of his love for me.

The situation at the house I lived at was getting worse.  24/7 there were parties going on.  There was a house right next door, and we jokingly called the two houses "the quad" because it was like a college campus where drinking and partying was the only choice.  But you couldn't sleep from the noise.  I had always blared my television, just to drown out the noise from the people screaming and laughing from downstairs.  Joshua would come to my home and stay the night with me, getting no sleep himself, but whenever he was there I could sleep peacefully because he made me feel so safe.  Joshua wanted to get me out of that house.   But he knew and was wise enough to wait until I was ready.  I wanted out.  I didn't like the party life.  I had lived there and partied with them because I thought that that was what was missing in my life.  I felt as though the part of me that is abnormal and disconnected from this life was because I wasn't genuinely interested in the things that someone my age is.  So I drank.  I tried drugs.  I was promiscuous.  But every day the gap in my soul grew larger and larger.  My every day was  filled with lies; and the darkness grew around me and I welcomed it.  I welcomed the coldness in my heart and soul.  Joshua kept me from drowning. Each time I would see him, see his smile or hear his voice, it was as though the darkness was kept at bay.





 The first time Joshua told me he loved me, we were lying in my bed facing each other. He held me close and said to me, "I know you will never love me as much as I love you, but I will love you enough for the both of us.  And maybe one day, if you can chisel some of the ice off of your heart, you will learn to love me."  I cried. I cried from joy and from sorrow that I couldn't reach in, like my novels, and have him feel what I was feeling.  That I was already in love with him, but too scared to tell him, because I was afraid that one day he wouldn't be there.

I asked him once, why are you doing this? Why are you taking care of me?  He told me because I love you, and I want you to be healthy and happy and joyful.  This is for our life, the life I want us to build together.  I need a partner by my side, you can't be my partner if you are hungry, if you are thirsty, if your heart or soul hurts.  Then he told me that two weeks before we met he had prayed.  Joshua had been abandoned by everyone in his life for three and a half years. At the time of his prayer for a wife, he had only been out and amongst people, rehabilitating his body for a couple months.  Most people get cabin fever if they have a cold for a few days, but he spent three and a half years, completely alone, with no one and nothing but sickness and God. He prayed to God and said he was ready. He was ready to be with the woman he would marry, he was ready for the love of his life.  The woman that he would have children with and build a life with.  He asked that she be a musician, so that he could play music with her.  It had been revealed to him years before that he would marry an Asian woman.  He asked God, please Lord, if it be your will.  Let her approach me.  I've been alone so long, I don't know if I can approach her.  And two weeks after he said this prayer he met me.  At the same time Joshua prayed for me, I had prayed as well.  I had hidden so far behind the facade I had built around me of who I was that I felt trapped and hopeless.  I prayed, as I never did at the time, just two words.  Save me.  The night I met Joshua, I had planned on killing myself.  After going through my routine of going out with the people I had surrounded myself with, I had planned to go home, take a bottle of aspirin and cut my wrists.  But that night I met Joshua.  And for the first time, I saw a life for myself.  One outside of the evil ways that I had lived.  One outside of the wickedness I have spent my life in trying anything just to find what Joshua has always given me.  Love.



