Intensity through Love and Passion- Music

While very ill and going through chemotherapy it had been years since I had picked up the guitar.  I was in the studio, warming up my fingers, I was weak, in intense pain, my brain was disconnected.  And even though my heart was dulled, I find myself needing to record.  While warming up, I was playing through one of my amps, which is a Peavey Windsor 100w Tube Head with a 4x12 speaker cab.  Using only a tube screamer pedal. (This amp has no effects, including reverb, so I love to warm up with it because of the challenge it is to get the sound that I am looking for.  The sound that I have found with other equipment.  It's like playing basketball and using an old bicycle rim for the basketball hoop.) My preferred amp is a 60w in 38w out Peavey Delta Blues with 1 15" speaker using several pedals.

My wife had recorded me on her smartphone.  I was using a 1970's reissue fat strat with a rosewood fretboard.  My strings were 12, 16, 19, 28, 38, 56.  Though my hands were cramping and usually the music flows through me without thinking, because of my health I was having trouble.  Eventually, this landed me in the hospital.  So to my former post that no man can play with the intensity or passion of my cousin Stevie for more than 30 seconds, a statement made by one particular musician, this is my response to him.






~Joshua Jet Vaughan~

Real Life Angel 0.5- Joshua's Insight

In my youth, there were many signs that I would have health issues to the degree that I have now, but were overlooked.  As far as parents/family are concerned, some of the problems that I had endured throughout my young years should have been noticed and acknowledged as they were quite abnormal.  But in these years, you assume these are natural occurring events.  We all have aches and pains and many of us deal with some type of health issue throughout our life.

Being an All American athlete in four sports, though basketball was my passion in my youth, when I went to college, ultimately football was the sport I chose to play. When deciding a major, while attending the University of Michigan, I decided on Medicine.  My minor was in theology.  By the time I was attending college, the emphasis of God and Christianity was sorely lacking in this field.  As I accepted Christ at the age of eight, I had had an understanding through the years of having a wonderful doctor, until he died when I was at the age of twenty two, of how faith and medicine go together.

I graduated very early from medical school.  Did my residency, and practiced medicine for two years. During this time I had received a calling.  That calling was and is music.  I also had seen the corruption in medicine and knowing that I would make a career out of music that financially would be quite beneficial, not only to myself but to others as well; I had realized that my degree, my understanding of medicine and through the financial means that I had attained through music, I would be able to help those in need moreso than I could ever do as a personal doctor.

As I have gotten quite ill and have been mistreated throughout the years medically, it has taken away many of my gifts and normal every day activity.  I have had several opportunities to sue for malpractice.  My heart has always detoured me from this course of action. I have always had so much faith, I have believed that God would take care of this. As I can not understand His way of doing things, for I am not God, I left this in His hands.  Throughout the years I have realized that the simple kinetic energy that builds from good words and actions snowball effects a hundred times more severely with bad words and actions.

When dealing with someone's health there comes a time where you reflect through the years and as  you look back you realize that there are many occasions where you needed to stand up.  And that yours and anyone else that is part of your life, is now dramatically affected by what I call passive behavior; which has taught me how to be convicted and assertive.  With my life being on the line and with having a wonderful wife, who as far as the world is concerned, is very young at the age of 26, I can not let what is happening to me stand any further.

As this is now not just about me, but about my family.  When people use their title to coerce, intimidate, or jeopardize a person's life, how long do we stand by and let this happen?  I have seen and been through horrible circumstances that no man should ever endure, but I believe could not endure.  As I try not to question, as most of my days are filled with horrible suffering, I become confused.  But yet, I fight with as much patience and grace as possible.

I have always lived my life honest.  Righteously.  I find it interesting that in many professions and specifically the medical profession, that malpractice to the degree of the possibility of someone losing their life is less important to the law than me leaving a message stating that you are all fucking sick, damn you, and I'm going to fucking sue.  Somehow, that has become more important as this doctor and their office have milked, playing the victim, more than I have ever experienced in my life.

I have seen throughout the years how title, money, clout, power, has allowed people to have a better quality of life.  But this is something I have not seen my entire life. As everyone's life is worth the same.  We are all human beings.  We are all valuable, not only to ourselves, but each other.  And our lives all contain the same value.  We all need the same things as everyone else does.  And health is the first.  I have learned so much in my life.  I have been given so much, as far as gifts, talents and opportunities.  I have never been able to apply this or use these opportunities to better myself or the world the way I could if I was healthy.

I have an incredible understanding of human nature.  We have all been given opportunities to better our lives and others, but do we do just that? As these opportunities are passed down from God to human hands, as people we give ourself the credit and acknowledge ourselves as the beneficiary of our own hard work.  But whether we look at it as a God given gift or done simply by ourselves there is always someone that had a part to play in our life's success.  But have we given the same in return? As time goes on I see less and less of this.  Every man deserves health.  Every man deserves help.  There is room for all of us to succeed. As we should take pride, not in ourselves for how we have helped another man, but in the opportunity we have given them to succeed themselves; hence Pay It Forward.

The contradiction that comes with me is that I have seen that money, clout, etc. may have no affect on how you are treated, yes even medically, in this world.  Though I am not shocked by what happens.  Everytime something like this does, I can not find the ability to understand it.  Ignorance is not a lack of understanding.  Ignorance is a lack of responsibility to do just this: to simply understand.

To elaborate, on the story that had been told on what happened recently with the doctor and the law, the officer who had called my home  based upon the message that I had left, and my wife's, that the doctor and his employees, had stated to the officer, were in fear for their lives.  But who should be in fear for their life?  Though my message was not threatening, other than the fact that I was going to sue, even if it were I give you this analogy: If a man is standing 100 feet from me holding a baseball bat and I threaten to harm him if he attacks me; is that a threat?  As opposed to the man who is swinging the bat and hitting me, is that a threat?  Or is that a specific action, as they are currently doing bodily harm to jeopardize my life?  So as this doctor's actions, as with all doctors, they will put a narrative (which by the way is illegal) in my medical records, not only hurting me directly from his lack of treatment, but furthering the harm by influencing the future actions of others as colleagues always stick together.  The way that people manipulate, con, and straight out lie is horrific.  Taking more time on a lie to cover their butts, than even giving the thought or having the heart to care about another human being's life.

Daily we walk by as we see this happening in our world.  And we stand by idly.  Many times the word evil is used.  Evil is often associated with television and movies. An example created in horror, derived from this media, as we all have the same conception of what evil entails. But when wrong behavior can cost another person their life, do you determine if this is ignorance derived from any basic human emotion, or do you determine that this is pure evil?

With that being said, I would like to state this.  For the last ten years the number one percentage of murderers and serial killers come from one profession: The medical profession, specifically doctors.  No I am not talking about medical malpractice.  There are two categories I am talking about.  Doctors who are so sick that they kill people while in their office or hospital overdosing them and using other means for their own pleasure to murder.  Also, in the category of murdering people outside of the office or hospital.

When talking with the officer who is a foolish man at best, and obviously had no idea who he was talking to, as his words were child-like, as even though I am very ill I still have never allowed myself to be bullied or intimidated.  This has never come through my sheer size and strength, especially when I was healthy, but through the gift of articulation throughout my words; which sometimes are followed by action.  In this situation I have found that people use bullying to validate their importance.  As something is missing in their life.  So they try to intimidate to make up for their unhappiness.  Their loneliness.  And the empty feeling that comes from having no morality or faith in anyone or anything, especially themselves.  I had told this so called officer of the law that the doctor and his employees had left several derogatory messages to me via phone/letters (which by the way makes their actions a federal offense), and as I had offered him proof, wanted nothing to do with it, as this was outside of his jurisdiction.  Yes, a contradiction within itself, asked me why would a doctor's office would do something like this or leave something like this.  My reply was as opposed to what or whom?  As I continued to state, just because they work in the medical field does not mean they are infallible and do not live in the same moral ambiguity as the rest of the world.  And because they take an oath, as the first statement in the Hippocratic oath is thou shalt not harm, when they do this, it is far more serious because of the oath than someone who is outside of the medical profession.

As far as this lowly would be officer, who is living his life passive aggressively, which does not go over on someone like me, he also had to take an oath.  And the first statement in his oath is to serve and protect.  Yet, I ask you whom is he serving and protecting?

We in life, do not get to choose who is more important, rather whose life is more important than anothers'. Most of us go through life judging.  And many years ago I learned something.  An epiphany or revelation I suppose.  We may have our opinion, but we must not place judgment.  Our opinion must be formed by gathering enough information, which usually comes through time and education, along with instinct and discernment, before we should come to a conclusion.

There's an old statement that is never used anymore.  People used to say simply before making a decision, so that it was not rash, to sleep on it.  No matter how much we know somebody, we will never be able to completely understand them, as the way they understand themselves.  Though we sure like to think otherwise and believe we know what is best for others. You may be fifty years old, and even your parents do this very thing.  But by doing so, people spend more time focusing on others and less on themselves.  They are contradicting themselves within their own words and actions. But life is about responsibility. We must hold ourselves in contempt, and take responsibility for our own actions.  Actions have always spoken louder than words.

 Somehow we have gotten to the point in life that if we wrong someone so badly and back them in a corner, that when they defend themselves, we consider them to be wrong.  We all live with instincts.  It is called discernment.  We all know the difference between right and wrong.  What I have seen in my life is that people have chosen to decide what is right and wrong based upon what is right and wrong for them and them alone.

We have the right to live our life accordingly.  But if our life choices negatively effect the lives of others, personally or from afar, to where their life could be altered so dramatically where they can lose their life, when will people find the humility to know that what they are doing is wrong? To change their ways and make it right?

Frankly, I have put how I feel about these types of incidences in a kind manner. I have learned that ranting, while having anger within your heart, not only accomplishes nothing, but turns people against you.

Though we all do it.  We must all walk softly on each other's hearts. If we don't do so, people like this doctor, this office, hence employees, and this officer, cause human beings to approach life with this attitude.  But we must not be easily offended, as each person's definition of offensiveness is left up to their own mind.  So we must learn enough about another person, as I just stated, to walk softly on their heart, but never walk around it.  The attitude of hatred and contempt, having no love, no responsibility for what they are doing.  Having none of this for any man.  Though we are not a result of our circumstance, we make this choice on our own, of our own accord.

