I have not went in detail about all my diagnoses. I'll be the first to tell you that they effect my mood greatly. Not to have control over your physical wellness is beyond difficult. It takes a lot of effort for me to center myself emotionally. What I find interesting is why this needs to be explained at all. When dealing with doctors and especially family members; they are the worst at slamming the gavel. Having the cancerous brain tumor, it seems it would be understood how it would affect my brain chemistry; especially since there is little treatment for it. I try to find the easiest analogies to explain. The one I use quite often is: would you ever get mad at an Alzheimer's patient for forgetting? Of course not. What I find amazing is that it's never understood.
When I elaborate, I can bring up the simplest examples. If we are hungry, tired, dehydrated, lonely, bored, etc... we can be crabby to downright mean. And especially very intolerant. I've spoken about my battle in faith. I have said that there's times that I have not wanted to believe. But I just can't not. Common sense wise, any other explanation, makes no sense other than Creation. Biblically the situation, that I and my wife are going through, makes no sense either.
When I had spent three and a half years in a bed, which minus all the illness; most people get cabin fever after three days and that's just one instance of how hard my sickness has been. During that time, I had asked God to put on me every sin that I have ever committed. And He did. When I went into remission, I was afraid that I would not be as close to God as I wanted to be. But I was closer. And I was thankful and I would speak of this of what I had gone through because of what I had learned directly from God, learning who I was in Christ and discernment of the Holy Spirit.
When you go through what I'm going through, it's beyond unbearable. Really, never having any peace. I don't keep up with the news a lot; I see a lot of it on Twitter and Facebook and then I'll check into it. I see this fight between Christians and Muslims. What seems to be war against races. I've never understood this. We all make the choice. No matter what our situation is, we still get a choice. A choice to love or hate or love and hate. What I've learned is that all emotion is good. It's whether it lies in your heart and controls you.
Two things that the emotion that lies within you should not do. But it is ultimately your choice. Do not let your emotion hurt or harm yourself. And do not absolutely ever let it drive you to the point where you hurt or harm another. We need to be more tolerant of people. Whether we agree or disagree with someone really doesn't matter. When you realize that this is a part of life, because we all have our own minds; you realize you can let people be just what they are: people.
I use Jesus as my example because he is the only man I can relate to. Though obviously more than just a man. If I did not say that he was more than just a man, many people would have already gotten upset. When Jesus flipped over the tables, picked up the whip and whipped the ground, it is what we would call anger. But anger can be righteous. Again, an emotion that is okay. But when it lies in your heart, it lies to your heart. When he asked his father why have you forsaken me? That moment encompasses, I believe, every kind of emotion we have had. Showing that these emotions are okay.
Many times we censor others, yet we have not learned that we should not censor ourselves. If we have discernment; you will understand what I am meaning by this. When you look within yourself and understand your emotions, you will be able to understand others. Please try to give people the benefit of the doubt. In today's world, more than ever, the old adage where there's smoke there's fire does not apply. There are millions if not billions of people that have had false witness beared upon them. There is not one person that has not sinned, or committed a crime. Some hide it better. And most just haven't gotten caught. But when it comes to responsibility of people who have power over others, you better get your mood in check.
Government. Religion. Police Officers. Doctors. Parents. etc. I have explained how we know what we don't know; but if we do not have that discernment because we have not learned how to accept it, then fake it. And what I mean; see, if you can't pull yourself together for yourself, find a reason to do this for others. It starts when we are children. We look up to our parents like they are gods. As I have gotten older, and in my experience with my health, I have seen that my family is completely nuts. I thought they had it all together when I was a kid. But they didn't. They faked it.
What would have happened to me and my siblings if they didn't. I don't hide my emotions: I never have. I never lie; most people don't believe that, but when it comes to that, I could care less. It's not based upon arrogance, or even confidence. It's just based upon the truth. If you live your life in the truth, truth lies in the spirit. Everything stems from that.
People often say, don't live your life in regret. For me, that's ridiculous. You have to regret. Regret is not guilt, it's not bad. It's your heart hurting for doing something that was wrong. And it allows you to grow. God used the word regret. An omnipotent and omniscient entity used that word. Also, as I have stated before: happiness is completely different than joy. Happiness is fleeting. It is an emotion based upon something that happened in your life that, for you, is good. Joy is a condition of the spirit. And it is never fleeting, it is never wavering. I used to hear people say all the time, after a wonderful day of events, one little teeny thing went wrong in their eyes and they would state that the whole day's ruined. We've all heard this. That is being fickle. You don't let that happen. And think of it this way. You can have a horrible day and one good thing can happen, but it will be drowned out from your sorrow. So it doesn't work the other way around. But why not? Don't let your emotions define who you are. Don't let them decide for you. Meaning, don't let them control you. I guarantee you every person on this planet has the same emotions as everyone else every second of every day.
If we understand that, well, that's a beginning. I can't think of how many times in my life I've been called weird. I take it as a compliment. There is no such thing as normalcy. It's an illusion. We're afraid to be ourselves because of how we're judged. When we don't let judgment affect us, then we are free. And we are free to not judge others. So take a good hard look at yourself; and try to learn about yourself.
When I started getting ill, I had to put on such a happy face for everyone. And I've gotten to the point where I don't know how to do any different, but I realized that it is grace and strength. I've been so sick for so long that when I look at other people, I wonder if they are doing the same thing I am. What kind of happy face are they putting on? We need to have balance.
And the last thing is: stop using empty words. I've seen a lot of people that have died as of recent. And people will say "My thoughts are with their family" or sometimes "my thoughts and prayers." What does that even mean? Am I supposed to be better because you're thinking of me? Do you tell people that you are thinking of them and your thoughts are with them when people are healthy and living a wonderful life? Sickness is not supposed to be a part of life but unfortunately it is. Death comes to us all. I wonder what would happen if our thoughts and prayers, our words and actions were with people when they are suffering and alive as opposed to just with them after they die. Which affects the person who died in no way at all; they're dead.
We get so wrapped up in ourselves, where were those thoughts before? And those prayers? And that ties right back to regret. Which adds up to understanding your emotions.
~Joshua Jet Vaughan~
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