 When he was led to offer to me to live with him, I jumped at it.  I wanted out of the life I was living.  I wanted him and the fairy tale life he was offering me (family, love, comfort, safety, peace, joy.)  And though I was afraid to take the gift he was giving me, I leaped. My roommates were not going to let me come back to get my possessions. So Joshua came with me.  They had even called the police.  Joshua actually made friends with two of them because they saw what was going on in the house, and he helped me to pack up my things and move them, the police even helped us.  My roommates were quickly trying to move the drugs out of the house and hide them, but we all saw. As there are a multitude of different pictures of Joshua throughout his time going up and down in size, building his bod from nothing, showing me that everything was possible. My Joshua, at 6'3.5", 270+lbs, with not an ounce of fat on him.  While being threatened by these few so called men, who could have easily used violence to settle this situation, used his words. Teaching me right then and there, no matter what, to not have fear, for it is not an option for him and to live my life in conviction and righteousness. Understanding what it meant to be a real man, as I thought I had known that from the people I had been around.  And as my Joshua would always tell me, as I looked at myself the same way they did, wanting to put on the illusion that I was a woman, not a girl.  That I was tough, and got in fights and that that was cool. My Joshua would always tell me that it's the conviction through the Spirit, and as I would degrade myself, Joshua would always call me a lady, and when I said, I'm not a lady, he said, oh you are definitely a lady.  He said that's what I prayed for and that's what I received.  And no matter how I tried to sabotage myself and our relationship, Joshua wouldn't let me.   Enduring the threats during the time of moving, from multiple people, we just went about our business and packed up my belongings.  And as we left, I was elated, full of joy, and finally at peace. I was finally safe. I felt as though I were a thousand pounds lighter and that anything was possible.  He was relieved to have me out of that lifestyle, and I was relieved to have that safe haven, where I could wake up to him every morning.

Often he would wake me up at 5:30am, say that he was going to the gym and he would like me to come.  I'd groan and say no, and he'd say, okay, well I'm going to jump in the shower and get ready, I think that you should join me.  By the time he was halfway through his shower I would be in there with him, and he would spit water in my face to wake me up and make me laugh.  He fights so hard for his life, but he fights so hard for me.  Everything I never let myself dream about, because I never thought it would be possible for me, he made come true.  When he told me everything would be alright, he didn't just say it, he would make sure it was.  When I fought with my family, he would hold me and comfort me and then talk to them and tell them that the way they were treating me wasn't right.  When I would hurt myself, he would ask me why? Why would you want to do yourself harm?  He would tell me I'm beautiful. He would tell me that no matter what you do, I know what you are doing. And in typical Joshua fashion, what some people may call arrogance, it is not it is conviction.  He would say playfully, you can't outsmart me, you will never be wiser than me, you can't play your games with me or manipulate me because I will not fall for them, and then he would follow that with because I see your heart.  But what you can do is just love me. And the point being, and it took me years to understand and appreciate, is that he wanted me to believe in myself. To accept who I was and who I am.  He wasn't trying to degrade me. He wanted me to fight for myself.  Also, it took me a little while to understand, but he said, "You don't need to impress me." As he would always say I'm not going to fall for these tricks because I already fell for you.  Telling me everyday that no one is infallible.  And that your flaws are just as important as your perfections.That I fell for them all. I love all of them or you wouldn't be you.  He would tell me that he knows me better than I know myself, and back it up.

There was one time when we were just talking and joking around.  We had seen a commercial on tv that involved mind reading, and I joked to him I'm thinking of a 6 digit number, can you read my mind? He had said write it down.  I couldn't find a piece of paper quick enough, so I grabbed a pen and wrote it on my hand.  And he said back 624,398.  I just gaped at him, because it was. He looked at me and said, What? I said how did you do that? He said Seriously?  I said yes!! and showed him my hand.  At first he played it off and said of course I knew, because we're connected.  But a few seconds later he was in shock because we truly were feeling the same thing, thinking the same thing, and truly connected. Then we both started cracking up in joy.