So in ending, I put it simply: When we are in a profession to help others, the people in need, no matter what they do, no matter what you think of them, even if they have destroyed their own health, it is the helpers' responsibility to help fix and treat the problems with their health.  It is our responsibility as human beings to support those in need as I guarantee you this, there is not a person on this earth that lives their life in sickness unrighteously.  Sickness may change people in many ways.  In many negative ways.  Real sickness, untreated, suffering to the point of torture.  I have found, with myself, that hatred is one of these emotions that comes with being mistreated.  But hatred is a powerful emotion.  It drives a person to survive.  But hatred must not lie in our heart.  What must be in our heart and never contain for ourself is love.  But if we know that an action is in the category of evil, does it come down to hating the action? Yet still loving the person.  I do not believe that we can love evil.  Love is a gift to be given and accepted.  A person who lives their life doing evil should not be given this gift because it would never be accepted, and obviously would never be given back.  So as I am slightly remiss in stating this, and I know there are few who can understand it or relate; if I am to find purpose in how I've been wronged, I must do what every man does when they have an understanding about something that no one else could.  This is how we destroy hatred, anger, vindictiveness, and everything that is entailed in the destruction and unappreciation of human life.


So whether you live your life righteously or not, we must still strive for righteousness in our actions and words as we expect this from others.  We must appreciate the people who are there for us in our personal lives, but as multimedia has consumed this world, we must appreciate those in this aspect of our life, the friends that we acquire through sites like this one.  We must share the burden.

Words can change the world.  I have found that the negativity within words need no action to destroy the world.  But words with Positivity MUST need action to better the world. And in the case of what is happening to me and others, the one thing we must give is our time.  It is the most precious thing we have for we can never get it back. But when we give it, our moment of help can allow a person to live.

So I refer to a statement that I have spoken of repeatedly: Without selfishness, there is no need to be selfish, for we will always be getting what we need.  And I add this: Without humility, we will never serve the gift of responsibility.  And without responsibility, no man will attain the gift of humility.  For that's what it is.  But with all gifts, it is a choice to accept it.  As the gift of responsibility can only be handled with the humble hands of the responsible. Take Care and God Bless.

~Joshua Jet Vaughan~

Post Script: I am so fucking profound.  So I leave you with this, sensibility is derived from a sense of humor. Not a sense of doom-er.(I mean doom)  For those who do not know me, I threw out the Fbomb for a purpose.  A word that can be used for destruction to cause pain.  A noun. A verb. An adjective. Or I can use it as I have now to emphasize a point. Of course, a humorous example of arrogance not humility.  Are you in fear of your life now?  Point made. I believe enough said. Buhbye.

The Last Good Fight

Wipe away all the tears,

but you say that's all that you have.  

But it's gone on for so many years.

that you can't even remember how to laugh.

You hope that the time comes,

that your life is not just a half,

a half of belonging, of seeing,

where your flag is at half mast.

When the only thing you know,

is sorrow and pain.

Which all you ever did was grow,

amongst the degradation and shame.

As you look to the Lord,

with your love, with someone to blame

Your dignity still in store

but it can't stop the rain.

So you're held up and beat down

with no where to go.

With all the gifts bestowed upon you

yet, none of them you can show.

The fire inside of you

and an ounce of dignity intact

with all the faith that you have

you wonder who has your back.

Is it cliche to think

that the words of Truth are actually true?

Supposed to hold us together

yet there are so few.

That, understand what I'm saying,

or am I the only one?

that keeps on praying,

but the answer is none.

So you're held up and beat down

and all of your strength and grace

but on this planet created for man

there seems to be no place.

No peace, no home,

no tunnel of light

just a long wind-y road

and just blurriness of sight.

So I wind up asking

for this very last time

not what is owed or

what should be mine.

But rather what could I do

with my needs bestowed upon me

and my love for you

is all that people would see.

So lift me up

and pick me up off the ground

give me once, what I knew

along with the new man that I have found.

For the glory only goes so far

if there's no one to show.  

So please give me this

or just let me go.

So no more held up or beat down

for this is all I know

So for who you have created

please please let me show.

If peace and salvation

is not just at the end

how did I lose so much

that I cant call the father the father or even my friend

As I look at this world

and I am not proud

yet in sickness or health

I still praise your name loud

The many gifts that have been given

they were once before

you leave me with only one

and when will she be no more

So I say this to you

with all of my heart

give me back myself

and the world will see my heart.

I'll stand up and fight

and give the glory to thy name

for there's no honor in sickness

just my spirit in shame.

Like said before

the three men I admire most

the father, the son,

and the holy ghost

But the love I feel from those

I surely can not boast

So I'm still held up and beat down

with no where to go.

This confusion in my head

I hope, is not all that I will know.

so pick me up

and put your hand into mine

let me feel your grace and love

and leave all this behind.

I'm not the only one who deserves this

I'm sure others do too

but I can't think of any one else

who loves you more than I do.

by Joshua Jet Vaughan ~ For all those hurting

My Perfect Husband

From the moment I met Joshua, I knew he was the one. I felt it. The last man I would ever be with, and the only man I would ever love.  I had always had a hard time feeling my emotions the way they were supposed to be.  I felt abnormal my whole life, always thinking that one drug, one drink, one cut, one day would trigger in me something normal.  But Joshua. That's who triggered it.  Suddenly I was feeling completely; both good and bad. The overwhelming joy of this incredible man, a beautiful heart, a beautiful spirit, which alone I hadn't dared dream for, but then being completely gorgeous, ripped muscles and the most enchanting blues eyes that have ever existed, just made the whole package of Joshua almost too perfect.

I've seen my husband reach out to people, even while laying dying without proper medical treatment, and spend hours talking to someone; even a perfect stranger, and lift them up.  No matter what the circumstances, he always puts others before himself; which at times, when it puts his life at risk, even when he does so for me, frustrates me, but to ask him to be more selfish, to put his life before others, to see how important he is to the world and especially to me, to ask him to value him life above another person's life would be asking hi to betray himself and to not be the man I'm in love with.

Everyday I watch him fight.  Some days I get so lost in self pity of worry and terror of losing him I shutdown completely.  Slip back into not feeling because the thought of losing him hurts so badly that I can't handle it.  Without him I have nothing and am nothing.  And it's not meant to be self deprecating, but please understand: any warrior going to battle must have the proper gear, or as the bible says, fight the good fight with all the right weapons.  My armour is Joshua.  My strength is Joshua.  My fight, my horse, my shield, my sword, all him.  Life is a war.  It's a war of our own making between love and hate, and even though I know in my heart that love will triumph, I can not bear even the thought of facing the world without him.

Every beautiful thing I've seen in this world has only been so because of seeing it through him.  At 16 I went to Europe with my high school choir.  Our first stop was Venice, Italy.  And at the time I took things into my mind in an almost clinical, scientific manner.  Eat real Italian pizza. Check. Feed the birds at St. Mark's Basilica. Check.  But now when I think of Venice, I dream of going with Joshua.  Dream of seeing it through his eyes, with his arms holding me while we take a gondola ride, or sharing a tiramisu, watching the sunset over the Mediterranean or cursing and laughing at the map for showing us a bridge that wasn't there leaving us stuck w/ 20 feet of water separating us from our destination (as Venice is completely on water connected with a series of bridges.)

I used to use pictures to try to hang on to any positive memory I could, trying to squeeze any bit of hope out of a good thoughts, but Joshua in my life, in my heart makes me dream of the memories I want to make with him.

I have watched the strongest, biggest, most muscular and purest hearted man, the man I love disappear slowly.  He used to be able to eat almost 10lbs of spaghetti and meatballs in one sitting and still be hungry enough to eat all of the icing off my birthday cake (another story for another day.) to not being able to eat a couple saltines without collapsing.  And everyday he gets up to fight more.  And I don't understand how I've given up my entire life, how he finds the strength within himself.  I can't comprehend, but hope to some day.

I have so anger and despair in my heart and though I know its not righteous to let those things affect your love for others it does.  Joshua chose the purity he has in his heart.  We're all born with it.  As he often says, we're born to love, we learn to hate.  I can feel the sorrow for his suffering and an overwhelming remorse for every moment that I have caused his suffering to be worry because even if I had never betray him in thought word and deed, but every moment that I denied how serious his sickness has gotten because I couldn't face the possibility of losing him.  Joshua is my Superman.  My real life hero.  Nothing can bring him down.  There is no Kryptonite for my man.  My amazing husband who has given his life for others.  Who saved a pregnant woman and her friend from being raped and murdered by an intruder and went to jail for it.  Who has been turned away and left to die by every doctor out there, and has sacrificed his precious time and life to always give me what I need.

I see my husband in everything and everyone.  When I talk to people, I always imagine myself thinking about how Joshua would say it better.  I take the things that are normal in an everyday life and realize how much I take them for granted.  I've always had a love/hate relationship with washing dishes, but I don't believe anyone truly enjoys washing dishes; that that is their true passion and calling, but I think most people would never even give though to what would happen if you couldn't.  Physically could not do them, then how would you feel about them? Would you miss it?


To be continued...

The Story Of Joshua~ The Tragedy of Inhumanity

I remember my car accident.  Prior to this I had been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 21.  I was on an incredible amount of medication.  For anybody who knows just a small amount about medicine, I will give you just two of my medications used to control the pain I was dealing with, and this is not just from cancer, this is from a multitude of diagnoses.  And before I tell you, this is minute compared to what I have been on and what I've been through in my life especially what I am going through now, but that is another story for another day.  I took three two hundred milligram pills of MSContin daily, with 5 30mg breakthrough pills, taken when needed. And 5mg of Xanax.  Which again, pales in comparison to the kind of medicine, the amount, meaning the variety, and the dose/dosages that I had been on around the age of 30.