He taught me how to work out, to lift weights.  I was afraid of the myth that I would bulk up and end up looking like some kind of man/girl.  Joshua taught me how to lift correctly so that I would just lean down and build muscle, become stronger and healthier.  We would go buy groceries together, and make dinner together.  I would eat 6-7 times a day, more than I had in my life, and he would eat 10 times a day.  But I lost weight! I lost fat! I lost about 50lbs of fat and put on 25 lbs of muscle. My body was tight.  I felt good.  My clothes fit, he had to go buy me new clothes, again, and he taught me to take care of myself, bathing several times a day (when I had become too depressed to care before) and eating right.  He cut my hair for me.  And while I had been mostly a tomboy, my hair was the one thing I was always finicky about.  I had had two people ever cut my hair before, and hadn't trusted anyone else to, but I knew he would cut it exactly how I wanted it.  At that point he had been cutting hair for 20 years.  Guys, girls, from his sports teams.  But also, we were so connected, I didn't even have to tell him how I wanted it, I knew he already knew.  While I knew the basics of cooking, I didn't excel in much.  But he loved my spaghetti.  I would make a vat of it, and when I say  vat, I mean a vat.  He could eat 5lbs of spaghetti and 5lbs of meatballs in one sitting and still be hungry. Watching him eat was like watching a tv show, because I had no idea where he put it all. I used to tug on his leg and make an old joke I had heard my grandparents say while I was growing up. I'd say to him, where's your hollow leg? I know it's here somewhere.  And he would say I have three of them.  There's enough room for all this food plus some.  He would never make sexual innuendos before he met me, because our love made him feel free to be himself too.  But it was always meant to be with that one person, and it was me. It is us.




We would sit and watch Gilmore Girls.  It was my favorite show at the time. Though it was already off the air, I had four of the seasons on DVD.  At first he didn't want to watch it because he thought it was a girly show, and I didn't want him to watch it because I had stolen so many lines from it and claimed them as my own wit, but I got him hooked on it.  The first time one of my stolen lines came up, I was so embarrassed, but he told me, "That's okay.  Everybody has done it." Then he went out and bought me the three seasons that I didn't have.  We would watch the show over and over.  I had almost all of the lines memorized by then, but watching it with him was like watching it fresh.  For anyone not familiar with the show, they make pop culture references every other line, some of them very obscure, but Joshua knew them all.  He would teach me what each of them meant, what it was referring to, and why.  He introduced me to music that I hadn't heard before, even from the greats that I had heard of like Elton John, Michael Jackson, John Lee Hooker, Aerosmith, Tom Jones and John Cafferty.  He would play me rap from when he was in high school like O.P.P. by Naughty by Nature and Tricky by Run DMC.  Some songs that I had heard before, but many I hadn't.  He would joke that my parents should be ashamed of themselves for not culturing me properly, and that was what we would refer to it as. His culturing me.







 We would spend hours talking about God, and about faith.  He would interrupt our conversations often because he heard God speaking.  I envied him. I envied Him.  Joshua would say often that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit will always be first in his life, but I am first after them.  Childishly and foolishly I not only envied him of this relationship with God, but resented him for not wanting me to be first.  I told him so, I would throw in his face that I wanted to be first in his life.  And he would patiently say to me You are not arrogant Anna.  Think about what you are saying.  Do you believe you are greater than God?  It is my love of God, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit that allows me to love you unconditionally the way I do.  I said that I understood, but I didn't.  I have hurt him because of my lack of understanding in his closeness with God, and the longer he is sick and the worse he gets, the more ashamed I am for having ever had these wicked thoughts and feelings.  Joshua's relationship with God is more beautiful than the most beautiful poem, the most touching song, and the most inspirational painting.  It was a true relationship and I am blessed to have been a witness to it.  Joshua would always tell me, don't listen to a man because he stands behind a pulpit. Listen to the Spirit, because no man is greater than another.  Though being a Christian, Joshua would always state about the judgment that Christians would place on others.  And he summed it up very simply.  God created us all.  He knew us before we were born, down to every hair on our head. So who you are is who you were meant to be. There's no judgment to be placed.  People choose to listen to the Spirit or not to.  But none the less, we are all children of God, and all brothers and sisters. And still to this day I have never seen him place judgment on another person. He surely speaks his mind, but more importantly he speaks his heart.  While in remission, being so articulate, and I would compliment him on this, he would say it's not me. The Spirit is speaking through me. I'm serving a purpose greater than I. Though through the years of illness, I have seen changes in the way he speaks and thinks, of course with his physical being, but no matter how bad it gets, his love always shines brighter.


He convinced me to go to the chiropractor.  I had had back and shoulder pain since I was a young child, and it helped take it away.  One day we were at the chiropractor's office, talking to the receptionist about a movie we had just seen, but neither of us could remember the actor's name.  Joshua was irritated, but in a light funny way, that he couldn't remember, especially since he remembers everything.  He said it'll come to me.  We went home, got some food, and layed down as neither of us wanted to get thrown back out of alignment.  We fell asleep holding each other.  18 hours after we had left the chiropractor we were sleeping peacefully when I woke up to Joshua sitting straight up in bed and saying triumphantly, "Jason Sudeikis" and laying back down to go back to sleep.  I laughed so hard I cried.  That's all he said, and I knew exactly what he was talking about.  It made me laugh, because he remembered, it made me laugh because it was out of nowhere and a dead sleep that he remembered, but mostly I laughed from pure joy that we were so connected that that was all that needed to be said, and we understood each other. He's my best friend and the only true friend that I've ever had.  Others have come and gone, but looking back it was just a mutual using of each other for whatever reason.  I had never had a true friend in my life until him, and not only was he my best friend, but he is the best of friends.  When we officially got engaged, as he had asked me quite early on. He had said to me I need to ask you something. We shall be married. And gave me the ring off of his pinky finger and it was too big for my ring finger, so I wore it on my middle finger.  Stretching his hands from thumb to pinky his hands are 11" wide and he wears a size 13 ring.  Later,  we chose the rings that are now our wedding rings.  He had walked up to their elegant garden in the middle of the store and picked one of the flowers, I had said, What are you doing, and he said, That's what they're there for. He got down on one knee, gave me the flower and asked me to marry him.  Then he placed the ring we had just picked out on my finger.  We would talk about how we wanted our wedding to be.  We would talk about how we didn't want a cheesy slow song for our first dance, we wanted something fun, it's a wedding not a funeral.  One night we went to a casino.  We were playing video poker when You're my Best Friend by Queen came on the speakers and the music video was playing on all of the tvs in the place.  We knew that that was our song.


 He's stayed by my side patiently, though I've lied repeatedly about my past because I'm ashamed.  I wore my shame and still do, wrap it around myself.  To be honest, I hope that writing this and putting it out for the world to see will force me to take off my shawl of self misery and finally grow strong from it.  But I constantly try to make myself look better than I am, instead of just being myself, which Joshua has not only encouraged me to be, but at times begged me to be, not just for him but for myself and for God. He's always said, as long as your honest, I can accept anything, and proven it.  I've spent years blaming him for the horrific deeds I have done against him, I have bared false witness against him to his face, I have cheated, lied, stolen.  I've left him alone to die and justified it all with my  damaged heart and spirit. Unable to admit that I've made the mistakes that landed us here.  That made it so he's now so sick, that he may not live.  My fear of losing him in life created my own hell where now, I could lose him to death.

I've seen people turn their backs on my husband every day.  Making horrible comments, calling him every horrible name that exists, abandoning him in his times of need. Telling him he'd be better off dead.  And that's just his family.  Worst of all me.  I've told him that I didn't love him.  I've told him that I wanted to be with other people.  I've told him every horrible thing a woman can say to a man because I didn't want to look at myself and see the disgusting things that I've done.  I lived a bad life before Joshua came into it.  I constantly felt abandoned, and was left to my own devices most of life.  I had to work from the age of 12 to financially support myself, and was babysitting before that.  If I wanted clothes I bought them, summer camps? I worked hard and applied for scholarships. Money for a movie? I saved and saved and worked as many odd jobs as I could until I could pay to see it.   I had grown cold and bitter at a young age, conning and lying my way into making people believe I was something I wasn't.  It became second nature to me to lie, and just avoid feeling or thinking anything. I learned to hurt first to avoid being hurt  And when I met Joshua, he showed me that the righteous way to live was to love. And I realized that it was the same result.  You can't get hurt if you love first. But instead of subscribing to that right away, I began to resent him for having lived so righteously not wanting to admit that I could have chosen that path but didn't; and I wanted someone to blame for the guilt of the horrible things that I had done in my life, and I knew Joshua would never stop loving me no matter how awful I treated him, and took out my anger and hatred of myself on him.  And every lie I told him, he said, I know your lying, just tell me the truth and it's okay.  We all have flaws, and we all have a past.  When we realize that we will never reach perfection, then we can finally realize that we're perfect.  I'm disgusted with  the things I've said and done to him because he's never been anything but loving and kind towards me, and it angers and hurts me the way I've treated and hurt him; betrayed him and me, and the purity of our love with my lies and deceit in a desperate and foolish attempt to hide from myself.