At 25 years old I had just got done touring the US.  Being funded by a major record label, I had every endorsement that there was.  I came home to visit my family for the Fourth of July.  I had a Suburban.  I was doing about 62 miles per hour.  At this time, I was 6'4", I weighed 275lbs, yet my waist was 33'' around.  As I had learned to push through as much pain as possible, as I believed these medications were temporary.  The opposing traffic, one car was coming at me, another car tried to pass, leaving me no where to go but off the road. As I give you a fact, the shoulder of the road, according to Federal and State law, from the edge of the pavement, must be a minimum of 8' to a maximum of 12' of gravel.  From there, any existing structure, such as a house or even a tree, must be an additional 15' away. This applies to residential areas.  As I tried to ride the shoulder, I could not because there was only 4' of gravel and then a 12' down tornado ditch causing me to hit a tree head on.  Though I was wearing my seat belt, it did nothing.  As I had hit with such force that my sternum had hit the center of the steering wheel and cracked it completely in half.  A shit hole hell mouth of a county I was in.  As the seatbelt had wrapped itself around the steering wheel, the door sprung open.  I was thrown from my vehicle 20'.  I remember looking up and seeing gas dripping as I tried to crawl.  A couple people had heard this as where I had gotten in my accident was close to a beach resort.  I remember asking the lady who was attending to me, "Did my teeth go through my lip?"  As she was crying she says, "Yes."  No I did not pass out.  I did not get knocked out.  As her husband had called the EMTs, as this was found out later for I had no idea what was going on at the time, just bits and pieces.  One of the EMTs as I was in the ambulance had asked me for my information; as I was starting to go into shock, I could not speak.  He had said, "We can not help you if we do not know who you are."  I had forced out the information he needed and then asked for something for my pain. As he told me he would give me.  He said, "Oh we don't give people medicine for pain unless a leg is wrapped around their head.  A couple weeks prior to this I had been taken off my medication through to the ignorance of this doctor I was taken off cold turkey.  Which is probably why I was not able to react as well as I normally would have.  This is what you call withdrawal.  For being on these and many other medications for two years, as I fought my second bought of cancer.  This is how long I had to fight for.  As I was taken into the hospital, they sewed up my lip.  Which there is no existing scar, so to their credit they did one thing right.  I asked the doctor to please give me some medicine for my pain.  He turned around and walked away.  As I stood up to go after him, I had fell to the floor from a broken hip.  He turned and looked and kept walking as I had to force myself back up on the table. I was then taken in a wheelchair to have one test. An X-ray of my head.  I had passed out on the Xray table, waking up to two lady nurses laughing.  I asked, "Did I pass out?" They smiled and said, "Yes."  I was taken into a room and left,

 As the speed limit was 55 I was doing 7 over.  I had a warrant put out for my arrest because of wreckless endangerment.  Yes, I almost went to jail at this time.  The county I was in, or rather where the hospital it was in, was not the county that the accident happened in.  Though this seemed to be used to intimidate me by the hospital, nothing had happened with the law as of this time.  I was treated with nothing but anger and contempt.  The last time I had been in this hospital was when I went into a coma for a month.  But that is another story for another time.Though I would love to share this, in the order that each of these occurrences had happened, I have already spent years in illness writing a screenplay, which yes, the movie that is coming out is about my life. It is hard for me to revisit.  When I was in remission at 34 when I met my wife, all of the pain inside my heart was gone. Though I was still struggling, where I was only about 35%, I was determined I was going to get to 100%, and I believed in my healing, as I always have, but I don't know about it anymore.  But as I have gotten extremely sick again, with no medical treatment again, this is very difficult to revisit.


Talking about suffering when you are suffering is almost impossible.  So back to the car accident.  Though I will not go into great detail, it is too exhausting.  It is too painful.  And of course, every detail of what had happened has already been written in a screenplay.  The hospital would not give me medicine because my existing doctor, oncologist/pain specialist said no.  Though at the time of my car accident, the hospital told me that she had dismissed me from her care, or as I would state lack there of.  Which of course is against the law and beyond inhumane.  As I could barely move, severely dehydrated, and yes, I was still battling cancer, I was not even given a sip of water.  I had never seen anybody, regarding the nurse and doctor, look at me with such judgment and hatred, though a lesser man would have died. I found the strength to reach over and use the phone.  Though I could not dial out.  The hospital I was taken to was not the hospital I would have chosen, but it was the closest one.  So simply, nobody was doing their job, they were just saving face..  I hit the nurse call button and she had to dial for me.  I asked my parents, to please come pick me up and take me to another hospital which was only 20 minutes away.  I was greeted with this, "Deal with it, be a man."  As I informed my parents of what was happening, I then got the explanation of why they wouldn't.  They had said, "Remember that time your father was in the hospital when you were on tour and you didn't come see him, (which by the way never happened.)  Since you did not come see him, we will not come see you."  Though my parents had an incredible amount of money and influence, especially with this hospital, giving an incredible amount of money through donations since they were a private hospital but it mattered none.  I managed to get 20 minutes of sleep if that's what you could call it.  As I woke, I had a young nurse come in and ask me if I wanted a sponge bath. I had said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Obviously I had seen that she was not aware of what was happening, I apologized and asked for something to drink.  I was brought back a glass of water, and the most horrible tasting coffee that has ever existed. As I sat up to drink the coffee, my body locked, at that moment the doctor had walked in.  Minutes later my father had walked in.  I asked the doctor please help me.  He said, "You are just fine, you just sat up."  Apparently that is the universal language in medicine that you are okay.  I had called the doctor a myriad of names.  Nothing happened.  It had taken four men and two ladies to lift me into a wheelchair as they dismissed me from the hospital.  As I was lifted into my father's truck, a few minutes on the way back to my parents' home where there were around 200 people camping, as well as me, in their back yard.  I sneezed, feeling as if I had broken every bone in my body.  My shoulder blades were touching the back of my head, specifically my occipital region finding out later that my spine had been compressed and crushed, causing me to lose over an inch of height, though because of other problems, specifically hormonal, my body was still growing.  Though I gained back some of my height, my spine was fused together, and over the years my vertebrae had grown to a point between my shoulder blades almost two inches that, obviously, if I had been taken care of, would have allowed me to grow taller and of course feel better, but instead it pushes on my muscles, my ligaments, my tendons, creating an extreme amount of pain.

As I must remind you, I had gotten my degree in medicine. I was a licensed anesthesiologist.  And had gotten my degree in only three years of schooling.  Not only through my own experiences, and how we all know our own body, I knew through education what was going on.  As I had called my doctor, once I went back to my parent's home she had told me that she had dismissed me and to take a couple Tylenol.  As I laid in a tent, as my family and so called friends, continued to party.  I was left for dead. For three weeks, as I could barely move, and I was hallucinating in the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I had not eaten or drank one sip of water.  And I had not slept a second.  Two days after my car accident, my mother came up to the tent and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I had begged for them to take me back up to the hospital.  They did not.  As I had a preexisting script for a non-narcotic drug called Ultram.  Though only 10 pills, 50 mg each, my father had asked me for them.  And then simply taken them.  Three weeks. To where I started throwing up blood.  Finally, I was taken into the hospital.  This is what was wrong.  My cancer had come back full force because of the dropping of my immune system.  I had a blood clot in my stomach.  I had cerebral edema (swelling of the brain.)  I had 18 broken bones.  7 dislocations, several slipped discs, severely dehydrated, malnurished, sleep deprived, I could go on, but there's really no point.  I was sent home with minimal treatment.  But it was enough to get me back on my feet.  As I finally made it into the chiropractor.  After that, the pain, though horrible, was not close to the fact that my body would not stop withdrawing, finding out later that I had several autoimmune disorders/diseases that did not allow my body to produce natural chemicals, such as testosterone, dopamine, endorphins, growth hormone, etc throughout the years my  body would shoot out massive doses of these things having massive growth spurts.  And I must say when you go through something, during the time you are fighting for your life, but when I started to get better through medical care, I realized I had no idea what was going on, and I chose fight.

~Joshua Jet Vaughan~

From the GSET Team~Joshua's Diagnoses

As of now we have been notified of Joshua's current diagnoses.  He has a cancerous brain tumor, Cushing's Disease, Addison's Disease, with two tumors on his adrenal glands, several tumors within his internal organs, one being cancerous on his hip that has metastasized.  All three layers of his stomach muscles are herniated/torn. Several torn muscles, ligaments and tendons, a multitude of bone spurs and calcium deposits. Several fractures in his hand, including a broken thumb.  Both carotid arteries are clogged. Sciatica. Embolisms throughout his entire body. Lyme's disease.  Compression in his spine that has fused several vertebrae together that has grown into a sharp peak in between his shoulder blades. Ulcerative colitis. Several discs and joints that are slipped and out of place.  Cerebral edema. An imbalance in the occipital fluid. Severe swelling and inflammation. A slightly torn urethra tube. Swollen glands. A slight tear in the lining of his heart. A hole in his esophagus. Electrolyte imbalance. Intractable Pain. Some of his blood work showing that his white blood cell count is over 120,000.  And his red cell is lower double digits. And several other minor problems, considering these other diagnoses. He has lived his life in health. Not drinking, never doing drugs. Occasionally enjoying a cigar, maybe even a cigarette. The doctors are astounded, not only that he is alive, but that he is functioning in any way at all. There's no explanation of why he has been stricken with these illnesses let alone alive; most men could not survive one. And he has been without treatment for over 99% of these for many years. And of course he is seriously malnourished and dehydrated.  Some of the damage in his body is so bad that it has twisted his muscles, ligaments, tendons and even his skin.  This man deserves healing and never to be sick again a day in his life.  We are all in shock that he has been doing his best to live his life when he should have been dead years ago.

We wanted to post this, not only for Joshua, but for the fact that people misunderstand that there are many who are living with struggles, hardships, disease, and they could be our neighbor. And people must be made aware of this.  In the year 2015, this should not be going on.  Many people get sick, but no one should have to suffer. No one should have to be as strong as Joshua is. To see these diagnoses on a piece of paper that was faxed over to our team from his wife, obviously was so much more detailed, None the less it is shocking. All anyone ever sees from Joshua is a smile or hears is encouragement, or feels love from him. We don't know what the meaning of this is.  But from our hearts, here at the GSET team, we must believe there is a purpose. We knew he was suffering, but had no idea, truly, how torturous this must be for him. And how he has any sanity left at all.  And, as told to us from his wife Anna Bella, they have no idea where to start, or what to do. Almost every surgery would have to be done at the same time.  They're all connected. It's just unbelievable and surreal.  We think it's time that people start reaching out to this man.  Though he may not speak of it, obviously he needs it, just as we all do.  Every person that is suffering, every person that feels alone, it is our responsibility to let them know that they are loved.  As Joshua always says, For we are our brother's keeper.  Let's start with Joshua and reach out to everyone and take care of each other in love.  We must help others so that this injustice does not happen. Because what this shows is that it doesn't matter how much money you have, your title, your race, that this can happen to anyone. How many people are suffering with just one of these things and are going untreated, for any reason.  Yet there is no reason, in the year 2015, for this to be happening. It's time that people start reaching out, for those who have taken an oath to help others, need to start doing their job. Every life is precious. Everyone deserves health.  But no matter if the disease is curable or not, everyone deserves proper treatment.  We all have the same needs. Whether you are starving physically, emotionally or spiritually, it's time to step up and do more.  for many, as it is for Joshua, this is life or death.  But there is no need for people to suffer and have no peace. As Joshua always says, The meaning of life is giving everyone's life meaning. A lot of people can look at this situation and other situations somewhat like this and it gives them a reason to not believe in God, but for the fact that Joshua is still alive and doing what he's doing, how can you not believe? And when you don't, you're depriving a person of their purpose. and that all things happen by chance in people's lives are meaningless, living and dying in vain.  We here at the GSET team don't understand any of this.  But we can not accept that this is all there is to be had.  We hope that God hears our prayers and heals this man.  If his dies, it would be of no consequence as it would turn more people away from the Lord, but being healed by the hand of God or him getting the surgeries and they are successful, , the story of this alone would change the world. Again, giving life meaning and purpose and most of all hope.

~GSET Team~

Joshua Jet Vaughan~ Stevie Ray Vaughan Style Fast/Slow Jam

My husband is a true musical phenom.  I've never seen or heard of anyone with the talent and gifts that he has, not just musically but in all things.  Everything he sets out to achieve he does, except when his health interferes.  The first time I had heard him play was one of our very first dates.  I was skeptical because, being a musician myself, I knew of how many people would say they are musicians, and could only play two chords, but the moment he began playing I was stunned. Awestruck doesn't begin to describe the amazement I felt at his skill and talent.  And he can play and sing anything.  It doesn't matter what genre, what song, what artist, he can play and sing with it.  He has the most amazing voice that I have ever encountered.  It sends chills down your spine, and flutters your heart, and makes your soul sing.  The rasp and the power that he has.  From the moment that he picked up the guitar he spent hours a day.

Original band, these were two guys that had played with all the greats.  They were studio players.  They had decided to play again, found Joshua, and sought him out. They taught him and allowed him to become the kind of person that they showed him.  They gave him a chance to grow, and to grow musically in a way that he may not have been able to on his own.  They supported him and encouraged him.  They inspired Joshua to become the type of man that they gave him the example to be.  The chance that they gave him, he in turn felt to pass along to others.  He would use his endorsements and connections to sponsor Battle of the Bands for kids.  He would call up and get memorabilia, watches, books, strings, and guitars.  GHS strings, one of Joshua's endorsers, who had supported and endorsed Joshua since he started playing at 21 years old.  Fender had donated guitars and a bass and overnighted it to them.  He had a passion for reaching out to kids, working with one band for 8-10 hours a day for two weeks helping them to prepare.  To learn. To grow, just like he had been given the chance.

All of the "artists" that are out there today are, frankly, crap.  No one has any soul anymore, it is all manufactured on a computer, there just isn't the passion for music that used to exist.  Even Miley Cyrus said, in  an interview on Conan O'Brien, that "there just will never be another Elvis Presley." But there is!  He's right here, and because of his health problems and his sickness stripping away opportunities for him, he hasn't had a chance to shine!

Joshua spent three and a half years in bed sick and suffering.  He wasn't able to play, he wasn't able to sing or write.  He wasn't able to eat or drink, and was completely alone.  He had God and he had his thoughts.  During this time he thought and prayed.  More time than anyone has ever spent in their life. 16 hours a day he would pray. Reflecting on his life, on the things he had seen, heard and done, and the people that he had known.  He thought about his music. What he couldn't do, he thought.  And what he couldn't learn through doing, he willed into being.  He wasn't even aware of this until he went into remission, and finally decided to go out to karaoke (the bar where we would later meet) He wasn't sure he could sing at all anymore, but when he did, he sang the way he had imagined, and that is what came out.  A whole new level.  His songs from his demo are from before then.  He never wanted them to be heard, but then knew that if he put them out there, and especially for a cause as great and needed as aid for the homeless, than people would see, when his debut album is finally released, that people grow and change, even the greats, and that hard work, perseverance and fight can achieve your goals and dreams.


Now once his album releases, I know everything will change.  My Joshua's voice and guitar and his music as a whole will change the world, the way his purpose has laid out for it to.  But it is so frustrating, not just to see him not celebrated and his talent not shared with the world, but with his worsening health problems, to see him struggle with his music and at times having not been able to play or sing at all.  It hurts him very badly, and he can't sing with his power and intensity because it causes him so much pain and singing.  It's angering to see him struggle and work so hard at simple tasks like setting up his guitar, when I would watch him for hours tinkering, when we first met, to get that perfect sound.

It was always one take.  One take and if it wasn't quite right, come back the next day, listen to it, and correct it in one take.  He never made mistakes.  His playing, his singing, his writing, all flawless.  Now when he plays he struggles.  It makes it difficult for him because his back locks up, his arms and his hands cramp, and the pain and the sickness start to overwhelm him.  He stops being able to feel his music and just let it flow, to having to think about what he is playing. It's part of what separates him from every other musician out there today.  The passion. The soul behind his music and his sound.  How the music just flows from his soul through his heart, down his arms and into his fingers.  And when he doesn't have that, he's always disappointed, because while it is still better than anything else out there, it's not him.  It's not Joshua.  He would get so sick that he would throw up, but he would get done, put it behind him and keep working.  That had happened for years, but he could go right back into.

For those who have had the blessing of hearing him play live, they would agree that no talent has ever existed like Joshua Jet Vaughan.  No one has ever had the power or rasp he has in his voice and no one has ever heard before the intensity and soul in his guitar or the heart in his lyrics.  Though there are many musicians in the past that possessed this, Joshua was born with it but has always had to struggle through extreme illness and adversity to develop it; with a passion for life itself.  His platform and forum was and is music.  Learning from the greats that do not exist today.  There are very few recordings of him, though he has paid his dues, done the hard work and played the gigs, toured the country.


The videos on the playlist below, two were from a demo that was never supposed to be released. He was going through chemo , and was in final negotiations for a record contract, after having gone over 70+ offers including Universal, Atlantic, and many others that are well known, deciding to go with Sony/Epic Records.  They had heard him play live, and one song had been all it took for them to make an offer.  But they needed a demo for legal purposes.  They had negotiated the signing bonus, how many albums would be involved, and Joshua insisted on owning his masters. The songs Red House and Come Together were from this roughly recorded demo.  He had gone in and played all the instruments himself, and added vocals.  He's always been disappointed in it, because he was so sick from the chemotherapy treatments that they do not do him, his skill, his talent, his guitar or his voice justice.

The SRV Fast/Slow Blues jam was recorded on my smartphone during a warm up/sound check during a recording session a few weeks ago.  He was just fiddling around trying to get his sound down, and I secretly recorded him and posted it on Youtube because he is so great.

The Drivin South Cover of SRV is of a concert we did back when we first met in 2009 that a tech had recorded.  We had just begun playing together, and Joshua had taught me the bass.  It was about two months of teaching, a week of rehearsals, before we landed this gig.  At the time Joshua was only about 35% better.  Though the guitar was a little harder because of the intensity that he would play with, it would cause him to become ill, playing very large strings.  Very thick and powerful sound. There still was an extreme struggle for Joshua because while the emotion and passion was flowing through his body, so was the pain and sickness. His mind still wasn't as sharp, and his fingers were not as articulate, so even though, still not being up to par, his sheer will and passion won out.We had no idea that this recording was even out there until Joshua's cousin/our drummer posted it on Youtube a few weeks ago.


I can not wait for my husband's album to come out. 90% of his upcoming debut album was recorded when he was in remission.  The album will be a 2 disc cd, with songs from his upcoming movie about his life that has already been green lit.  On one disc is the soundtrack and Joshua was to star in it before he got too sick again.  The other disc are mostly originals and a few covers of his true passion the blues.  For the world to see his talent, his skill, his passion, his soul, the intensity of his guitar, the power and rasp in his voice.  Everything from his inflections that he uses, to the words that he writes, to the melodies he sings, to the phrasing, the legato, the scat talk, the ringing of his high notes, the rumbling of his low notes, the soaring of his guitar.  Joshua believes that one great song can change the world, and I know when Joshua's album comes out, the world will never be the same.  With the struggles and the fight that he's been through and is going through, when the day comes that he is healed by God's hand, I will rejoice, and the whole world will rejoice with me.  My husband is too important and has too much to give, too much love to give for his life to have been in vain.  My Joshua believes to live your life in love.  Love is the way to righteousness and the right way to live.  Music is just one of many ways to change the world. For Joshua it's his way and God's way.