As much as I've searched for hope my entire life, when I met Joshua, I saw a glimpse of it, in him.  But I blinded myself to what he was offering me for a long time.  I was scared to accept it because I was afraid of knowing hope, and having it taken away.  So I pushed.  I've done every horrible, evil, and wicked act that you can commit against a person, I have said every disgusting word  I have acted like a child throwing tantrums, and I have left him alone to die.  And all to the man that I love more dearly with all of my heart.

When we first met, we would have long talks about our life.  The abuse, the neglect, by our families and our friends.  And he always had such peace about it.  Never complaining, just telling me because since we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, he needed me to know and I needed to know as well.  The times he had been abandoned at the hospital.  How he was left to walk home from the hospital on several occasions.  How after his 40 day coma, his family said told him get over it, it's not a big deal. How they've laughed at his pain.  I've see the people in his life, especially his family, laugh at people's sufferings.  It gives me a chill up my neck of disgust, fear, and anger; and gratitude that a man this pure hearted, this good, this beautiful could come from a family and from friends who are this sick and twisted.  A man who has never lived his life in greed, but comes from a family to whom that is all that matters, money, title and power.  He chose to be who he is, who God created him to be. I regret having not made that same choice early in my life.   I've seen first hand the sick things that the previous women in his life were capable of. Women he's never had sex with claiming to be pregnant with his child.  A woman who tried to have him arrested for beating her; but the cops were smart enough while she stood there without a mark and Joshua was standing there bleeding after she had bit his thumb down to the bone, because he would rather be hurt himself than ever lay a hand on a woman. A woman who claimed to be pregnant with his child, while she was in actuality pregnant with her first cousin's child.  This same woman sending me a letter, after having not seen or heard Joshua for over ten years, warning me to stay away from him.  "He's mine and you don't know what you're messing with." written in crayon.

He never understood, because he lived his life in humility why.  And I would tell him, it's because you're the one that got away.

 When we met, I swore I would come in and be HIS knight in shining armour. I have shattered my own delusion of grandeur every day by hurting him more and more, and every day a piece of my soul has died.  Every time I hurt this wonderful man, the guilt builds and builds.  Knowing that not only have I cheated on him, but I have even told him that I never loved him, though no words ever spoken have ever been less true.  I've condemned him for everything under the sun, just to avoid the truth that I have put him through unthinkable horrors, greater than anything anyone else has ever put him through, because I couldn't deal with what I've done, constantly adding more to it, building and building, topping on topping, never just admitting that I fucked up.  I made so many mistakes that have devastated him, but still he stayed by my side.  I love him with my whole heart and soul, but it's my mind that gets in the way.  My mind that tells me that no matter how patient and loving, no matter how many times he has proven that he will love me no matter what, to run, fight, flee, and hurt him so I won't get hurt.  But all that ever happens is I reach a new, how the fuck could I do that to my Joshua, moment.  When I cheated on him I thought, he doesn't really love me.  If I do this it will force him to face it and stop telling me all this bullshit because how could he love someone as fucked up as me.  But he did.  And he stayed.  I'm still working through this myself, as I tell this story, some of these things are as recent as this morning.  I fight his love in stead of accepting it, because that would mean that I was wrong.  And I am.  I'm wrong for the things that I've done to him, when he's been nothing but patient and loving towards me.  I'm wrong for having cheated on him, to fill some need to be used and abused, two things he has never put me through.  I said previously that I had never had a boyfriend before and that's true.  No one had ever even asked.  I thought that the only way someone would want me is for sex. I didn't want to be wrong, I didn't want to believe him because then I couldn't feel sorry for myself.  I couldn't look at the disgusting way I had lived my life, lusting after people to fill some need to be needed no matter what it was for.  I didn't look at the pure gift that Joshua was laying down at my feet.  Forgiveness, not just from him for the things that I had done to him, but for myself.  I wanted to be happy and joyful, but at the same time I've wanted to stay miserable in a life of drama and lies because it was familiar and I knew how to handle it.  I don't know how to handle being a good person that someone, especially someone as pure hearted and loving as Joshua, could ever love.  Being loved didn't fit the cloak of self hatred that I had worn my entire life.  It doesn't allow me to feel sorry for myself and drown myself in the guilt of the things that I have done.  And I get angry at that, because sometimes, sometimes I just want to go off, be alone and let my misery overtake me.  But then, I think of Joshua.  I think of the dreams that I have for us.  For him to be healthy and for us to spend hours in the studio together without having to worry about his health.  For us to eat whatever we want to, to see him win a Grammy in person (I've seen the ones in our house), to see his movie released.