On a side note: My husband has always said that your words and your actions are only as good as the heart behind them. We all have the ability to make this world a better place. We all have our gifts.  In today's world, many people believe that they are not enough.  We must take pride and have dignity in what we do.  There are no little people.  There are no celebrities, everyone's life deserves to be celebrated. Everyone has something to say.  And everyone deserves to be heard. We must stand firmly on our platform and those who have a voice and a forum must help those who don't.  Whether you work construction or in a factory, or you're an actor or a musician, the lives you touch matter.  We're all just people. We don't live by title or fame or fortune, but we can use these gifts as a way to reach out.   From a person who just gives you a nod and a smile, that brightens and lifts up your day.  Joshua always says I am a fan of no man. I am not a respecter of man. To me it is their words that are followed by actions and it shows their heart. But we all live through the same spirit. Growing up in the world, in a family with fame and money, he had seen the destruction it can cause. Or the foundation that it can build. No matter who you are in this world, you don't get to where you are meant to be (where you want to be) by yourself.  Pointing out to me and others many times, stories of individuals that have made this world a better place. Recently he had been speaking of Nelson Mandela.  Or Rubin "Hurricane" Carter.  Each of them had went through sufferings.  Yet, without the people to support them, they never would have made it through.  Just a handful of people. To where they had been inspired so much to continue fighting for their own lives that when they finally had justice; it inspired them to fight for other people's lives. Jesus is our greatest example of this. He had his twelve disciples. It is never just us. One person's love. One person's sacrifice can change the world for the better for 7 billion.  All we need is grace and patience. We must not separate ourselves from each other. We must look at how we act.  We must understand that we can destroy lives or better them.  Sometimes just by one word. One look. One gesture. It is disconcerning to my husband as people live their life as right fighters, not righteous fighters.  Wanting to tear down instead of build up.  He has spent his life alone.  Always believing in himself no matter what. And no matter how hard he worked, no matter how much talent he was given by God, just a handful of people have helped him to push forward. As my husband has recently become more ill, something I feel that I should relay for him.  When speaking of his music that has just been posted, knowing that it is not a percent of what he is capable of.  He bears no shame with what he was going through at the time, and what he is going through, he did his best. He does not subscribe to the word try. He just does. That's what we all must do. We will fail, but the more times we fail, the more chances we have to succeed.  We must take that opportunity to learn and grow. We must hold on to each other and must take the time for each other. Encourage. The world has so much to offer us, but we have more to offer the world. We just must realize that we are not alone in it.  We must know who we are in Christ.  We must help others.  And accept them.  Allow them to grow at the rate that is meant for them.  Do not look through rose colored glasses.  Our strength and our grace is a gift, but we must work for it.  Striving for conviction and righteousness, and as Joshua often says, as we already all know this, this is derived from truth, and love. Because there is no greater truth than love. Embrace your flaws. So that you can be great.  But always remember that the person to the left and right of you, the person that's behind you or ahead of you are just as important. For the people to the right and left are walking along side of you.  The person behind you is striving to find their way, as you are leading, the person in front of you, you are following because they have made their way.  But it is never ending. Understanding that to lead you must follow and to follow you must lead.  And I feel that it is necessary to put one of my husband's humorous rants. Always stating that social media is such an opportunity to share and care. Though he embraces the world of celebrity for the opportunity it provides, not just for himself but for others, oh the things that we could do.  But often ranting about Twitter.  Having millions of followers and never reaching out to one of them, saying do these people not understand that without these followers, their support system, not their fans, their friends, they wouldn't be in the place that they are in today. If they don't buy your albums or movie tickets, you have no career.  When dealing with movies, there are so many people involved, but only a few get the credit.  It is no different than the man who makes your car. That takes pride in his work, that works 18 hours a day to keep you safe. And without that man, you'd be walking everywhere.  Joshua talks of music as an absolute, though many people have a part to play in it, you are your own writer, director, actor, manufacturer.  It is a gift that suits my husband perfectly.  Often ranting, and how I love his rants, about Youtube.  Youtube is a wonderful forum.  But it is lacking in platform.  Joshua grew up in a world that you had to work hard, you had to pay your dues.  You earned respect and you became accomplished by these means, but also by the relationships that you had built along the way.  To use Youtube to share.  An opportunity that many take for granted.  Screaming out look at me! As he would often say about the musician who would play in his garage hoping that an A&R rep would drive by and offer a record deal.  It's not the views that matter.  If you have something to say, it's the people that you touch. But it is great in many other ways.  It is a great form of entertainment.  It can lift us up.  Everybody wants to be a Rockstar.  How about just wanting to be yourself and when you are true to yourself the truth shines through to others. Everybody wants their every word and thought to be heard. On Twitter. On Facebook. Being able to comment to each other, but it's always so full of hate.  Never understanding the dislike button on Youtube. Hiding behind a thumbs down.  Saying don't dislike it, just don't watch it, and keep it to yourself.  A way of hiding behind yourself to hurt someone else.  Of course, being a musician he is mainly talking about music, He loves so much that he doesn't understand arrogance.  Watching one of his friends on a talk show who believes that he should be paid because without him face book  would not be where it is today.  Stating, no, without the 90+ million friends you have a face book, you would not be where you are today.  But as always full of joy for the success that each person reaches.  Knowing that their heart longs for the same things that every man, every woman and every living being longs for.  To use these social media tools , not for greatness, but to do something great with them for others.  To share and care. When I listen to my husband I understand his passion for music.  A song, a note, that can strike up and bring attention to every emotion we feel.  But hide them.  Which has brought back my passion for it.  As everyday he inspires me, as I am a classically trained pianist, always telling me I have the voice of an angel, saying it does not matter how good of a teacher I am, it's how good of a student you are.  Capable of learning the bass and playing a very complex song and a multitude of songs in a two month period.  The willingness to learn will give you the opportunity to teach. How he dreams of waiting for us to be healed as we have our band Joshua Jet Vaughan and the Voice of God, we have our duo Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  we have our record company GTRecords, how we fight and pray for the day that he is healed.  He has so many ideas and all he needs is his health to put them into action as he is always fully committed and convicted.  This is God's plan.  And when that day comes we will rejoice. As will the world. For on that day it will be changed for the better forever. Amen!

~Anna Bella Vaughan~

The Source of my Hope ~In the Words of Anna Bella Vaughan

While I was a child, I was constantly searching for answers. I went to church, I believed, sort of.  But I was lost.  I heard John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but shall live eternally.) and I heard Psalm 3:5 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.) but didn't understand them.  I got lost in the constant struggle of, "How can I trust in God, when the more I ask this, the more I'm not trusting in Him, and the vicious cycle keeps going."  I didn't truly understand faith.  I always felt that God was real, but I wasn't certain.  I spoke like a good Christian girl should, but I didn't listen to the discernment of the Spirit, and if I'm honest I still have difficulty.  I justified my faith instead of being convicted and standing for it.  

My favorite bible verse has always been 1 Peter 3:15.  It perfectly explains the answers I was searching for, and I feel as though it is one of the most disregarded verses of the bible.  Christians are constantly telling non-believers, and even fellow Christians that they are condemned for not having enough faith.  But 1 Peter 3:15 tells us "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect."

No one ever has an answer for the people who come to question God.  People give judgment instead of answers for their hope, because it isn't based upon faith, it is based upon the word of man instead of the Word of God.  Love is without reason, but you can not have love without reason.

I had no hope. I would quote 1 Peter 3:15 to people constantly, begging them give me a reason to hope.  The way I saw the world was bleak. I was alone. I had no one. I was barely scraping by.  I ate perhaps once a day at most, because I couldn't afford to eat more.  I had no one to help me financially or otherwise, and often I would give my last dollar to feed my Big Brothers/ Big Sisters Little Sister who came from a family of 7 children, so they had even less than I did. I was losing my faith a little more each day, though I felt there was a higher power, I had stopped listening for God, and stopped hoping that He would forgive me.

Then I met Joshua.





 The first conversation we had on the phone, when we first met, Joshua had called me.  I answered the phone and he had asked me whether or not he should call me Anna or Bella (because I went by Bella at the karaoke bar where we met. For more details please read here.)  I had told him to call me Anna.  I asked him if he preferred Josh or Joshua.  He said to me that usually it doesn't matter, but from the woman he loves, from the woman he is going to marry and spend the rest of his life with, the woman he wants to make love with and have a family with, he wants her to call him Joshua.  I have called him Joshua every day since.  My heart swelled, and I teared up a little for the first time I could remember, from joy. I said, Then I guess I'll call you Joshua.
   

       I was living with two roommates who were dealing drugs out of the home I was living in, but to me it was preferable to the verbal and physical abuse of moving back with my family that I had been raised in.  I was drowning.  I was spending more money than I was making, on my bills, on my Little Sister, on my friends.  I was always the one that people turned to for everything and would give up my last dollar, and even took out loans at times to help out someone else.  But I was so empty inside that I felt if I did enough good, perhaps that would fill the hole that was in my soul.  Any money I would spend on food, my room mates or their druggie friends would eat.

 From the moment we met Joshua took care of me, all my needs; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. He provided me with food.  He made sure I drank water and stayed hydrated.  He taught me how to take care of myself.  I had worn myself thin, and he showed me that I could do more if I took the time to take care of me also.  I was living off of Red Bull and coffee, up to 30 pots a day, yes pots not cups.  I would have up to 8 cups of coffee in my office at a time and I would empty them about twice an hour.  Occasionally I would eat at work if there was a nice cook that night, and we'd write it off as food cost, but mostly I ate nothing.  Joshua brought groceries to my house, but of course they would be gone by the time we went to eat them.  So he took me out to restaurants.  He brought me meals to my work.  Joshua made sure that I had food and ate it too.  He put clothes on my back.  I had two outfits and a weeks worth of underclothes before I met him and that was about it.  The rest were a mismatch of things that I had inherited from family as far back as the age of 10.  He taught me that things like food, drink, clothes are a need.  I had spent my life thinking that if I was still physically alive, then I didn't need it, but I was dying inside the whole time, spiritually, and physically my health was nothing before I met Joshua.  He helped provide for me so that I could take care of the people that were important to me.  I would spend so much of my money on other people, that my bills would falter.  Joshua would give me money to pay my bills, even paying my rent for me, and he would help me buy food and clothes for my Little Sister because it was important to me, so it was important to him.  He helped me take care of my friends.  I took pride in being the person that everyone came to fix their problems, and I took pride in the fact that Joshua and I had that in common.  He didn't want me to bear that financial and emotional burden alone any more.  But he knew how much I valued that, and helped me because of his love for me.

The situation at the house I lived at was getting worse.  24/7 there were parties going on.  There was a house right next door, and we jokingly called the two houses "the quad" because it was like a college campus where drinking and partying was the only choice.  But you couldn't sleep from the noise.  I had always blared my television, just to drown out the noise from the people screaming and laughing from downstairs.  Joshua would come to my home and stay the night with me, getting no sleep himself, but whenever he was there I could sleep peacefully because he made me feel so safe.  Joshua wanted to get me out of that house.   But he knew and was wise enough to wait until I was ready.  I wanted out.  I didn't like the party life.  I had lived there and partied with them because I thought that that was what was missing in my life.  I felt as though the part of me that is abnormal and disconnected from this life was because I wasn't genuinely interested in the things that someone my age is.  So I drank.  I tried drugs.  I was promiscuous.  But every day the gap in my soul grew larger and larger.  My every day was  filled with lies; and the darkness grew around me and I welcomed it.  I welcomed the coldness in my heart and soul.  Joshua kept me from drowning. Each time I would see him, see his smile or hear his voice, it was as though the darkness was kept at bay.





 The first time Joshua told me he loved me, we were lying in my bed facing each other. He held me close and said to me, "I know you will never love me as much as I love you, but I will love you enough for the both of us.  And maybe one day, if you can chisel some of the ice off of your heart, you will learn to love me."  I cried. I cried from joy and from sorrow that I couldn't reach in, like my novels, and have him feel what I was feeling.  That I was already in love with him, but too scared to tell him, because I was afraid that one day he wouldn't be there.

I asked him once, why are you doing this? Why are you taking care of me?  He told me because I love you, and I want you to be healthy and happy and joyful.  This is for our life, the life I want us to build together.  I need a partner by my side, you can't be my partner if you are hungry, if you are thirsty, if your heart or soul hurts.  Then he told me that two weeks before we met he had prayed.  Joshua had been abandoned by everyone in his life for three and a half years. At the time of his prayer for a wife, he had only been out and amongst people, rehabilitating his body for a couple months.  Most people get cabin fever if they have a cold for a few days, but he spent three and a half years, completely alone, with no one and nothing but sickness and God. He prayed to God and said he was ready. He was ready to be with the woman he would marry, he was ready for the love of his life.  The woman that he would have children with and build a life with.  He asked that she be a musician, so that he could play music with her.  It had been revealed to him years before that he would marry an Asian woman.  He asked God, please Lord, if it be your will.  Let her approach me.  I've been alone so long, I don't know if I can approach her.  And two weeks after he said this prayer he met me.  At the same time Joshua prayed for me, I had prayed as well.  I had hidden so far behind the facade I had built around me of who I was that I felt trapped and hopeless.  I prayed, as I never did at the time, just two words.  Save me.  The night I met Joshua, I had planned on killing myself.  After going through my routine of going out with the people I had surrounded myself with, I had planned to go home, take a bottle of aspirin and cut my wrists.  But that night I met Joshua.  And for the first time, I saw a life for myself.  One outside of the evil ways that I had lived.  One outside of the wickedness I have spent my life in trying anything just to find what Joshua has always given me.  Love.



 When he was led to offer to me to live with him, I jumped at it.  I wanted out of the life I was living.  I wanted him and the fairy tale life he was offering me (family, love, comfort, safety, peace, joy.)  And though I was afraid to take the gift he was giving me, I leaped. My roommates were not going to let me come back to get my possessions. So Joshua came with me.  They had even called the police.  Joshua actually made friends with two of them because they saw what was going on in the house, and he helped me to pack up my things and move them, the police even helped us.  My roommates were quickly trying to move the drugs out of the house and hide them, but we all saw. As there are a multitude of different pictures of Joshua throughout his time going up and down in size, building his bod from nothing, showing me that everything was possible. My Joshua, at 6'3.5", 270+lbs, with not an ounce of fat on him.  While being threatened by these few so called men, who could have easily used violence to settle this situation, used his words. Teaching me right then and there, no matter what, to not have fear, for it is not an option for him and to live my life in conviction and righteousness. Understanding what it meant to be a real man, as I thought I had known that from the people I had been around.  And as my Joshua would always tell me, as I looked at myself the same way they did, wanting to put on the illusion that I was a woman, not a girl.  That I was tough, and got in fights and that that was cool. My Joshua would always tell me that it's the conviction through the Spirit, and as I would degrade myself, Joshua would always call me a lady, and when I said, I'm not a lady, he said, oh you are definitely a lady.  He said that's what I prayed for and that's what I received.  And no matter how I tried to sabotage myself and our relationship, Joshua wouldn't let me.   Enduring the threats during the time of moving, from multiple people, we just went about our business and packed up my belongings.  And as we left, I was elated, full of joy, and finally at peace. I was finally safe. I felt as though I were a thousand pounds lighter and that anything was possible.  He was relieved to have me out of that lifestyle, and I was relieved to have that safe haven, where I could wake up to him every morning.

Often he would wake me up at 5:30am, say that he was going to the gym and he would like me to come.  I'd groan and say no, and he'd say, okay, well I'm going to jump in the shower and get ready, I think that you should join me.  By the time he was halfway through his shower I would be in there with him, and he would spit water in my face to wake me up and make me laugh.  He fights so hard for his life, but he fights so hard for me.  Everything I never let myself dream about, because I never thought it would be possible for me, he made come true.  When he told me everything would be alright, he didn't just say it, he would make sure it was.  When I fought with my family, he would hold me and comfort me and then talk to them and tell them that the way they were treating me wasn't right.  When I would hurt myself, he would ask me why? Why would you want to do yourself harm?  He would tell me I'm beautiful. He would tell me that no matter what you do, I know what you are doing. And in typical Joshua fashion, what some people may call arrogance, it is not it is conviction.  He would say playfully, you can't outsmart me, you will never be wiser than me, you can't play your games with me or manipulate me because I will not fall for them, and then he would follow that with because I see your heart.  But what you can do is just love me. And the point being, and it took me years to understand and appreciate, is that he wanted me to believe in myself. To accept who I was and who I am.  He wasn't trying to degrade me. He wanted me to fight for myself.  Also, it took me a little while to understand, but he said, "You don't need to impress me." As he would always say I'm not going to fall for these tricks because I already fell for you.  Telling me everyday that no one is infallible.  And that your flaws are just as important as your perfections.That I fell for them all. I love all of them or you wouldn't be you.  He would tell me that he knows me better than I know myself, and back it up.

There was one time when we were just talking and joking around.  We had seen a commercial on tv that involved mind reading, and I joked to him I'm thinking of a 6 digit number, can you read my mind? He had said write it down.  I couldn't find a piece of paper quick enough, so I grabbed a pen and wrote it on my hand.  And he said back 624,398.  I just gaped at him, because it was. He looked at me and said, What? I said how did you do that? He said Seriously?  I said yes!! and showed him my hand.  At first he played it off and said of course I knew, because we're connected.  But a few seconds later he was in shock because we truly were feeling the same thing, thinking the same thing, and truly connected. Then we both started cracking up in joy.

He taught me how to work out, to lift weights.  I was afraid of the myth that I would bulk up and end up looking like some kind of man/girl.  Joshua taught me how to lift correctly so that I would just lean down and build muscle, become stronger and healthier.  We would go buy groceries together, and make dinner together.  I would eat 6-7 times a day, more than I had in my life, and he would eat 10 times a day.  But I lost weight! I lost fat! I lost about 50lbs of fat and put on 25 lbs of muscle. My body was tight.  I felt good.  My clothes fit, he had to go buy me new clothes, again, and he taught me to take care of myself, bathing several times a day (when I had become too depressed to care before) and eating right.  He cut my hair for me.  And while I had been mostly a tomboy, my hair was the one thing I was always finicky about.  I had had two people ever cut my hair before, and hadn't trusted anyone else to, but I knew he would cut it exactly how I wanted it.  At that point he had been cutting hair for 20 years.  Guys, girls, from his sports teams.  But also, we were so connected, I didn't even have to tell him how I wanted it, I knew he already knew.  While I knew the basics of cooking, I didn't excel in much.  But he loved my spaghetti.  I would make a vat of it, and when I say  vat, I mean a vat.  He could eat 5lbs of spaghetti and 5lbs of meatballs in one sitting and still be hungry. Watching him eat was like watching a tv show, because I had no idea where he put it all. I used to tug on his leg and make an old joke I had heard my grandparents say while I was growing up. I'd say to him, where's your hollow leg? I know it's here somewhere.  And he would say I have three of them.  There's enough room for all this food plus some.  He would never make sexual innuendos before he met me, because our love made him feel free to be himself too.  But it was always meant to be with that one person, and it was me. It is us.




We would sit and watch Gilmore Girls.  It was my favorite show at the time. Though it was already off the air, I had four of the seasons on DVD.  At first he didn't want to watch it because he thought it was a girly show, and I didn't want him to watch it because I had stolen so many lines from it and claimed them as my own wit, but I got him hooked on it.  The first time one of my stolen lines came up, I was so embarrassed, but he told me, "That's okay.  Everybody has done it." Then he went out and bought me the three seasons that I didn't have.  We would watch the show over and over.  I had almost all of the lines memorized by then, but watching it with him was like watching it fresh.  For anyone not familiar with the show, they make pop culture references every other line, some of them very obscure, but Joshua knew them all.  He would teach me what each of them meant, what it was referring to, and why.  He introduced me to music that I hadn't heard before, even from the greats that I had heard of like Elton John, Michael Jackson, John Lee Hooker, Aerosmith, Tom Jones and John Cafferty.  He would play me rap from when he was in high school like O.P.P. by Naughty by Nature and Tricky by Run DMC.  Some songs that I had heard before, but many I hadn't.  He would joke that my parents should be ashamed of themselves for not culturing me properly, and that was what we would refer to it as. His culturing me.







 We would spend hours talking about God, and about faith.  He would interrupt our conversations often because he heard God speaking.  I envied him. I envied Him.  Joshua would say often that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit will always be first in his life, but I am first after them.  Childishly and foolishly I not only envied him of this relationship with God, but resented him for not wanting me to be first.  I told him so, I would throw in his face that I wanted to be first in his life.  And he would patiently say to me You are not arrogant Anna.  Think about what you are saying.  Do you believe you are greater than God?  It is my love of God, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit that allows me to love you unconditionally the way I do.  I said that I understood, but I didn't.  I have hurt him because of my lack of understanding in his closeness with God, and the longer he is sick and the worse he gets, the more ashamed I am for having ever had these wicked thoughts and feelings.  Joshua's relationship with God is more beautiful than the most beautiful poem, the most touching song, and the most inspirational painting.  It was a true relationship and I am blessed to have been a witness to it.  Joshua would always tell me, don't listen to a man because he stands behind a pulpit. Listen to the Spirit, because no man is greater than another.  Though being a Christian, Joshua would always state about the judgment that Christians would place on others.  And he summed it up very simply.  God created us all.  He knew us before we were born, down to every hair on our head. So who you are is who you were meant to be. There's no judgment to be placed.  People choose to listen to the Spirit or not to.  But none the less, we are all children of God, and all brothers and sisters. And still to this day I have never seen him place judgment on another person. He surely speaks his mind, but more importantly he speaks his heart.  While in remission, being so articulate, and I would compliment him on this, he would say it's not me. The Spirit is speaking through me. I'm serving a purpose greater than I. Though through the years of illness, I have seen changes in the way he speaks and thinks, of course with his physical being, but no matter how bad it gets, his love always shines brighter.