I love him for loving me. I love him for an infinite number of small things he does and says throughout every day.  As he grew sicker, I grew more and more selfish, angry and bitter at him for not being able to take care of everything little thing for me; all the ways I had chosen to be dependent on him instead of his partner, depended on him to think, feel and speak for me, because I felt I couldn't have voice, not that could live up to the love he has for me.  I didn't take his health seriously, and I didn't take our relationship seriously.  I flirted with other men. I convinced him he was crazy, and though his instincts have never been wrong, he never confronted me about it, he waited patiently, soothing me, and though he knew what I had done, because he knows human nature and me better than I know myself, he was always and constantly supportive and encouraging.  He would tell me that I could do anything.  My Joshua has never felt sorry for himself. He has never felt pity. He has went through a multitude of ups and downs, through illness, losing his hair multiple times, building his body back up. Always becoming weaker and sicker than the time before, yet he never fails. The truth of the matter is is that Joshua would occasionally mention in a very loving way that he had known the things that I had done.  He said, I don't care. I just need the truth from you.  And as I had given him a half truth several years ago, which I'm sure had devastated him, I had convinced myself and even spoken that you don't want to be with me anymore do you. Joshua said, no I just need a few minutes. Twenty minutes later he asked me to come into the bedroom where he was lying and thinking.  He lifted me up and laid me on the bed, told me he loved me and that it doesn't matter, you're with me now. As I cried, he held me while stroking my hair, lying face to face and still knowing that there was more to the story, we had fallen asleep together, showing me that I was always accepted by him.  My husband is most known as a very beautiful man. Even in his sickness, very well built. Very convicted. Very secure and confident, but no arrogance lies in his heart, it never has. Though I truly don't understand, still, the confusion that lies in his heart about many things, as he will spend hours talking with me, and all he ever wants is for me to talk to him.  We have had wonderful moments, but as his health declined I didn't know what to do. No one would help. And he is still baring with this.  To let you understand the strength in my husband, through many reasons one day I had left.  At one of his sickest times.  It had started to rain and sleet.  As I had convinced myself that Joshua would be healed if I took my life, that God would heal him, forgetting that God brought us together. I had found out later, though Joshua could barely walk, that he had forced himself up to go look for me, spending several hours.  As he could barely walk and could not find me, he had come back home and gotten on my mountain bike and then continued to look for me.  Spending seven to eight hours.  As he was riding back home, he was hit by a truck, breaking several of his ribs. It was a hit and run.  This was never told to me by Joshua. A lady who had always been a friend who has always been very kind to us had seen this from a far and had told me a couple days later. Finding strength where there was none to be found as he picked up the bike, dragging his body, walking another mile home.  I had came home about 15 hours later.  And Joshua was laying in the bed shaking.  The first thing I hear is Anna? Is that you? No anger. Just joy. I had been taking medication for seizures.  As I had been diagnosed as an epileptic at 3.  Part of my reaction in leaving was that I was having an allergic reaction to the medication.  I had tried to convince myself that if I just took this medication it would make everything better.  But as Joshua always says, medication is not meant to fix the problem, it is meant to assist you and help with the process. I had woken up on a hill after taking several pills. Screaming out what did I do? Honestly, part of it is my confusion as well. God had given us to each other. I was only 20, he was 34.  He would always say how wonderful I am for staying by his side, as he grew sicker and sicker.  I was so afraid he was going to die, I didn't understand why God would do that. I didn't understand that many times in life, as Joshua always says, what we need is patience and grace, what we need and want is not meant to come to us immediately. As he was longing for my touch and my love, I was longing for any touch. Not being able to differentiate.  I sit here and I think about what my Joshua has been through.  What I and others have put him through.  Spending years doing hurtful things, not understanding to fight for what you want and what you need. As I walked into the house I was freezing.  Joshua told me to come lay down and he could barely move, shaking profusely.  He had told me that he had looked for me. But not the pain that he had endured. I laid behind him and held on.  As I noticed he cringed as I laid my hand on his ribs. He said nothing.  All that followed was him telling me every beautiful thing, everything he felt about me.  He turned over to face me.  He brushed the hair out my face.  He had kissed me and made love to me. He looked into my eyes as I was crying.  He said nothing and he never looked away.  As I think of this and through my experiences, not only is there no better man than my husband, but there's no truer love.