He convinced me to go to the chiropractor.  I had had back and shoulder pain since I was a young child, and it helped take it away.  One day we were at the chiropractor's office, talking to the receptionist about a movie we had just seen, but neither of us could remember the actor's name.  Joshua was irritated, but in a light funny way, that he couldn't remember, especially since he remembers everything.  He said it'll come to me.  We went home, got some food, and layed down as neither of us wanted to get thrown back out of alignment.  We fell asleep holding each other.  18 hours after we had left the chiropractor we were sleeping peacefully when I woke up to Joshua sitting straight up in bed and saying triumphantly, "Jason Sudeikis" and laying back down to go back to sleep.  I laughed so hard I cried.  That's all he said, and I knew exactly what he was talking about.  It made me laugh, because he remembered, it made me laugh because it was out of nowhere and a dead sleep that he remembered, but mostly I laughed from pure joy that we were so connected that that was all that needed to be said, and we understood each other. He's my best friend and the only true friend that I've ever had.  Others have come and gone, but looking back it was just a mutual using of each other for whatever reason.  I had never had a true friend in my life until him, and not only was he my best friend, but he is the best of friends.  When we officially got engaged, as he had asked me quite early on. He had said to me I need to ask you something. We shall be married. And gave me the ring off of his pinky finger and it was too big for my ring finger, so I wore it on my middle finger.  Stretching his hands from thumb to pinky his hands are 11" wide and he wears a size 13 ring.  Later,  we chose the rings that are now our wedding rings.  He had walked up to their elegant garden in the middle of the store and picked one of the flowers, I had said, What are you doing, and he said, That's what they're there for. He got down on one knee, gave me the flower and asked me to marry him.  Then he placed the ring we had just picked out on my finger.  We would talk about how we wanted our wedding to be.  We would talk about how we didn't want a cheesy slow song for our first dance, we wanted something fun, it's a wedding not a funeral.  One night we went to a casino.  We were playing video poker when You're my Best Friend by Queen came on the speakers and the music video was playing on all of the tvs in the place.  We knew that that was our song.


 He's stayed by my side patiently, though I've lied repeatedly about my past because I'm ashamed.  I wore my shame and still do, wrap it around myself.  To be honest, I hope that writing this and putting it out for the world to see will force me to take off my shawl of self misery and finally grow strong from it.  But I constantly try to make myself look better than I am, instead of just being myself, which Joshua has not only encouraged me to be, but at times begged me to be, not just for him but for myself and for God. He's always said, as long as your honest, I can accept anything, and proven it.  I've spent years blaming him for the horrific deeds I have done against him, I have bared false witness against him to his face, I have cheated, lied, stolen.  I've left him alone to die and justified it all with my  damaged heart and spirit. Unable to admit that I've made the mistakes that landed us here.  That made it so he's now so sick, that he may not live.  My fear of losing him in life created my own hell where now, I could lose him to death.

I've seen people turn their backs on my husband every day.  Making horrible comments, calling him every horrible name that exists, abandoning him in his times of need. Telling him he'd be better off dead.  And that's just his family.  Worst of all me.  I've told him that I didn't love him.  I've told him that I wanted to be with other people.  I've told him every horrible thing a woman can say to a man because I didn't want to look at myself and see the disgusting things that I've done.  I lived a bad life before Joshua came into it.  I constantly felt abandoned, and was left to my own devices most of life.  I had to work from the age of 12 to financially support myself, and was babysitting before that.  If I wanted clothes I bought them, summer camps? I worked hard and applied for scholarships. Money for a movie? I saved and saved and worked as many odd jobs as I could until I could pay to see it.   I had grown cold and bitter at a young age, conning and lying my way into making people believe I was something I wasn't.  It became second nature to me to lie, and just avoid feeling or thinking anything. I learned to hurt first to avoid being hurt  And when I met Joshua, he showed me that the righteous way to live was to love. And I realized that it was the same result.  You can't get hurt if you love first. But instead of subscribing to that right away, I began to resent him for having lived so righteously not wanting to admit that I could have chosen that path but didn't; and I wanted someone to blame for the guilt of the horrible things that I had done in my life, and I knew Joshua would never stop loving me no matter how awful I treated him, and took out my anger and hatred of myself on him.  And every lie I told him, he said, I know your lying, just tell me the truth and it's okay.  We all have flaws, and we all have a past.  When we realize that we will never reach perfection, then we can finally realize that we're perfect.  I'm disgusted with  the things I've said and done to him because he's never been anything but loving and kind towards me, and it angers and hurts me the way I've treated and hurt him; betrayed him and me, and the purity of our love with my lies and deceit in a desperate and foolish attempt to hide from myself.

As much as I've searched for hope my entire life, when I met Joshua, I saw a glimpse of it, in him.  But I blinded myself to what he was offering me for a long time.  I was scared to accept it because I was afraid of knowing hope, and having it taken away.  So I pushed.  I've done every horrible, evil, and wicked act that you can commit against a person, I have said every disgusting word  I have acted like a child throwing tantrums, and I have left him alone to die.  And all to the man that I love more dearly with all of my heart.

When we first met, we would have long talks about our life.  The abuse, the neglect, by our families and our friends.  And he always had such peace about it.  Never complaining, just telling me because since we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, he needed me to know and I needed to know as well.  The times he had been abandoned at the hospital.  How he was left to walk home from the hospital on several occasions.  How after his 40 day coma, his family said told him get over it, it's not a big deal. How they've laughed at his pain.  I've see the people in his life, especially his family, laugh at people's sufferings.  It gives me a chill up my neck of disgust, fear, and anger; and gratitude that a man this pure hearted, this good, this beautiful could come from a family and from friends who are this sick and twisted.  A man who has never lived his life in greed, but comes from a family to whom that is all that matters, money, title and power.  He chose to be who he is, who God created him to be. I regret having not made that same choice early in my life.   I've seen first hand the sick things that the previous women in his life were capable of. Women he's never had sex with claiming to be pregnant with his child.  A woman who tried to have him arrested for beating her; but the cops were smart enough while she stood there without a mark and Joshua was standing there bleeding after she had bit his thumb down to the bone, because he would rather be hurt himself than ever lay a hand on a woman. A woman who claimed to be pregnant with his child, while she was in actuality pregnant with her first cousin's child.  This same woman sending me a letter, after having not seen or heard Joshua for over ten years, warning me to stay away from him.  "He's mine and you don't know what you're messing with." written in crayon.

He never understood, because he lived his life in humility why.  And I would tell him, it's because you're the one that got away.

 When we met, I swore I would come in and be HIS knight in shining armour. I have shattered my own delusion of grandeur every day by hurting him more and more, and every day a piece of my soul has died.  Every time I hurt this wonderful man, the guilt builds and builds.  Knowing that not only have I cheated on him, but I have even told him that I never loved him, though no words ever spoken have ever been less true.  I've condemned him for everything under the sun, just to avoid the truth that I have put him through unthinkable horrors, greater than anything anyone else has ever put him through, because I couldn't deal with what I've done, constantly adding more to it, building and building, topping on topping, never just admitting that I fucked up.  I made so many mistakes that have devastated him, but still he stayed by my side.  I love him with my whole heart and soul, but it's my mind that gets in the way.  My mind that tells me that no matter how patient and loving, no matter how many times he has proven that he will love me no matter what, to run, fight, flee, and hurt him so I won't get hurt.  But all that ever happens is I reach a new, how the fuck could I do that to my Joshua, moment.  When I cheated on him I thought, he doesn't really love me.  If I do this it will force him to face it and stop telling me all this bullshit because how could he love someone as fucked up as me.  But he did.  And he stayed.  I'm still working through this myself, as I tell this story, some of these things are as recent as this morning.  I fight his love in stead of accepting it, because that would mean that I was wrong.  And I am.  I'm wrong for the things that I've done to him, when he's been nothing but patient and loving towards me.  I'm wrong for having cheated on him, to fill some need to be used and abused, two things he has never put me through.  I said previously that I had never had a boyfriend before and that's true.  No one had ever even asked.  I thought that the only way someone would want me is for sex. I didn't want to be wrong, I didn't want to believe him because then I couldn't feel sorry for myself.  I couldn't look at the disgusting way I had lived my life, lusting after people to fill some need to be needed no matter what it was for.  I didn't look at the pure gift that Joshua was laying down at my feet.  Forgiveness, not just from him for the things that I had done to him, but for myself.  I wanted to be happy and joyful, but at the same time I've wanted to stay miserable in a life of drama and lies because it was familiar and I knew how to handle it.  I don't know how to handle being a good person that someone, especially someone as pure hearted and loving as Joshua, could ever love.  Being loved didn't fit the cloak of self hatred that I had worn my entire life.  It doesn't allow me to feel sorry for myself and drown myself in the guilt of the things that I have done.  And I get angry at that, because sometimes, sometimes I just want to go off, be alone and let my misery overtake me.  But then, I think of Joshua.  I think of the dreams that I have for us.  For him to be healthy and for us to spend hours in the studio together without having to worry about his health.  For us to eat whatever we want to, to see him win a Grammy in person (I've seen the ones in our house), to see his movie released.

I love him for loving me. I love him for an infinite number of small things he does and says throughout every day.  As he grew sicker, I grew more and more selfish, angry and bitter at him for not being able to take care of everything little thing for me; all the ways I had chosen to be dependent on him instead of his partner, depended on him to think, feel and speak for me, because I felt I couldn't have voice, not that could live up to the love he has for me.  I didn't take his health seriously, and I didn't take our relationship seriously.  I flirted with other men. I convinced him he was crazy, and though his instincts have never been wrong, he never confronted me about it, he waited patiently, soothing me, and though he knew what I had done, because he knows human nature and me better than I know myself, he was always and constantly supportive and encouraging.  He would tell me that I could do anything.  My Joshua has never felt sorry for himself. He has never felt pity. He has went through a multitude of ups and downs, through illness, losing his hair multiple times, building his body back up. Always becoming weaker and sicker than the time before, yet he never fails. The truth of the matter is is that Joshua would occasionally mention in a very loving way that he had known the things that I had done.  He said, I don't care. I just need the truth from you.  And as I had given him a half truth several years ago, which I'm sure had devastated him, I had convinced myself and even spoken that you don't want to be with me anymore do you. Joshua said, no I just need a few minutes. Twenty minutes later he asked me to come into the bedroom where he was lying and thinking.  He lifted me up and laid me on the bed, told me he loved me and that it doesn't matter, you're with me now. As I cried, he held me while stroking my hair, lying face to face and still knowing that there was more to the story, we had fallen asleep together, showing me that I was always accepted by him.  My husband is most known as a very beautiful man. Even in his sickness, very well built. Very convicted. Very secure and confident, but no arrogance lies in his heart, it never has. Though I truly don't understand, still, the confusion that lies in his heart about many things, as he will spend hours talking with me, and all he ever wants is for me to talk to him.  We have had wonderful moments, but as his health declined I didn't know what to do. No one would help. And he is still baring with this.  To let you understand the strength in my husband, through many reasons one day I had left.  At one of his sickest times.  It had started to rain and sleet.  As I had convinced myself that Joshua would be healed if I took my life, that God would heal him, forgetting that God brought us together. I had found out later, though Joshua could barely walk, that he had forced himself up to go look for me, spending several hours.  As he could barely walk and could not find me, he had come back home and gotten on my mountain bike and then continued to look for me.  Spending seven to eight hours.  As he was riding back home, he was hit by a truck, breaking several of his ribs. It was a hit and run.  This was never told to me by Joshua. A lady who had always been a friend who has always been very kind to us had seen this from a far and had told me a couple days later. Finding strength where there was none to be found as he picked up the bike, dragging his body, walking another mile home.  I had came home about 15 hours later.  And Joshua was laying in the bed shaking.  The first thing I hear is Anna? Is that you? No anger. Just joy. I had been taking medication for seizures.  As I had been diagnosed as an epileptic at 3.  Part of my reaction in leaving was that I was having an allergic reaction to the medication.  I had tried to convince myself that if I just took this medication it would make everything better.  But as Joshua always says, medication is not meant to fix the problem, it is meant to assist you and help with the process. I had woken up on a hill after taking several pills. Screaming out what did I do? Honestly, part of it is my confusion as well. God had given us to each other. I was only 20, he was 34.  He would always say how wonderful I am for staying by his side, as he grew sicker and sicker.  I was so afraid he was going to die, I didn't understand why God would do that. I didn't understand that many times in life, as Joshua always says, what we need is patience and grace, what we need and want is not meant to come to us immediately. As he was longing for my touch and my love, I was longing for any touch. Not being able to differentiate.  I sit here and I think about what my Joshua has been through.  What I and others have put him through.  Spending years doing hurtful things, not understanding to fight for what you want and what you need. As I walked into the house I was freezing.  Joshua told me to come lay down and he could barely move, shaking profusely.  He had told me that he had looked for me. But not the pain that he had endured. I laid behind him and held on.  As I noticed he cringed as I laid my hand on his ribs. He said nothing.  All that followed was him telling me every beautiful thing, everything he felt about me.  He turned over to face me.  He brushed the hair out my face.  He had kissed me and made love to me. He looked into my eyes as I was crying.  He said nothing and he never looked away.  As I think of this and through my experiences, not only is there no better man than my husband, but there's no truer love.



I see my husband now.  As he gets up every day and fights with everything that he has, truly everything.  Each day, I've woken up thinking that I'm fighting hard, pushing through, making it through the day.  But then I think about the pain, the hurt in his heart, the sickness, the suffering and the loneliness that only comes when there is not a single person who can relate to you.  I suppose one of the few people that could relate to my courageous husband is Jesus.  Even Jesus said that we would do greater things than he.  I see the awful things that others have done to him.  I see the patience he has had with me.  I see the love and caring he has given me, saving my life; first offering me a haven away from the terrible people I had surrounded myself with that were putting my life and well being in danger. Then repeatedly as I tried to hurt myself and him.

From the age of 5, I was a cutter. I would cut, burn, maim my body to try to feel something.  I knew I wasn't feeling emotions properly, but I didn't know how to cope, and honestly didn't want to cope.  I would hide it under clothes, constantly wearing long sleeves, even in the summer, claiming cold, until I finally became cold constantly.  When I finally admitted to what I was doing, Joshua was heartbroken, but compassionate.  He held me and told me everything was going to be alright, and that he would always take care of me and love me.  He told me that even if I was hurt or broken, that he would love me enough for the both of us.  He would never leave me or turn me away.  He didn't want me to hurt myself, it's wrong.  He spoke to me of God.  We talked about how we are created for each other, because we have true love.  The love that we feel for each other in our heart means that if one of us hurts, so does the other. I didn't want to hurt Joshua.  Of course, I knew it was wrong, but I hadn't wanted to stop.  I didn't want to stop until him.  No man has ever loved a woman more than Joshua has loved me.  And no woman in the world has ever loved as I love him.  He has saved me.  Though I've fought him.  Though I've fought to destroy him because of my self loathing, he has done nothing but love me and save me over and over and over again.  No man deserves what he has been through.  Joshua does nothing but love, and I have spent my life a creature of deception, anger, hatred and destruction.  Joshua shows me each and every day that that isn't the way life has to be.  It is a choice. I choose good. I choose hope.  I choose Joshua.


I see people on television; especially this award show season, and though we've taken part in these events, that someone would describe picking out a dress as the most difficult decision one can ever have to make, while there are children dying of starvation.  While entire families are being slaughtered for no reason.  While people in the United States, the land of the free, in the year 2015 could be dying with no medical care because of ignorance of doctors. While my husband  was having trouble even walking, he had given his word to some of his old friends that he would go to the SAG awards. And though in pure agony, he had reminisced and as I saw, giving joy to so many people who had turned their back on him, but sitll showed them nothing but love and friendship.  Even finding a new friend on twitter, as we were trying to meet up with another Twitter friend who was at the show as well.  As we arrived to the after party, looking for our friend, due to epilepsy I had become very sick and had a seizure.  Though Joshua was in tremendous pain, he took care of me, took me to the hospital and showed me that no matter what we're going through we must find joy in everything. No matter what we do, it is a lesson.  It is a gift. We were watching the Oscars the other night, as we were supposed to be there but Joshua was undergoing chemo again, and there was an actoress giving an interview who said, "this film was the hardest thing I've ever hard to do in my life.  It required me to be vulnerable in order to do the film justice."  Johnny Depp said it best about being an actor, "I lie for a living."  And this is who we celebrate?  I'm not saying that there should be no actors, I love movies.  Letting your life revolve around acting and fashion, when there are people out there in such need, struggling just to get by, and not even doing that.  That there is a widowed mother of three out there being judged because she is on public assistance, that there is a grown man dying of cancer who is unable to get life saving surgeries because of the fear of doctors to take on a bleak case.

I am losing him, not because of the things I've done, but because of things I haven't done.  He loves me unconditionally through the hell that I have put him through, constantly saving me from mistakes that I've made, constantly loving me through the sick and twisted horrors that I have put him through.  Everyday I wake up and he is there, fighting for his life, and fighting for me, for us.  And everyday I have turned down his gift, crushed his spirit with my words, my lies and my actions, and for what? So I can continue feeling like the piece of shit that I am?  I'm losing him to death, and I haven't even cherished the life that we've had so far.  I want more. I want a chance to do it right.  To stop saying devastatingly hurtful lies so that I don't have to lay my soul down.  To stop fighting him and fight with him.  It was supposed to be me and him against the world, and I've always made it me against him, and he waited, beyond patiently, he still waits for me to just stop.  Be myself. Be honest. Be loyal. Be true to my heart and be true to our love.  I feel that it is right.  The peace in my heart when I'm with him.  The peace in my soul when I hold him.  I don't know how to begin to apologize for the abomination that is the way I've treated him, while he does nothing but love me.  He's been there for me in sorrow and joy.  He's been there for me no matter what. He's cleaned up the messes that I've made, not just for myself, but also for him and us.  He's been there for me when I tried to destroy us, talking me off the ledge and back into his arms.

So when I am asked for my reason to hope, I say my husband.  I say Joshua, the man who has saved my life hundreds of times.  I say Joshua, who, no matter what hells and horrors he is put through, always meets me and others with love, compassion and patience.  I say Joshua, my wonderful, beautifully spirited, astronomically talented, and eternally loving husband who has stayed by my side, saved my life, saved my soul while I put him through such depraved atrocities that even the writers of my beloved movies and books don't write about. Because when I see Joshua, when I hear him speak, hear him sing and play, when I see him take the time for everyone at the risk of his own life, when I see his love for me through unspeakable horror, and push himself to beat cancer five times, and push others to conquer and achieve their dreams, I see hope.  I see love.  I see God. I have realized so much. And though I have done damage myself, to myself and to Joshua, I am tired of seeing my husband be hurt. I am tired of not seeing him shine, the world needs to know this man.  His gifts and talents beyond any man.  The way he thinks, the way he talks the way he feels. Why no one will fight for him the way he fights for himself and everyone else, every second and every day of his life. Through my own selfishness, I have seen that of others and this is not a man that will die in vain. That will be remembered and recognized after his death.  After his music and movie.  After all his words, all his actions come to be, because now he is worth something in his death.  No.  I will not let that happen.  He will live.  He deserves everything. We deserve to have our life together in health.  And the world needs this man.  My husband.  My Joshua. He was put here for this and many reasons. and I believe he will change the world as no man ever has or ever could.  Jesus did this for us.  And many in between.  But he was given this heart to serve God's purpose. And when the day comes when everybody is longing to hear his next song or his next word. I want you to take this story, as there will be many others, as an example that when he is healed and he's out for the world to see, that it is not a gimmick, or a game.  It's just Joshua.

~Anna Bella Vaughan~