I see my husband now.  As he gets up every day and fights with everything that he has, truly everything.  Each day, I've woken up thinking that I'm fighting hard, pushing through, making it through the day.  But then I think about the pain, the hurt in his heart, the sickness, the suffering and the loneliness that only comes when there is not a single person who can relate to you.  I suppose one of the few people that could relate to my courageous husband is Jesus.  Even Jesus said that we would do greater things than he.  I see the awful things that others have done to him.  I see the patience he has had with me.  I see the love and caring he has given me, saving my life; first offering me a haven away from the terrible people I had surrounded myself with that were putting my life and well being in danger. Then repeatedly as I tried to hurt myself and him.

From the age of 5, I was a cutter. I would cut, burn, maim my body to try to feel something.  I knew I wasn't feeling emotions properly, but I didn't know how to cope, and honestly didn't want to cope.  I would hide it under clothes, constantly wearing long sleeves, even in the summer, claiming cold, until I finally became cold constantly.  When I finally admitted to what I was doing, Joshua was heartbroken, but compassionate.  He held me and told me everything was going to be alright, and that he would always take care of me and love me.  He told me that even if I was hurt or broken, that he would love me enough for the both of us.  He would never leave me or turn me away.  He didn't want me to hurt myself, it's wrong.  He spoke to me of God.  We talked about how we are created for each other, because we have true love.  The love that we feel for each other in our heart means that if one of us hurts, so does the other. I didn't want to hurt Joshua.  Of course, I knew it was wrong, but I hadn't wanted to stop.  I didn't want to stop until him.  No man has ever loved a woman more than Joshua has loved me.  And no woman in the world has ever loved as I love him.  He has saved me.  Though I've fought him.  Though I've fought to destroy him because of my self loathing, he has done nothing but love me and save me over and over and over again.  No man deserves what he has been through.  Joshua does nothing but love, and I have spent my life a creature of deception, anger, hatred and destruction.  Joshua shows me each and every day that that isn't the way life has to be.  It is a choice. I choose good. I choose hope.  I choose Joshua.


I see people on television; especially this award show season, and though we've taken part in these events, that someone would describe picking out a dress as the most difficult decision one can ever have to make, while there are children dying of starvation.  While entire families are being slaughtered for no reason.  While people in the United States, the land of the free, in the year 2015 could be dying with no medical care because of ignorance of doctors. While my husband  was having trouble even walking, he had given his word to some of his old friends that he would go to the SAG awards. And though in pure agony, he had reminisced and as I saw, giving joy to so many people who had turned their back on him, but sitll showed them nothing but love and friendship.  Even finding a new friend on twitter, as we were trying to meet up with another Twitter friend who was at the show as well.  As we arrived to the after party, looking for our friend, due to epilepsy I had become very sick and had a seizure.  Though Joshua was in tremendous pain, he took care of me, took me to the hospital and showed me that no matter what we're going through we must find joy in everything. No matter what we do, it is a lesson.  It is a gift. We were watching the Oscars the other night, as we were supposed to be there but Joshua was undergoing chemo again, and there was an actoress giving an interview who said, "this film was the hardest thing I've ever hard to do in my life.  It required me to be vulnerable in order to do the film justice."  Johnny Depp said it best about being an actor, "I lie for a living."  And this is who we celebrate?  I'm not saying that there should be no actors, I love movies.  Letting your life revolve around acting and fashion, when there are people out there in such need, struggling just to get by, and not even doing that.  That there is a widowed mother of three out there being judged because she is on public assistance, that there is a grown man dying of cancer who is unable to get life saving surgeries because of the fear of doctors to take on a bleak case.

I am losing him, not because of the things I've done, but because of things I haven't done.  He loves me unconditionally through the hell that I have put him through, constantly saving me from mistakes that I've made, constantly loving me through the sick and twisted horrors that I have put him through.  Everyday I wake up and he is there, fighting for his life, and fighting for me, for us.  And everyday I have turned down his gift, crushed his spirit with my words, my lies and my actions, and for what? So I can continue feeling like the piece of shit that I am?  I'm losing him to death, and I haven't even cherished the life that we've had so far.  I want more. I want a chance to do it right.  To stop saying devastatingly hurtful lies so that I don't have to lay my soul down.  To stop fighting him and fight with him.  It was supposed to be me and him against the world, and I've always made it me against him, and he waited, beyond patiently, he still waits for me to just stop.  Be myself. Be honest. Be loyal. Be true to my heart and be true to our love.  I feel that it is right.  The peace in my heart when I'm with him.  The peace in my soul when I hold him.  I don't know how to begin to apologize for the abomination that is the way I've treated him, while he does nothing but love me.  He's been there for me in sorrow and joy.  He's been there for me no matter what. He's cleaned up the messes that I've made, not just for myself, but also for him and us.  He's been there for me when I tried to destroy us, talking me off the ledge and back into his arms.

So when I am asked for my reason to hope, I say my husband.  I say Joshua, the man who has saved my life hundreds of times.  I say Joshua, who, no matter what hells and horrors he is put through, always meets me and others with love, compassion and patience.  I say Joshua, my wonderful, beautifully spirited, astronomically talented, and eternally loving husband who has stayed by my side, saved my life, saved my soul while I put him through such depraved atrocities that even the writers of my beloved movies and books don't write about. Because when I see Joshua, when I hear him speak, hear him sing and play, when I see him take the time for everyone at the risk of his own life, when I see his love for me through unspeakable horror, and push himself to beat cancer five times, and push others to conquer and achieve their dreams, I see hope.  I see love.  I see God. I have realized so much. And though I have done damage myself, to myself and to Joshua, I am tired of seeing my husband be hurt. I am tired of not seeing him shine, the world needs to know this man.  His gifts and talents beyond any man.  The way he thinks, the way he talks the way he feels. Why no one will fight for him the way he fights for himself and everyone else, every second and every day of his life. Through my own selfishness, I have seen that of others and this is not a man that will die in vain. That will be remembered and recognized after his death.  After his music and movie.  After all his words, all his actions come to be, because now he is worth something in his death.  No.  I will not let that happen.  He will live.  He deserves everything. We deserve to have our life together in health.  And the world needs this man.  My husband.  My Joshua. He was put here for this and many reasons. and I believe he will change the world as no man ever has or ever could.  Jesus did this for us.  And many in between.  But he was given this heart to serve God's purpose. And when the day comes when everybody is longing to hear his next song or his next word. I want you to take this story, as there will be many others, as an example that when he is healed and he's out for the world to see, that it is not a gimmick, or a game.  It's just Joshua.

~Anna Bella Vaughan~